Stapes and Browns, where's all the fun

Mayhem

It's easy to forget, under this new insanovision Coronation Street, that Fiz's family used to be funny, and Chesney was very cute.
This was before that small mole started trying to get out of the end of his nose.
But gone are the knockabout larks of yore - even Chez's mate Kirk's been dragged into the abyss lately.
This is a family that, off the top of my head in the last two years or so, has seen Fiz convicted of murder - for which she's just been bailed pending appeal (!) - for a crime she didn't commit. Okay so she might have covered up the body - or was that the other one? But the actual killing was done by her (now late) husband John.
That's Stape, who has killed one person (Charlotte the Smash robot) by caving her in the head with a hammer - whose body, actually she was still alive at this point, he dumped in the rubble caused by a train wreck outside his gaff - and let another (Colin Fishwick) die in his house, before burying him under the knicker factory floor, so he could continue living under John's name, thus allowing him to teach.
The reason he couldn't teach - his old job - under his own identity is he had an affair with a schoolgirl (Rosie) and then kidnapped her - can anyone remember why? So he nicked Colin's identity.
While in prison for at least some of that, and diagnosed with acute mentalness of the cranium, he and Fiz get married. Outside of nick John gets a stalker, and L story S, it's Charlotte.
John and Fiz have a kid which develops a hole in the heart, John also kills Colin's mum to stop her shouting after he confesses to her what he's done (up to that point).
Then Fiz nicks the mum's legacy, meanwhile John is pretending to Charlotte's parents that he (as Colin) was going to marry Charlotte. Chesney susses it so John holds him and Charlotte's parents hostage in the basement for a bit until Fiz - who STILL won't turn John in - rescues them. At some point in all this John had stopped taking his mental pills.
But before that John gets a job digging holes for Chesney's girlfriend's dad Owen - he's only about to dig up Colin! Luckily he gets Fiz to help him sling the body in the canal.
After that she rescues Chesney and the parents before the police turn up and John then nicks his and Fiz's baby. Fiz then gets run over, John comes back the hozzy, gives her the kid, goes to the roof, falls off it and disappears.
Then he comes back a bit later and kidnaps Rosie again before crashing his car with her dad Kevin in hot pursuit. John then dies in hospital but not before he videoed a confession supposedly exonerating his wife of all crimes.
As of last night Fiz was still in nick, but about to be bailed. She's been found guilty of one murder and possibly she got done for nicking the old girl's money, although that bit seems to have been forgotten.
While in nick, Fiz has been accused of being a grass, had her baby threatened, grassed, and bashed the woman who threatened her baby.
And just to round things off about two weeks ago they (the government?) gave the dog Schmeichel (a great Dane - I only just got that) cancer. The dog. Got cancer. This is how you want to get people watching, ITV?
He died last night, but only after Chez had nicked the money his bird's dad had given her to pay the rent, which was late so a bailiff came round, on vets bills and medicinal bonio and the like. Was the rent really bailiff late though?
I think that's about it. Now, is it just me or does that all seem a little far fetched?

How many lists make five? A list, a list, a list and a half...

Lists

Back to the well in a little feature I like to call: Pitched ideas that may or may not have been picked up by magazines a few years ago. 

It's a rich vein of material and no mistake, if this sizzling stack of lists sent to the now defunct and much-missed Jack magazine is any guide. 

Not sure how many they used but these would have been done in about 2004 and give a fair insight in to the mind of the 30-something male of the day. 

I'd not long given up smoking and had recently rekindled a rampant love affair with chocolate (oh! Smarties bars and loneliness...) 

And don't forget, Eccles Cake or Egg Custard, while you're here.

Jack Lists

 Five National Lampoon’s Vacation things:

• Cousin Vicki: “I'm going steady, and I French kiss.”
  Audrey: “So? Everybody does that.”
  Cousin Vicki: “Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.”

• Rusty: “Oink Oink, my good man!"

• Rusty: “Dad, I think he’s gonna pork her!”

• Rusty: “So I says to him, I said "Get your own monkey!”

• Cousin Eddie: “I haven't seen a beatin' like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose.”

          Clark: “Thanks for the pick me up Eddie.”

Ha ha ha!

 Five awful sports brands:

• Troop
• British Knights
• K – Swiss (original five stripes? You’re fooling no one)
• Pony
• Skechers

 Five modern crisp classics:

Yummo!

• McCoy’s Thai sweet chicken
• Golden Wonder sausage and tomato
• Rib n’ Saucy Nik Naks
• Bugles – all of them
• Sweet chilli Doritos

 Five incredible contemporary confectionery treats

• Kit Kat Kubes
• Mars Delight
• Cornetto love potions
• Peanut Lion bar
• Smarties chocolate bars

 Five things you never got for chrimbo:

Fucking  A

• Big Trak
• Millenium Falcon
• Diamondback BMX
• TCR
• Battery-powered car you could sit in and drive

Five 70s rockers you won’t admit you like:

• Steely Dan
• Electric Light Orchestra
• The Eagles
• The Doobie Brothers
• Peter Frampton

Matt Smith wrote Jet Set Willy 

Five great football teams:

• Everton 1984 – 1987
• Manchester United 1994 – 1999
• Liverpool 1976 – 1984
• Arsenal 1998 – present
• Leeds United 1968 – 1974

Five great Spectrum games:

• Jet Set Willy
• Skooldaze
• Chuckie Egg
• Match Day
• Attic Attack

Five ace words to say:

• Undies
• Trump
• Blubber
• Crud
• Balderdash

10 Gatwick airport things:

Roomy

• Thinking “you’d better be foreign” at Nike Extravago-shod youths
• Departure screens all over the show - but no clock. Anywhere.
• An ill-advised wink at the passport control chap
• A double brandy
• A seven paaanddd brekky
• Yanks trying on flat caps
• The anxiety of a bearded man going through customs
• Stag dos going to Amsterdam, smiling
• Stag dos coming in from Amsterdam, smiling nervously
• Cavernous disabled toilets

Job application to Loaded

Where the magic happens

Continuing the theme of rehashing old shite from my huge teetering 'REJECTED' pile, I found this application I sent when Loaded was looking for a feature writer five or six years ago.
There was the usual guff about my work history and then I had to come up with some feature ideas, which are printed below.
(The idea in 'the pitch' has now been superseded by the insaness of telly with the likes of ITV's 'so you think you can spaff'. Also the boyand model appears to have been dismantled now in favour of under-age or ancient talent show horrors. Were we ever so young!)


Loaded feature ideas:




The pitch:
Take an idea - say a tribute album to rock’s great moustaches - and pitch it to a record company. Explain why it is precisely what the industry is missing (this works as well for even more bankrupt-of-ideas industries like TV) and how it is a sure-fire winner. 
These companies are under so much pressure to get new stuff out it seems they will consider anything so long as it is well presented. 

Print a transcript of the whole thing - from first call to an actual meeting right through to, if incredibly lucky, the thing getting made. It is a bit Alan Partridge ‘monkey tennis’ but still has cracking comedy legs. Basically you can pitch anything to anyone if done with enough front. 

I have two TV pitches to start with: Duke Clancey Disco Cop (a cartoon) and Box Fresh (a show about a boyband whose own tribute band overtakes them after their first single.)

Other examples: 
a: Footballer’s hats (book).
b: What’s in my sandwich? (Radio 4 quiz).    
c: The last page - a compendium of last pages of books
(book).

The yellow bib capers. 

This one has been slightly gazumped by the man who recently robbed a Glasgow post office dressed as a builder, wearing a yellow fluorescent bib and hard hat. Admittedly it was topped off nicely with a gun.

Put simply anyone can do anything if wearing one of these things, especially if they wear a hard hat and carry a clipboard at the same time. 

All it takes is brass neck of the sheerest kind. Even if this was not enough for a feature - although I really believe it is - the sight of the bib-wearer having made it to their goal would make a good photo. A series of tasks would be good too, with security and refreshments at various venues rated.

Libya to 'come back fighting' in ratings war

Gaddafi - even his pyjamas have medals on

Security experts have warned 'Libya will be cooking up something big' to get itself back on top of the news agenda.
Events in Japan, and that royal wedding cup being printed with the wrong bloke on it, have led to immense news fatigue among the public, leaving last week's chart-toppers Libya on the outside looking in.
Felicity Iron of the International Security Council said: 'At the moment Japan is the only show in town - Colonel Brian Gaddafi won't like that one bit.  But you can be sure he'll have his top men working on something to wrest the initiative back.'
PR guru John Palms added: 'It just goes to show how quickly things can change. One minute you're the lead, the next you're below a Youtube clip about cats.'
The knock-on effects of Libya's demotion are being felt in Britain too. Protestors, led by Jez Briefcaseatschool, have been occupying Gaddafi's London house for the past fortnight. But for the past week no one has even pretended to care.
And with 98% of the world's news crews now encamped on 'the highest ground Japan has to offer' there are concerns for British stories - you know, proper news.
'We could really do with Princess Diana coming back from the dead, or maybe Fergie lezzing up' admitted Daily Express political editor Max Scissors.
With viewer fatigue now reaching critical mass, there are also fears for  Friday night's Comic Relief. A Red Nose Day spokesman said: 'Really, unless we turn all the money over to Japan, is there any point us fucking bothering?'

Bent

Feel the hyperbole

Was anyone else slightly - maybe 5% - surprised Birmingham's winner was given in yesterday's Co-Op final?

There's something strange when the underdog wins these days. As REM put it, Leonard Bernstein. Or if you prefer, there's something going on that's not quite right.

This goes back to a theory I've long held, that officials are subconsciously (mostly) favouring certain teams.

The equation works thus: massive hyperbole surrounding football means everyone expects a certain outcome - why would officials be exempt from this? 

Add the natural human desire to want to make people happy and it's understandable that officials lean towards certain teams. Chuck in a home crowd and the effect, and with it the pressure on the officials, is magnified.

Because we're repeatedly told these teams will win, and lets have it right here it's Manchester United mainly, there's a certain feeling of the natural order when they do win. It feels right. When the powerful clubs are upset it feels wrong. As if someone somewhere has left the iron on. 

Another development caused by the media saturation of football is the creation of a bizarre conservatism in supporters. Where once we were punk rockers raging against The Man, now we're all 'investment' and shirt-sales-in-Asia.

Be honest, it feels weird that Chelsea are out of the top four currently. Nothing against Spurs, but it just feels wrong. Conversely, Manchester City for Liverpool feels 'right' as we have been told for a while now that nothing can stop City (except FULHAM - ha!). 

A fella I used to know once said of Everton's approaching top-four finish in 2005, 'we know who our Champions League teams are, and they're not one'. 

And certainly Everton's finish that season did provoke an odd amount of 'you'll embarrass the nation' jibes among the internet football community. Going back further, and again with Everton, when they stayed up after beating Wimbledon 3-2 on the final day of the 1993/4 season, Match of the Day had David Baddiel and Frank Skinner on as pundits.

Not Premier League

Skinner said something along the lines of 'it feels wrong if a club like Everton goes down'. And he was right. Remember that Barnsley fan screaming into the Grandstand cameras that the league was fixed so they went down in 1998? I'm not saying it was fixed but I know what he meant.

Coverage since then has blasted out of all proportion - there's an entire industry based around talking about football. It doesn't matter what you say. Just. Keep. Talking. 

So the expectation of certain things becomes greater and the pressure on those to deliver is greater. It's unavoidable that officials are affected.

How else do you explain the bizarre reaction to Wayne Rooney's assault on Wigan's James McCarthy on Saturday (and a couple of weeks ago the handball by Paul Sholes against Leeds and Ryan Giggs' foul on Kevin Doyle in the same match)? 

Even the Match of the Day commentator Jonathon Pearce bottled it, murmuring something like 'oh that's not nice'. As if he's scared to criticise and upset one of the cartel.

As of this morning referee Mark Clattenburg has told the FA he dealt with Rooney at the time, presumably by giving him a little cuddle. So that's that.
Bollocks. No way Clattenburg saw it, or if he did it was out of the corner of his eye. Either he saw something and bottled it (quite likely) or he saw nothing but heard the crowd (more likely) and gave, I don't know, something? 

Of the incident itself it's just another example of how football people clearly aren't governed by the same laws, both official and scientific, as the rest of us. That's why they fall over with their feet tucked under their arse and their backs arched, and can offer an excuse of 'self defence' when they get rumbled for smashing their arm into someone's grid.
They even use ridiculous phrases which are seeping into everyday speak: 'simulation', 'gone to ground', 'coming together' etc.

It's understandable Clattenburg didn't book Rooney if he didn't see what happened, but to then claim he dealt with it sufficiently is ridiculous. If that's his stance then he's clearly not up to the job and the FA or Premier League or whoever it is deals with this stuff has to give him the shove, or at least a major bollocking.

Clattenburg seems to be one of those refs who wants to be chums with the famous players, like that penis Graham 'hi Thierry' Poll. 

They see themselves as part of the firm now, as celebrities themselves. Perhaps they feel like they're the players' peers, or at least they're nearly there. And what better way for the bed-wetter at school to get in the hard kids' gang than doing everything they say, giving them their sweets and handing over their toys? That'll earn their respect. 

The Biff Show

'This is gold!'

I'm writing a sitcom pilot and every day I'll put a bit of it on this blog. Although probably not every day as I play football on Mondays and have to clean the bathroom on Thursdays and the weekends are pretty much out. The formatting doesn't translate to this website too well but you get the idea:

The Biff Show

"Trouble"

FADE IN.

INT. LOCATION #1 - DAY

Three white men, early 30s, of varying levels of fatness are sitting in the front room of a flat watching Countdown on TV. The 'do-do-do-do' tune finishes.

BIFF

Four

MARK

Six

DAVE

Five. What's your six?

MARK

Seldom.

BIFF

What's your five?

DAVE

Moulds. What did you have?

BIFF

Mull.

MARK

Your round then.

                                                                                                CUT TO:

INT. LOCATION #2 – DAY

Biff is in a corner shop. Three mint Cornettos are on the counter in front of him. The Egyptian shop assistant is on the phone, ignoring biff. Eventually he speaks, without looking.

SHOP ASSISTANT
£3.20.

BIFF
Sorry?

SHOP ASSISTANT
£3.20.

BIFF
But it can’t be. There’s three of them. That’d make them £1.0666 each. (BEAT) I think.

SHOP ASSISTANT
(EMOTIONLESS) £3.20.

BIFF
That can’t be right. Can you check please?

SHOP ASSISTANT
(SHOUTS) £4.20.

BIFF
But...

SHOP ASSISTANT

(SHOUTS) £4.20.

Biff looks behind him at the other shoppers for support. None is forthcoming. They stare blankly at him.

SHOP ASSISTANT
(LOOKS AT BIFF FOR FIRST TIME. BELLOWS) £4.50.

BIFF
But it can’t be...

SHOP ASSISTANT
(SHOUTS) £3.70.

BIFF
But you just said...

SHOP ASSISTANT
Do you want them or not?

Biff turns to look at the shoppers. There are more there now. All staring at Biff, wishing him dead.

BIFF
These have melted a bit now. I’ll just swap them for some new ones.

Biff turns. There are even more shoppers there now, all staring at him. He looks back at the shop assistant. There are shoppers surrounding him as well, all staring blankly at Biff.

                       

                                                                        CUT TO:

INT. LOCATION #1 – DAY

Biff, Mark and Dave are sitting in the front room eating Cornettos.

                        DAVE
                        How much?

                        BIFF
                        £7.89

MARK
Nice. Hang on...

                                                                                                CUT TO:

                         

                       

                        

'Birds' channel' in shock swoop for Gray and Keys

Richard Keys last night

Disgraced feminists Andy Gray and Richard Keys are the shock choices to front Living Tv's new daytime chat show, Menstral Gas, as the battle for the much-prized 3am slot goes nuclear.
With Gray already sacked and Keys looking certain to follow after fresh footage emerged last night of him demanding a nursery school teacher look at his 'elephant', Living have swooped.
The network - famous for such shows as Dating in the Dark, Cougar Town, and The Oestrogeneration Game - have offered the pair a new home, away from prying eyes.
A Living spokeswoman said: 'Research shows no cunt watches our channel at that time of the morning but we're confident this edgy new approach will pay off.
'They'll be tackling all the issues that matter to today's modern woman or homosexual man. One things for sure, with Richard and Andy no one will be safe!'
Keys has stayed silent since the scandal broke but last night Gray said: 'Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm no sexist. And if you don't believe me you can ask me tart.'
Guests rumoured to be lined up for episode one of Gas include Michael Winner, Silvio Burlesconi and Dame Judy Dench.

David Mitchell death stuns nation

Dead

Britain is in mourning today following the death of David Mitchell. The star was beloved by many as the fat one out of Peep Show, and that other thing - didn't he advertise iPads? - but recent weight loss, and his insistence on appearing on all TV programmes and sometimes in the paper and on the wireless and occasionally just showing up in city centres and shouting at passers-by, led to accusations of over-exposure and him just not being funny any more.
Last night's 10 O' Clock Live confirmed it, with the former prep school wank sock spluttering his way through a series of horrendous interviews. 
Leading TV reviewer and friend of all beasts AA Gill says Mitchell is not the first star to suffer this way. He said: 'Dara O Briain is still technically funny but just looks sinister these days. And who can honestly say they didn't think Frank Skinner had got the Aids a few years back?' 
Mitchell's agent Robert Meringue led the tributes, saying: 'I'm gutted. He was the Micky Quinn of satire, and now he's gone.'
Comedy partner Robert Webb added: 'I'm devastated. David fell up the stairs last week while carrying a tea tray and I thought for a second "he's back". But last nights show finished him off.'
Micky Quinn was unavailable for comment.

Hats off to... Everybody Loves Raymond

Ray Romano

Up until this week when Channel 4 INSANELY binned it off in favour of the lamentable According to Jim, one of the most consistently ace US comedies of recent years filled the channel's coveted 7.45am spot. 
Everybody Loves Raymond, from David Letterman's Worldwide Pants production company, ran from 1996 to 2005 and starred Ray Romano, a stand-up of some repute, in the title role. 
He plays a sports writer who lives in Long Island with his wife Deborah (Patricia Heaton - phwoar!) and kids. Over the road is Ray's mum and dad, Marie (Doris Roberts) and Frank (Peter Boyle), and Ray's older brother - the real star of the show - Robert, played by Brad Garrett, also a successful stand up. He's the less successful son who resents how easy his brother has it. 
Garrett is a superb comic actor, as seen when he played the demented mechanic in Seinfeld. He has that hangdog look but also he's massive, and his timing is dead on. In the last two series Robert marries Amy (Monica Horan) and I think moves out of his parents' gaff, although it's difficult to remember. Hey this is free, I'm not checking). 
The situations are apparently based on the real life experiences of Barone, co-creator/producer Philip Rosenthal and the writing staff, with the other characters loosely based on family members of Barone and Rosenthal. 
Like Seinfeld, the main character is often the one around which the real humour revolves, with the other characters often getting the bigger laughs. And also like Seinfeld it's the dialogue and delivery that makes it a cut above. 
When you see this and compare it to almost any British comedy of the last 10 or so years, maybe The Office and Peep Show excepted, there's no comparison. Even something like The Trip, which has been good and got ace reviews, is hugely lacking on laughs compared to the good American stuff.
Most of Raymond takes place in his house, a lot of it in his kitchen, but it doesn't seem claustrophobic. There are a few episodes where they branch out - the trips to Italy and the Superbowl - but unlike, say, Friends with their abysmal London/Vegas episodes, Raymond can make the jump.
To give it the gist, Ray loafs about, Deborah gets on at him, Marie makes digs at Deborah's domestic skills, Frank abuses everyone, but mainly Marie, and unfortunate things happen to Robert, who splits up with Amy every so often. And that's about it.   
What sets it apart slightly is that it's pretty family-friendly stuff but doesn't seem twee. There are some ace lines:


Frank: 'What's for brunch, Marie?'
Marie: 'Ham. 
Frank: 'Excellent. I shall put on my ham pants.'


But also real moments of affection between characters who are always at each other's throats, yet it doesn't seem schmaltzy, which some Yank sitcoms do. Yes, YOU, Scrubs ('I guess deep down we all want to be loved.' Of fuck off, wanksplat.) 
There are also some good recurring characters too: Amy's parents, Hank and Pat MacDougal (the superb Fred Willard, scene stealer from lots of Christopher Guest films, and Georgia Engel) and their weird nerdy son Peter (the also ace Chris Elliott) are particularly good. Doug and Carrie Heffernan (Kevin James and Leah Remini - phwoar!) from King of Queens occasionally feature as well. 
So that's it. Get it watched, you puff.


Previously:
Eric Cantona
Stacey Solomon
Jim Broadbent

Apprentice final - it's Stella, but what a ride

I've been there!

The final chapter begins with Stella and Chris heading off to the Langham hotel in London - I've been there! (It's very choice, but you can normally nip in and use the lav without being hassled) - but do they have to take two cars?
I wonder if they'll get the rest of them back to help. Oh they do. I'd forgotten what an ugly bunch they are. Quite hideous. Ha! The Australian one gets picked last - stitch that. Oh how she squirms like the fat kid at football who one team gets stuck with. Well look at me now!
They have to create a new drink and advertising campaign, then pitch it to industry types, and all in three days.
As the man says, giggidy-giggidy-goo.
Both Chris and Stella lie and say it's good to see the other idiots back. It isn't, they're horrible.
Anyway the mightiest minds get together and come up with...
Pomegranete rum? That's what Chris is going for - the idiot! Stella seems to want to go for a blue drink - equally stupid as the booze experts tell her.
But will her urban bourbon (Urbon) do the trick? Well it looks better than the pink goo Liz has got for Chris. So to speak.
Chris, Jamie and that one who looks like Penfold are the stupidest looking crew you can get and their advert idea that some lad gets a girl leathered on their drink so he gets his end away gets smashed down by the ad people.
The bottles turn up and Chris's looks like a metronome - how the fart do you pour it? - but he and his dimwits seem made up with it. Oh yes, it's called Prism. At least Stella's is recognisably a bottle of booze.
At the ad shoot Chris has a bartender scooping pomegranete into a glass - it looks moronic - while Stella's sussed that getting women asking for the drink in her ad is the way to go, and she seems to be miles ahead.
Chris's ad looks awful - a load of hoorays being tits - where did he get the idea from? And this is the difference between the two finalists - Stella's streetwise and smart whereas Chris is just businesslike. She's been the clear winner for weeks now and if she hadn't won there would have been a stewards'.
When it comes to the pitches, before a crowd of booze execs or something, Chris declares he's after people who drink at home or when they're out. Brilliant. As he blathers on about the public's demand for more rum-based cocktails, one consumer sips it and looks like he's tasted chilled vomit. The ad is awful, it doesn't show anyone drinking the thing until it's nearly over, but Chris handles the audience's questions well, so it's not a total disaster.
'Urbon, the new way of drinking bourbon,' is Stella's line. But it sounds like someone going 'bubbleubbleubbleubble'. Which could be a problem.
And so they're off to the boardroom for the last time with Stella declaring 'I'm the winner' possibly somewhat prematurely. It might be the editing or maybe that she's so close to the end but she seems more of a shit in this episode.
Sugar is surprised Stella delegated the tasting of her filthy muck, and he's right. For Chris, the colour of his drink got bashed because it was pink, despite Chris asking for clear. His ad is panned but the idea of the drink is clever whereas Stella's bottle of vinegar trips her up, although the booze itself went down well.
Chris and Stella make their final pleas and Chris looks like he's kicked for home at just the right time. It's an impressive performance - delivered while Stella sits there like she's balancing a turd on her top lip - but is it enough?
'Everything I want I always get,' Stella insists but it's the first time in the series she's looked worried. She needn't be as, just as it looked Chris had done it, Stella gets the nod. Leaving Chris sobbing into his best Next suit.
Then it's on to the You're Hired programme which this week is hosted by Morph wearing Dara O'Brien's suit.

Previously:
Fuck off Stuart
From the future
Fliam flam
Touch of drudge
So long Sandeesh!
Fuck off Alex
Episode 5-fear-and-loathing in M17