Where d'you get your shirt?

New togs

Clothes don't maketh the man - but good 'uns don't do any harm.
There are some excellent clobber blogs on the internet that go into detail about garments and brands and 'philosophies' and all that guff so I won't bother.
Basically you want something that looks half-decent, fits well, and will last. Following fashion just looks exhausting. As Homer Simpson once said: "What's the point in going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway."
I like clobber but it's not as important to me as it probably is to you because I am extremely good looking. And being a beautiful man, nice clothes are merely the icing on a jaw-droppingly hunky cake. Possibly one made out of beef.
If I was a woman all other women would hate me, and I'd be a real slut - you'd all get a go within reason. If I needed me bum scratching I'd be down the bus stop to pick someone out to do it for me.
Anyway recently I picked up a couple of garments so utterly belting I feel compelled to mention them here, on the internet's most talked-about website.
First up is me Heritage Research Longline Parka in burnt orange. This thing is the fucking business - sorry but occasionally profanity is needed to stress the magnitude of the sentiment. Plus swearing rules, never let the squares tell you otherwise.
I got this in the sale from a gaff on Commercial Street, Shoreditch, called Present. It's a cracking shop - really helpful staff who know their stuff. They only had one left when I phoned on the Tuesday and the lad said he'd hold it for me until Friday, which he did.
I've got a few coats but this is the best fit of anything I've ever owned. Two big pockets that come right round the side - high neck, strong RiRi zipper, big ace buttons - it rules.
I also got a shirt by Universal Works. It's called the Croyde and is from this year's spring/summer collection. It's a short sleeved bugger and it's dead thin - a bugger to iron though. Really nice, got it from Oi Polloi's website. Had to send the first one back as they apparently can't work a tape measure.
That's it, although regular readers of my Twitter bulletins may be aware I have switched from boxers to trunks, undie-wise, for the summer. Consider this an official endorsement of the snugger, cuppier, pant.
(I whipped the pic off what seems to be an abandoned blog)

Yes, yes, yes, NO

It's Gore-Tex - you know about Gore-Tex?

I was awoken this morn by the sound of rain thrashing my bedroom window, and the usual demands of an angry morning bladder. But it was the rain that filled me with joy - a chance to wear my ace Adidas Tokio Hi shoes. I got these a few months ago off ebay (I don't think they're in the shops any more).

They're a solid, smart piece of kit - really comfortable and, thanks to the goretex uppers, totally waterproof - with just a hint of Back to the Future. There's even a webbed bit at the top of the tongue to keep water from sneaking in at the top of the laces. So it's all good. Except. Ex-cept the soles - they slip in the wet.

This seems a monumental error in a pair of shoes whose main selling point is keeping water at bay. I've nearly gone on my arse both times I've worn these and that is not a good look for a man of my years, and girth. Hopefully the sole will wear down a bit in time, but even so, it's a fair balls up for something that had an RRP of over £100. And I have still to traverse the journey home.

The offending sole

A big list of ace

Apparently some pics on here were infringing copyright, so we should be safe with this pic of a kids' ride that looks a bit like David Cameron

Because, contrary to some reports, everything is not shite. These things are all ace:

Roast potatoes
Corn flakes with ice cold milk out of a glass bottle
Last-minute goals
Wanking 'on a full tank'
Penalty shoot-outs
Martin Kelner's Guardian column
Nando's
Cold bottles of beer from your own fridge
Eric Cantona
Match of the Day on Skywitchcraft when you fast-forward the blather
Public Enemy
The initial euphoria of sweet, sweet recreational drugs
Indian head massages
Girls in their Summer Clothes by Bruce Springsteen
Popscene by Blur
Kicker Conspiracy by t'Fall
Internet filth
The internet
eBay
Amazon
Bryan Robson
Pistachios 
Play.com
Stewart Lee

Jerry Sadowitz
Simon Munnery
David Peace
The Smiths
Veggie foo-yung, half and half, with curry sauce on top
Corrie
George Costanza
Porridge (the food)
Porridge (the programme)
The Simpsons (before it went shit)
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Star Wars (first three)
Original Star Wars cards
Original Star Wars toys
Diego Armando Maradona
Superman
Original Superman cards
3G astroturf
6876
Elland Road

adidas Ivan Lendl shirts
The IT Crowd
Back to the Future
Getting to the pub a bit early so you can read the paper
Freezing cold sunny days
FC United of Manchester
AFC Wimbledon
Fillet steak (rare)
The French Connection (I and II)
Beer on the balcony before going out for the night on holiday
Pink Floyd
Danny Baker
Bending your knees a bit when you have a wee when you're bursting
Goodison Park under lights
Red wine

Aways at West Ham and Spurs
The Good Rat by Jimmy Breslin
Sayers
The Arsenal Stadium, Highbury (not the shitty flats)
New trainers
CP Company Metropolis coats
Fancy bread with real butter
Big coats
Seabrook crisps
iPods and MP3 players in general

Yorkshire Tea
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Jack magazine (RIP)

Tom Sharpe
The Fatima Mansions
Douglas Adams
The iPhone (it's ace, and you should have got one, accept it)
Uniqlo jeans
The Young Ones
The Sopranos
Socks from Gap
Getting free stuff
Reeves and Mortimer
Flat white coffee
microKORG
Xbox
PlayStation
David Lacey
Twitter
Freezing Coca-Cola when you've got a hangover
Funeral dos
Cycling
A curry from your favourite gaff
Taking a chance on a new gaff (any food denomination) and it being great
The view from Hilly Fields
The Larry Sanders Show
Doing 'thingy'
sabotage times
Those breakfasts in a tin
That thing that makes you go back when you've been hurt (football, love, whatever)
A really massive chicken sarnie on event bread with salad, black pepper and mayonnaise
Alan Partridge
Undies hot off the radiator
Two pairs of socks at the match in winter
The smell of pubs as you walk past at Chrimbo
Chips out of the bag, with champagne (ooh, hoity-toity!)
Buying a new shirt
Thomas Hearns
Reading the paper on the bog
Peter Reid
BBQ Beef Hula Hoops
Knee-high boots (and no higher) on women
Chocolate Fingers
Metal Box by Public Image Ltd
The sheer enormity of it when you first go the match as a kid
South Park
One Summer
The new Wembley Stadium
The Clash
Inspiral Carpets
Five Families by Selwyn Raab
Auf Wiedersehen Pet (first two series)
Ian Brown
The Specials
Scully
The 1982 and 1986 World Cups

People who swear on phone-ins

And that's off the top of my head. This is my truth, tell me yours...

My fave jacket

Reading Keith Wildman's excellent 'top 14 jackets' story on Sabotagetimes nudged me to mention my fave. I've got a fair few coats but for look, fit, gadgetry and all-round aceness it has to be the Paul & Shark iPod jacket which I got a couple of years ago off Italian ebay for about £170 (brand new like - I'm not a meff).
Mine's dark grey and, I think, a sample so that bit rarer, at least I've never seen another one. It's a large - all P&S samples are large - but, unlike say CP Company, it's a decent large, for the fuller-figured gent.
I think part of what I like about it is that the colour, along with the iPod control panel on the sleeve (pictured below, top), allows me to pretend I'm a cyborg when in reality I'm sitting on the bus with a bag of food from the 'whoops!' aisle, fending off south London's most wretched.
The iPod goes in a zip-up padded pouch (below, middle) on the inside, from which the earphones come out through a small hole in the top. The iPod plugs into a little box which does some kind of magic and the panel on the sleeves features a stitched button for each of the ipod controls, although they can be hit and miss, and frequently don't work at all. I sent it back to the P&S lab (that's what they call it) but they found no fault so I assume it's just temperamental. Although what was cutting edge two or three years ago is now out of date as it's not really compatible with the iPod touch or iPhone. How fast things move on - I remember five or six years ago passing a mate my new iPod in the pub and telling him to hold it under the table to look at it, lest it be taxed by envious have-nots.

But even with lessened gadgetry this is still a smart piece of kit and typical of the better stuff P&S do - ie the items that don't have writing all over them. It's waterproof, with taped seams, lined and pretty lightweight, and pockets up the wazoo - an essential feature for a fave jacket.