Alan Nixon says so, 22/1/11 to whatever day the transfer window shut

A bus is just one of Blackburn's attractions

Home straight for Alan Nixon says so now, with Sky's mega countdown (they invented the game you know. Oh yes, time was old idiots like Tommy Lawton would just run round aimlessly screaming 'what is this game!?' while smashing their faces against the goalpost. Generation upon generation searching for direction then Sky came and showed us the way) trickling towards its terrible conclusion. Like a post-five-pint wank.
So what certs has Alan Nixon served up via the cast iron medium of the Mirror/People this last week? Behold: 
Statesman-like El Hadji Diouf (Blackburn) is off to West Ham while Charlie Adam (Blackpool) is ready to 'force' a move to Liverpool (joint byline with David Maddock that one). 
Further east Manchester United are braced for Patrice Evra's imminent defection to Real Madrid and have Benfica full-back Fabio Coentrao, Newcastle’s Spanish star Jose Enrique or Celtic’s Honduran wing-back Emilio Izaguirre lined up to replace him. Bet hedging courtesy of Nixon and 1940s tobacconist Tom Hopkinson there. 
United's Manchester chums City will lose Emmanuel Adebayor to Monaco (oops) for £9m while Shaun Wright-Phillips has been seduced by New Bolton's style of football and will stop at nought to sign up to the land of faded blue Ford Escorts and Ennesse trackies. Wanderers are also getting Arsenal striker Carlos Vela on loan.
Just over from Bolton lie the golden plains of Blackburn - where 'tis said - a man can dine mightily off a pound and still have change to entertain a young lady in the manner of a princess. By driving like a maniac and killing her. Topical - that's satire right there.
The town will be lifted to know Rovers' Chris Samba - who Nicko's previously had going all over t'shop - is staying at Ewood now. And joining him will be Ruben Rochina (Barcelona) and Sao Paolo's Ronieli dos Santos. You can see them advertising their new homes now: 'Blackburn - come for the scenery, stay for the pea-wet.' Or is that Wigan? Argentinian star Mauro Formica (Newell's Old Boys - aren't they all dear!) will also be joining them if his visa or something issues are sorted.
Elsewhere Sunlan want Wiissttaaammm's Freddie Piquionne for £3m as Steve Bruce is giving up on Stoke's Ricardo Fuller. West Brom are set to lose out on Obafemi Martins (who was always available cheap on Playstation2 PES and was dead fast but hopeless) who is leaving Russian side Rubin Kazan and going to Birmingham on loan. 
Speaking of shite, Newcastle covet Aston Villa's Stephen Ireland. Werder Bremen fancy Spurs' Niko Kranjcar to the tune of £5m but he wants to stay in the Premier League, ideally with Lipewl, who will offload Christian Poulsen (I thought he was the chairman or something?) to Monaco. Across Stanley Park Everton's James Vaughan went to Crystal Palace, but on loan, not the £850k Nixon said.
And lastly, everyone's favourite home movie director Paul Jewell is ready to bring Swindon striker Charlie Austin to Ipswich for £1.2m.
That's all I've seen fuckos, now put your knickers on and make us a brew. 

Alan Nixon says so, 25/12/10 to 31/12/10

swoop

A quick round up of the made up bullshit of everyone's favourite tabloid chubster. For those new to Nixon watch, we round up all the fat prick's transfer 'scoops' and manager moves then, when the transfer window closes, we'll see how many the turd actually gets right. 
These are only the ones I've seen so if I've missed any please add in comments below. On with the show - you'll notice virtually all his shite goes in two papers.
From the Mirror: Sam Allardyce to be the next Burnley manager (joint byline with David Anderson). Owen Coyle (Bolton) 'to one of English football`s major powers'. Nixon mentions Liverpool.
Eidur Gudjohnsen (Stoke) wants out, to anywhere. Stephen Ireland and Richard Dunne (Aston Villa) to Celtic (probably loans). Also Villa-bound in Alan world will be Blackburn's Chris Samba (super) for a cool £6m-plus. 
Wayne Bridge from Manchester City to West Ham (loan or full transfer) where he'll be joined by 'Hoffenheim’s £6million-rated Senegal striker Demba Ba'. 
David Luiz (Benfica) to Chelsea or City for £35m. Kevin Wilson (Forest) to Celtic. Apparently he's due to sign a pre contract to join for nowt in summer but Celtic want him now dammit.
From the People: Steve 'Roy's' Kean (Blackburn) to 'swoop' for Barcelona's Oriol Romeu, but he faces a battle (!) with Villa. They should nipple it out, Houllier and Kean, live on Sky. Bare chested, hands tied behind backs, no butting aloud - all you've got is your nipples. Also 'another Barcelona youngster, Sergio Roberto, is wanted by Chelsea'. Course he is, dickhead. Elsewhere Leicester want Emile Heskey on loan from Villa but he only wants a permanent move. 
Doncaster manager 'Sean O'Driscoll will snub Sheffield United – because he is the red-hot favourite to step in at Nottingham Forest.' In place of Billy Davies and his sword that spits fire. Meanwhile Neil Sullivan - who is well hunky (my opinion, not Nixon's, as far as I know) could be the new Doncaster boss.

Alan Nixon says so, 19/12/10 - 24/12/10

Rate increase

Week two of bollocks watch with fatty Nixon and it's more plausible well-researched stuff. Starting in the People: Daniel Sturridge from Chelsea to Liverpool (initial loan then maybe a £5m deal). Jay Bothroyd (Cardiff) will fill Sturridge's place on the Chelsea bench. Zolton Gera from Fulham to Wolfsburg (joint byline with Dave Kidd). Ivan Rakitic (Schalke) to Fulham on a free in the summer.
The Mirror: Blackpool's Charlie Adam to Blackburn Rovers (who could name Steve Kean as manager). Stoke City are also interested in Adam.
Steve Sidwell (Villa) to West Ham. Steven Ireland also leaving Villa for a loan spell at Celtic. Dieumerci Mbokani from Monaco to West Ham.
Not transfer shite but Nixon also has England as ready to step in and host the 2014 World Cup if those useless foreigners Brazil can't manage it. 
Nixon is also worried that a rate increase isn't enough to make a good start on saving for a new sewage treatment plant and new solid waste facilities in Vancouver. Although that might be a different Alan Nixon.