Everton v Manchester United REPORT!

Takeaway

Manchester United bounced RIGHT fucking back from last Sunday's humiliation at the golden hands of Manchester City by dispatching Everton with minimum fuss.
Everton had a go at it for about 15 minutes and went close, then United scored and Goodison deflated and sagged like Nigella Lawson after her 'best' girdle splits. Does that work? I'm not sure it does.
Anyway half time came and people didn't even bother discussing the match because no one really cares any more, I mean what's the point?
This happened to Everton against United even when we had a half decent team, but now? We've now sold all our best players - Fellaini? Oh fuck off - and signed the Argentinian Ashley Ward as back up for two perma-injured layabouts and a Greek lad who looks slightly embarrassed to be there.
Be honest, have you ever seen anyone look so awkward as Aspostolos Velios after his two goals, which I think make him joint top scorer for the Blues. Fucking two.
There was a - ACTUALLY THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN AS UNITED WERE HAPPY TO LET EVERTON HAVE THE BALL BUT IF THEY'D SCORED A SECOND I THINK IT WOULD HAVE - brief rally at the start of the second half, from the players and the stands, until United popped in the second on the hour, leaving the Goodison support with a stark choice - early dart or stay to boo?
It'll probably stay 2-0 because, if we're honest, it's a result which suits us all - points for them, and at least we didn't get fucked by a team that, horror of horrors, spends money. Ooh, the rotters.
Everton: Howard, Hibbert, Jerjelka, Distain, Baines, Coleman, Osman, Fellaini, Rodwell, Cahill, Saha. He'll have Coleman on the right, Osman on the left and the other three fannying around in the middle with Saha looking like a fella starved of attention 30 yards further up the pitch.
Okay, so Cahill was injured but the Russian came and showed us all what a superb piece of business he was. I've never seen anyone so adept at making sure there was an opposition player between him and the ball at all times.
Also does Fellaini ever pass it forward? You too, Rodwell. Either/or with those two I think.

Everton v Manchester United - PREVIEW!

No chance

Manchester United will bounce RIGHT fucking back from last Sunday's humiliation at the golden hands of Manchester City by dispatching Everton with minimum fuss.
Everton will have a go at it for about 15 minutes, maybe even go close, then United will score one and Goodison will deflate and sag like Nigella Lawson after her 'best' girdle splits. Does that work? I'm not sure it does.
Anyway half time will come and people won't even bother discussing the match because no one really cares any more, I mean what's the point?
This happened to Everton against United even when we had a half decent team, but now? We've now sold all our best players - Fellaini? Oh fuck off - and signed the Argentinian Ashley Ward as back up for two perma-injured layabouts and a Greek lad who looks slightly embarrassed to be there.
Be honest, have you ever seen anyone look so awkward as Aspostolos Velios after his two goals, which I think make him joint top scorer for the Blues. Fucking two.
There'll be a brief rally at the start of the second half, from the players and the stands, until United pop in the second on the hour, leaving the Goodison support with a stark choice - early dart or stay to boo?
It'll probably stay 2-0 because, if we're honest, it's a result which suits us all - points for them, and at least we didn't get fucked by a team that, horror of horrors, spends money. Ooh, the rotters.
Everton: Howard, Hibbert, Jerjelka, Distain, Baines, Coleman, Osman, Fellaini, Rodwell, Cahill, Saha. He'll have Coleman on the right, Osman on the left and the other three fannying around in the middle with Saha looking like a fella starved of attention 30 yards further up the pitch.

Hats off to... Inspiral Carpets

Cool

So uncool they were cool as fuck, the recently-reformed - with new material and tours promised - Inspiral Carpets are one of the best bands this superhunk has ever seen live.
They were cracking value all round - brilliant t-shirts, 'cool as milk' milk bottles, supremely entertaining interviews (including referring to themselves as 'the new young govnors' while digging at the Happy Mondays for guest editing Penthouse, or something) and leaping to the aid of a lad in Coventry charged in 1990 under the 1981 Indecent Displays Act for wearing a 'Cool As Fuck' T-shirt. They made some ace records too.
I first got in to them when Trainsurfing came out on the group's own Cow label. It's still my favourite record. Four ace tunes (Butterfly, Causeway, You Can't Take the Truth, Greek Wedding Song), a nice thick slab of vinyl and a bright blue and yellow sleeve. All for about £3. 
My group recorded a demo at Out of the Blue in Manchester, at least partly because Trainsurfing was recorded there. No Nick Garside that day, Adam Lesser I think it was. Nice lad.
The tunes were all fast and catchy, with fairly economic bass and guitar lifted by Clint Boon's keyboards, Craig Gill's machine-gun drumming, and Stephen Holt's vocals. Added to this, they looked like a gang of lads who go the match, which is important to an 18-year-old lad who goes the match.
From there I went backwards and got the Dung 4 cassette - with patronage from the likes of Joe Royle and Cyril Smith ('friends, not my scene') - and a tape of the Plane Crash EP (home taping is killing music). 
And that was all they released with Holt and original bass player David Swift, who both left (Holt at least on good terms - I can't find any reference to Swift.) and formed the Rainkings. They released two brilliant EPs on Playtime records - soon to be re-released according to @StephenEHolt on the popular website Twitter.  

Masculine

But I digress, Holt and Swift were replaced by Tom Hingley and Martyn Walsh and the next single out was Joe, another cracker with fine work elsewhere on the disc (Directing Traffic, Commercial Mix and Commercial Reign). 
Hingley's the better singer but I always preferred Holt. He just sounded more 'normal'. He can hold a tune, no danger there, but his voice really suited those earlier garage-sounding releases. It was heads down, no messing around fast tuneful stuff.
I first saw them live at the Hacienda in 1989, I think when Move grazed the charts. The place was heaving and they were brilliant (supported by the not-bad-at-all Bridewell Taxis) with a mad slide show and the five of them cramped on the Hacienda stage. They were clearly not going to be playing a place that small next time round.
When the first LP, Life, was released on Mute they'd already made the charts with This is How it Feels, and toured the album at bigger gaffs. I saw them at the Royal Court in Liverpool and they were mustard.  
The second album Beast Inside was a less 'immediate' affair as Clint Boon mentions in an interview on John Robb's website. 
I remember Boon telling (I think) Pete Mitchell on (I think) his ace Piccadilly Radio Saturday aftternoon show that the album represented where they were at the time it was made. But Caravan, and its b-side with religious overtones Skidoo are both crackers.
They continued banging out singles, highlights included the Island Head EP, Dragging me Down, Saturn 5 and I Want You (with Mark E Smith of t'Fall - if you haven't read Renegade, you're failing yourself) and two more albums, Revenge of the Goldfish, and Devil Hopping (named after producer Pascal Gabriel's pronunciation of the word "developing".)  

Errant apostrophe alert

And that was largely it, they split up without my realising it in the mid-90s before re-emerging in 2003 with the Cool As compilation, which is ace. If you've not got any of their stuff you could do worse than start there.
The Inspirals never quite had the same caché as their peers but I could never understand why. The Stone Roses first album is great but it sounds dated now, and the Happy Mondays released some real gash along with the good stuff. The Inspirals just carried on releasing consistently good pop music - nothing too clever, but who wants that?
A few questions though:
Why did they change the lyrics in This is How it Feels from the Peel Session version for the album version? 
Why did David Swift leave, was it amicable, and what's he up to now?
Did Twitter have any role to play in Holt getting back with the group?
Should I tell Mrs Biff I've got a derby ticket or should I just go anyway then insist I told her, thus planting memory-loss seeds for future schemes?


(I've pinched all the above pics off various blogs so if anyone's distraught by this I'll happily take them down.)

But what's the spread like - part 3

Ace

Continuing the breakneck tour of the press rooms I've been in we land, spent but happy, at:

Leeds (Leeds, Leeds) United:
This was when Leeds had just got relegated to what is now the Championship but then was probably the First Division. Sorry to the anonymous commenter on the previous two instalments of this who started to cry when he saw I'd got the location of the Fulham press box wrong.
I don't really remember Leeds that well, the press lounge was alright though, and Elland Road is an ace ground.
This was during the Ashes in this country - not last time but the one before - and everyone missed the kick off as they were watching 'snakehips' Shane Warne's last ball. There's probably a Liz Hurley joke there but I can't think of it.
All the fielders were funnelled up either side of the batsman like some guard of honour. Either way, I had some sarnies.

Leyton Orient:
This was after they'd put those flats in each corner of the ground but, I think, before they'd got planning permission for them. So they were all empty and I couldn't really see the appeal anyway. What if you were on nights on Saturday?
The press box was at the back of the stand (presumably the big one) I think, and I vaguely remember it being a turd of a climb to the top. No memory at all of the grub though.

Liverpool:
Top drawer. In front of me as I picked me brief up was rock star Chris De Burgh who had a brief chat with the security guard who then turned to me and said: 'I love his music you know,' in some kind of bizarre confessional/coming out. I had no alternative but to give him the stinkiest of eyes.
Inside it was like Goodison only red and with loads more trophies. There was a nice spread of sarnies and stuff, and a brew. Some old boy sidled up to me, possibly to defend the south side of the buffet as I had a right plateful.
He asked which way my farthing was going today. I replied the other lot. Can't remember who Lipewlfubbleclub were playing but there was a minute's silence (I know) which the crashing halfwit from BBC Radio Merseyside - not Alan Jackson, the other one who presents the football - answered a phone call in the middle of.
And this wasn't on his mobile, this was an old BT phone which he let ring for a bit. I'd made double sure my phone was on silent as I didn't fancy the solemnity being punctured by a tinny version of Z-Cars.
Benitez was the manager at the time, but this was before he went mad.

Muzzies everywhere

Manchester City:
Now you're talking. Hot food before the match, sarnies at half time AND after - a few fellas were filling their pockets. And beer too!
Some people don't like City's ground but they're idiots. The view's good, there's leg room - what more do you want?
The press box is good, quite low down on the same side as the TV cameras are, with the press lounge big enough to cope. The managers do the press conference in a weird chapel-like room (which may be a chapel) where you can often, if you're lucky, see Alan Nixon in his meffy black leather jacket. When he's not making up bollocks transfer stories like. Or maybe he does some of them there - just think, you could see the magic happen.

Previously:
Part 1
Part 2

Last night's nerd togger - a new dawn

My vanquished opponent

Friends, come gather for the future is here. It is bold, it is fearless, it transcends the physical and ethereal worlds. It stands firm, chest out, and defies resistance. All hail my new 3-5-2 nerd togger formation.
There are some issues - Howard is still occasionally awful - but the overall effect is ace.
But the problem of Everton's lumbering attacking moves is no more - where once there was Cahill stood in the middle waiting for Fellaini to amble along, now there are players zooming everywhere. Overlaps, diagonal runs, defenders left flailing - it's all here.
Remember United battering Norwich at Carrow Road in about 92? It's like that.
The line up is: Howard. Back three of (right to left) Heitinga, Jerjelka, Distain. Rodwell and Fellaini in the middle. Arteta on the right with Baines on the left, then Cahill behind Saha (left) and Beckford. The former Leeds man misses as many as he scores (at least) but he is murder to knock off the ball, and he is quick - a novelty for Everton, nerd or real.
The beauty of this formation is you always have bodies in the attacking half, while the three at the back are reasonably solid.
Fellaini and Rodwell are always available for a pass while in possession and also make it difficult for opposition nerd troops to get through the middle.
I've actually tweaked it a touch from the 3-5-2 in the formations list but I can't remember what I did - possibly pushing Cahill a bit further forward. You getting this, ladies?
I've sacrificed some possession - with 4-5-1 I was having all the ball but not scoring - but it's worth it for the increased number of scoring chances. A key point as the nerd Toffees miss an awful lot.
Possible the best thing is Baines - playing this far forward he can get some ace crosses in. He's also quick enough to get back and defend.
Arteta is still a problem and he's there mainly for free kicks, but Heitinga is just behind when the nerd Spaniard is shrugged aside by some nameless Spurs oik.
Does this formation really work? Put it this way, against nerd Liverpool I now expect to win, whereas before I had half a chance. I think I've lost once against them since playing this way. It works against most teams but Chelsea are trickier, I often revert to 4-3-1-2 for them.
In the last few days - yes, this is a scientific study - I have stuffed Liverpool (several times), Bayern Munich, Roma, Lazio, Marseille, PSG, Spurs, Villa, Arsenal, City and more. All with 3-5-2 for at least a third of the game - a good nerder knows one must occasionally tweak to counter events in play.
So there it is my fellow tough guys who have no trouble talking to girls - this is my gift to you. Cherish it, tweak it, enjoy it. To the nerdmobile!

Last night's nerd togger - bastard bollocks crap

The nerd council

Don't lose thy cool - the first rule of nerding. I smashed it to smithereens last night as I swore and snarled my way through four straight defeats.

After a run of one loss in seven I moved up a level, only to lose the next four. 

Clearly I reached the top of my nerd bounce and am now condemned to bump along at the bottom of the stinking cesspit that is online nerding. O! Take me back level 21! But alas, it doesn't work that way. It's like the Mafia, we all know when we join that the only way out is death.

They were all close games, and all as Everton, but then the unbeaten run were all close too. 

By the end of the last one I was a croaking, teary, sweary shambles. Yelping and gesticulating pathetically at the screen as Arteta got brushed off the ball yet again. He's only in there for the free kicks, at which he's ace. The rest - ABJECT SHIT.

I've tweaked my nerd Everton to read thus (4-5-1): Howard, who is awful, then in defence (from right) Neville, Jerjelka, Distain, Baines. Midfield: Arteta, Fellaini, Rodwell, Guaye (or Coleman), then Cahill just behind Saha. This can switch to 4-3-1-2 with Beckford up front and Guaye dropping out, with Cahill behind the front two. Ye gods, even in nerd-chat that is a nerdy thing to write.

Anyway after narrowly losing to Manchester United, Manchester City and Chelsea I was up against nerd Liverpool, who I pulverised. But nerd Everton's lack of firepower, combined with Howard's unerring ability to let shots go straight through him, meant a 1-0 defeat, courtesy of a 90th-minute spawner from one of those anonymous little shits they stuff their wretched team with. 

Seconds later Mrs Biff Mercifully came home from work, so I pulled the plug - no stats for you, nerd Liverpool! You too Dalglish, you wanker. I know you're reading this.

Where d'you get your shirt?

New togs

Clothes don't maketh the man - but good 'uns don't do any harm.
There are some excellent clobber blogs on the internet that go into detail about garments and brands and 'philosophies' and all that guff so I won't bother.
Basically you want something that looks half-decent, fits well, and will last. Following fashion just looks exhausting. As Homer Simpson once said: "What's the point in going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway."
I like clobber but it's not as important to me as it probably is to you because I am extremely good looking. And being a beautiful man, nice clothes are merely the icing on a jaw-droppingly hunky cake. Possibly one made out of beef.
If I was a woman all other women would hate me, and I'd be a real slut - you'd all get a go within reason. If I needed me bum scratching I'd be down the bus stop to pick someone out to do it for me.
Anyway recently I picked up a couple of garments so utterly belting I feel compelled to mention them here, on the internet's most talked-about website.
First up is me Heritage Research Longline Parka in burnt orange. This thing is the fucking business - sorry but occasionally profanity is needed to stress the magnitude of the sentiment. Plus swearing rules, never let the squares tell you otherwise.
I got this in the sale from a gaff on Commercial Street, Shoreditch, called Present. It's a cracking shop - really helpful staff who know their stuff. They only had one left when I phoned on the Tuesday and the lad said he'd hold it for me until Friday, which he did.
I've got a few coats but this is the best fit of anything I've ever owned. Two big pockets that come right round the side - high neck, strong RiRi zipper, big ace buttons - it rules.
I also got a shirt by Universal Works. It's called the Croyde and is from this year's spring/summer collection. It's a short sleeved bugger and it's dead thin - a bugger to iron though. Really nice, got it from Oi Polloi's website. Had to send the first one back as they apparently can't work a tape measure.
That's it, although regular readers of my Twitter bulletins may be aware I have switched from boxers to trunks, undie-wise, for the summer. Consider this an official endorsement of the snugger, cuppier, pant.
(I whipped the pic off what seems to be an abandoned blog)

Last night's nerd togger - back in the saddle

A picture from Brighton

After an absence of two months from the online nerding arena I have returned. I was drunk and signed up again and within minutes remembered why I binned it off. The bad connections, the piss-taking of opponents, the replay watchers, the smart-arses, the endless stuffings. By gar I missed it!

First up nerd Everton took on nerd Villa and I bashed this prick's brains in - ol' skool! Three Cahill headers cancelling out an Ashley Young opener.

Rematch? Don't mind if I do. So he went Man City and I went Atletico Madrid and again I was all over him, but tellingly, couldn't put the nerd ball in the nerd net. Whereas everything my foe hit turned to goals. A 5-0 reverse. 

On to the decider and, even now, I don't know where this came from - I didn't think I could do it, never saw myself as a meddler in the black arts - but he went Real Madrid, and I thought 'fuck it' and went Manchester United. Anathema to me. I detest everything about them, even in nerd form. They're no Liverpool, but even so.

I can only put this calming of my ire down to occasional retweets I've read by that human representation of stone cladding, Wayne Rooney, where he comes across as irritatingly alright. You can follow the life of a plain talking millionaire farm hand on the popular social network site, his 'handle' is: @I'mastupidmoronwithanuglyfaceandbigbuttandmybuttsmellsandIliketokissmyownbutt.

And it has to be said, nerd United have just the right blend of speed, skill and massiveness to make them pretty good. Goals from Giggs and Hernandez put me in control and despite a late one from Ronaldo or someone there was never any danger. 

But the victory was tainted, sure it all counts in the nerd annals, but for me this was a stretch too far and a reminder that victory is not all. 

Leon Osman and the cry-arsing of an iddy-biddy girl

Looking good Ossie! Feeling good Billy-Ray!

"If Leon Osman was Spanish and a few years younger he'd be worth £30million." So roared a message on an Everton supporters' site this weekend. 
It continued: "Iniesta and Xavi wouldnt be as good or as brave as him in this league." Predictably, this drew hefty criticism from crusty-underpanted correspondents.
It probably is bollocks, although I wonder if the Barcelona pair would be quite so good in another team - Xavi especially who seems to define the is-he-really-that-good type of player. 
But I've been saying for a while now that if Osman played in Spain he'd be a star. He's quite similar to Xavi in terms of size (is Xavi quick?) and touch. Osman rarely miscontrols the ball. His passing is sharp and quick and, more importantly, his team-mates know they can twat it at him and he'll control it. 
The two things that have stopped him from really cracking it in this country, aside from injury, are he's not quite big enough and he's not quite quick enough. Because of this he's seen as a "tidy" player. 
But the last few months has seen Osman, who doesn't score enough, emerge as Everton's key midfielder, popping up in a number of positions. And last Saturday he scored a superb winner as moneybags Manchester City did their usual against Everton, prompting this wonderful response from some snotty little rat.
What I like about this story is the way the author, who goes by the moniker CiTyBlUe, makes some good points but completely buries them in a storm of "it's just not fair mum!" type cry-arsing.
I assume it's a lad writing because only males can sound like little girls when bleating about something so inconsequential, cosmically speaking, as football.
He's right about some Everton supporters' bizarre "love-in" with Manchester United supporters, based presumably on United's success winding Liverpool fans up. Who fucking cares about that? 
And there's something in it when he says Everton are United's feeder club too - there is a certain inevitability about any decent Everton player ending up at Old Trafford now.
But how can anyone take this seriously? "I cannot bare Everton for their pathetic style of heavy handed rough play, it is honestly a wonder how they have not already subjected opponents players into critical injury."
This is a team whose midfield included Osman, Mikel Arteta and Jack "after you" Rodwell. Terrifying.
And who were they up against? Patrick Viera, Yaya Toure, James Milner and that yard dog Nigel De Jong.
I think this comment under the story, by Anonymous, sums it up well: "This is fucking hilarious. Do people like you really exist or are you just one big wind up? I refuse to believe anyone can be this stupid. I mean, how do you even remember to breathe? By the way, 'The Poznan' is massively, massively gay. You fucking windowlicker."
I'd take City's season over ours any day, but that doesn't diminish the laughable dribblings of CiTyBlUe. If he gets that upset by raggedy old Everton how's he going to feel when Stoke City fuck them all over Wembley on Saturday? Because that's what's going to happen, and anyone who's paid even the slightest interest in Manchester City over the last 30 years, deep down, knows it.

Money

Fucking ace

As one of the least whelming Everton seasons of recent years plods to a close David Moyes has been flapping his gums. 
Whatever his motives, the gist is once again what is needed to get the Toffees to the much-vaunted 'next level' - ie fourth.
Unfortunately, as Moyes says, no one is going to drive past Goodison and sling a bag of readies in at reception with a note saying "get yourself something nice" in return for nowt. 
So it doesn't really mean anything when he says: "Everton could be very close to being very good for not an awful lot of outlay. It might not be one of those clubs that needs £300million-£400million to turn it around."  
Everton might "only" need, say, £50m to make a real difference but as it stands it might as well be £500m, because it isn't going to happen. 
No one's going to "invest" in Everton because they're not going to get any money back - we're looking for someone happy to throw money away. Or as someone put it on a supporters' website: "We need a pissed up warlord who's trying to stash some blood diamond money."
As Moyes says, new money tends to come with new owners. But he's wrong when he says the ownership at Everton isn't the problem. Not necessarily because Bill Kenwright hasn't sold up, if no one's come in to buy him out there's really no argument there.
It's the way Everton is perceived which is the problem, and that comes from the top of the club. Over the last 15 years or so Everton have somehow managed to make themselves a "considering" club. 
We do well:
considering the lack of money.
The injuries
The lack of facilities at Goodison
The lack of money
The poor start to the season
Because of the injuries
Considering the small squad
Which is down the lack of money
These things get trotted out when discussing Everton as a matter of course and have become accepted. How can it be "just the way it is" for Everton to start every single season shite?
There's no witchcraft involved so what's to blame? Things don't just happen, except cause and effect. As for our strong finish to the season when there's once again fuck all to play for, does anyone really give a shit about finishing ahead of Liverpool when there are plenty of other teams who will do that too?
But you can't get away from the money issue. Everton as a club is improving commercially - you can see that all over - but there are still problems, like when they run out of ale at half time.
They only play at Goodison about once a fortnight - running out of beer is inexcusable. The place has been there for nearly 120 years, working to roughly the same timetable - you can't be surprised when a crowd shows up.

Hyped

But there are bigger problems than half-time supping at a club now just shy of £45m in debt, with player wages swallowing up 69% of turnover. One solution offered seems to be selling either Marouane Fellaini or the ludicrously over-hyped Jack Rodwell, with prices optimistically pitched at between £15m and £25m for either.
Some people say, shift one and settle some of the debt. But the problem is we're losing money every year, so this plan relies on Moyes selling quite a few Rodwells and Fellainis over the next few years, while still building a team.
Then there's the season ticket money for the next few years which the club has already spent. So how do we plug that hole? Or do we keep borrowing against it, driving up interest payments as we go?
If we sell Fellaini or Rodwell, and I'd be amazed if we don't, then there's a real danger we'll be doing it merely to stand still. And then Kenwright will have trouble because surely Moyes will walk, if he doesn't this summer. Yes, he's on a good screw but the contract chucked at Alan Pardew by Newcastle suggests there's still plenty of money in top level togger managing.
On the stadium issue - and whatever your sympathies, Kenwright has been involved in two fuck ups there - Moyes suggests redeveloping Goodison, possibly one stand at a time, but again money is the issue.
He mentions Blackburn's recent takeover and says "they have a stadium that’s already in place" as a factor in that deal. And yes they do, but compared to Goodison it's shit. There's no comparison between the two but many people won't see it that way because of their perception of Everton. 
And that is what needs to change. How? Fuck knows. We've got some good players and Moyes says “that’s maybe why we don’t need a zillionaire.” But he's wrong. Look at some of the players recently tied to long deals - Phil Jagielka (28), Mikel Arteta (29), Tim Cahill (31) - three key players on presumably big money. None of whom, if they see half of their deals out, is going to have any real sell-on value. How do we replace them?
A zillionaire is exactly what we need. Someone with the money to buy a team to compete at the very top - like what's happening at Manchester City. 
But assuming we still need to build a stadium, the danger is we're going to need a mere billionaire - or at least someone with a lot of millions - just to keep the team where we are now. 

Alan Nixon says so - the result

Representing a meat market or bullshit? Your choice

Right me hearties, Nixon watch has reached its conclusion. We’ve tracked each of Alan ‘on my life mate’ Nixon’s transfer stories over the last seven weeks. It’s been a wild ride and we’ve seen some crazy things, but mostly I’ll remember the laughter.

This is a mixture of players Nixon has linked with other clubs in a fairly vague way and things he has said will happen. The language of football writing is such that the two tend to merge.

It's a long list so the headlines are: In the seven weeks covered I saw 88 Nixon-penned transfer (players or managers) stories on the Mirror or People websites (I didn't see any elsewhere so there may be a few I've missed). Of these, he got 25 right, 61 wrong and two are pending (apologies if the maths is messed up. I've got a hangover.) 

These are only stories with Nixon's byline on - they don't include any uncredited ones, say the Mirror's Football Spy, so there could be tons I've missed. He got off to a stinking start with only one right in the first two weeks but got stronger towards the end of the window. This may reflect the more concrete nature of Nixon's information at a time when clubs are actually looking to do business. Rather than just making up shite.

A number of players pop up repeatedly – like Blackpool's Charlie Adam - as do a number of the same clubs. Blackburn Rovers are particularly well covered. It’s almost as if Nixon is willing these moves. But why? On an unconnected note does he still have shares in that player agency?

Taking each week’s predictions with a simple right or wrong, here are the results of the man with  the 'inside scoop' - the man the Mirror call their 'transfer gossip specialist':

11/12/10-18/12/10

Blackpool's Charlie Adam to Blackburn Rovers for £3 million – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Bolton to sign Swansea’s Darren Pratley (free in the summer) - PENDING

Diego Maradona to be next Blackburn Rovers manager – WRONG

Alan Shearer to manage Blackburn (joint byline with David Anderson) - WRONG 

Everton's Leighton Baines to Bayern Munich for £10 million – WRONG

Martin Jol or Chris Hughton to West Ham (joint byline with Alan Oliver) - WRONG

19/12/10 - 24/12/10

Daniel Sturridge from Chelsea to Liverpool – WRONG (Bolton on loan)

Jay Bothroyd (Cardiff) to Chelsea – WRONG (still at Cardiff)

Zolton Gera from Fulham to Wolfsburg (joint byline with Dave Kidd) – WRONG (still at Fulham)

Ivan Rakitic (Schalke) to Fulham on a free in the summer – WRONG (signed for Sevilla in January)

Blackpool's Charlie Adam to Blackburn Rovers or Stoke City – STILL WRONG

Blackburn to name Steve Kean as manager - RIGHT

Steve Sidwell (Villa) to West Ham – WRONG (went to Fulham)

Steven Ireland leaving Villa for a loan spell at Celtic – WRONG (went to Newcastle on loan)

Dieumerci Mbokani from Monaco to West Ham – WRONG (on loan at Wolfsburg)

25/12/10 to 31/12/10

Sam Allardyce to be the next Burnley manager (joint byline with David Anderson) – WRONG (Eddie Howe is Clarets boss)

Owen Coyle (Bolton) 'to one of English football`s major powers'. Nixon mentions Liverpool – WRONG (still at Bolton)

Eidur Gudjohnsen (Stoke) wants out, to anywhere -  RIGHT (sort of, on loan at Fulham)

Stephen Ireland and Richard Dunne (Aston Villa) to Celtic (probably loans) – WRONG (Ireland to Newcastle on loan, Dunne still at Villa)

Blackburn's Chris Samba to Aston Villa (WRONG – signed a new contract) 

Wayne Bridge from Manchester City to West Ham (loan or full transfer) – RIGHT (loan)

Demba Ba (Hoffenheim) to West Ham - RIGHT

David Luiz (Benfica) to Chelsea or City for £35m – RIGHT (but for less than that)

Kevin Wilson (Forest) to Celtic (pre contract) – RIGHT

Barcelona's Oriol Romeu to Blackburn or Villa (WRONG – still at Barca)

Sergio Roberto to Chelsea (WRONG, still at Barca ‘B’

Emile Heskey (Villa) to Leicester on loan (WRONG – still at Villa)

Doncaster manager to Nottingham Forest (WRONG, still at Rovers, Billy Davies still at Forest.

Neil Sullivan to be the new Doncaster boss (WRONG – see above)

1/1/11 -7/1/11

Ronaldinho (AC MIlan) to Blackburn Rovers – WRONG (went to Flamengo)

Preston North End's Adam Barton to Liverpool – WRONG (still at Preston)

Malky Mackay (Watford) to boss Burnley if Sam Allardyce turns it down – WRONG (Mackay still at Hornets, Allardyce still eating pizza off his t-shirt while watching his box set of A Fine Romance)

Brad Guzan (Villa) to Hull City on loan - RIGHT

Carlos Vela (Arsenal) to Bolton on loan – WRONG (went to West Brom on loan)

Roque Santa Cruz (Manchester City) to Blackburn on loan - RIGHT

Chris Samba (Blackburn) to Villa for James Collins/cash – WRONG (Samba signed new deal, Collins still at Villa)

Charlie Adam (Blackpool) to Blackburn – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Le Havre midfielder Gueida Fofana to Villa – WRONG (Still at Le Havre)

Spurs full back Kyle Walker to Villa on loan - RIGHT

Steve Sidwell from Villa to West Ham – WRONG (went to Fulham)

Victor Caceres (Libertad) to Sunderland – WRONG (still there)

Birmingham's Seb Larsson to Newcastle – WRONG (still there)

Brann Bergen’s Rodolph Austin to QPR – WRONG (still there)

Rodrigo Moreno (Benfica) to make current loan at Bolton permanent – WRONG (still on loan)

8/1/11 - 14/1/11

David Wheater (Middlesbrough) to Bolton Wanderers – RIGHT

Stephen Pienaar (Everton) to Spurs – RIGHT

Robbie Keane to Everton (part of Pienaar deal) – WRONG (Keane at West Ham on loan)

Avram Grant to become Chelsea's director of football if he gets the boot from West Ham United (PENDING)

Shane Lowry (Aston Villa) is off to Charlton on loan for the rest of the season – WRONG (at Sheff Utd on loan for season)

Sunderland ­midfielder Jordan Henderson and Newcastle full-back Jose Enrique to Manchester United (joint byline with Alan Oliver) – WRONG (neither have left)

Charlie Adam (Blackpool) to Birmingham, Sunderland or Blackburn – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Stephen Warnock and James Collins (both Villa) swap for Chris Samba (Blackburn) – WRONG (all three at same clubs)

Nick Powell to Blackburn or Arsenal – WRONG (still at Crewe)

Southampton winger Jason Puncheon, currently on loan at Millwall, to Blackpool – RIGHT (although it’s a loan not permanent as Nixon said)

Jason Banton to Liverpool from Blackburn – RIGHT

Birmingham winger Sebastian Larsson to Blackburn – WRONG (still at Brum)

Bournemouth boss Eddie Howe to Burnley – RIGHT

15/1/11 - 21/1/11

Charles N’Zogbia (Wigan) off to Liverpool or Sunderland (joint byline with Darren 'kopite' Lewis) – WRONG (still at Wigan)

Ipswich midfielder Grant Leadbitter to Wigan, Wolves or West Brom – WRONG (still at Ipswich)

Michael Owen (Manchester United and Ladbrokes) is to Sunderland – WRONG (Still at Manchester United)

Manchester City's Shaun Wright-Phillips to Bolton – WRONG (still at City)

Benfica's Rodrigo Moreno to Bolton – RIGHT (loan)

El Hadji Diouf leaving Blackburn - doesn't say where - with Birmingham's Seb Larsson replacing him – RIGHT in that Diouf left (Rangers on loan), WRONG on Larsson (still at Brum)

Barnsley's Adam Hammill to Wolves – RIGHT

Everton's James Vaughan to Celtic on loan – WRONG (went to Palace on loan)

Stephen Ireland (Villa) on loan to Newcastle – RIGHT

Blackpool's Charlie Adam to Villa – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Emmanuel Adebayor (Manchester City) to Monaco – WRONG (went to Real Madrid on loan)

David Healy on loan to Rangers from Sunderland – RIGHT (although it’s a permanent move)

Exeter's Ryan Harley to Swansea – RIGHT

22/1/11 to whatever day the transfer window shut

El Hadji Diouf (Blackburn) to West Ham – WRONG (went to Rangers on loan)

Charlie Adam (Blackpool) to Liverpool (joint byline with David Maddock) – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Patrice Evra (Manchester United) to Real Madrid – WRONG (still at United)

Benfica full-back Fabio Coentrao, Jose Enrique (Newcastle) or Celtic’s Emilio Izaguirre to replace Evra (joint byline with Tom Hopkinson) – WRONG (none have moved clubs)

Manchester City’s Emmanuel Adebayor to Monaco for £9m – WRONG (at Real Madrid on loan)

Shaun Wright-Phillips (Manchester City) to Bolton – WRONG (still at City)

Carlos Vela (Arsenal) to Bolton on loan – WRONG (went to West Brom on loan)

Ruben Rochina (Barcelona), Sao Paolo's Ronieli dos Santos, and Mauro Formica (Newell's Old Boys) to Blackburn – RIGHT, WRONG, RIGHT (dos Santos went to Karşıyaka on loan)

West Ham’s Freddie Piquionne to Sunderland - WRONG (still at West Ham)

Obafemi Martins (Rubin Kazan) on loan to Birmingham on loan – RIGHT

Aston Villa's Stephen Ireland to Newcastle - RIGHT

Spurs' Niko Kranjcar to Werder Bremen – WRONG (still at Spurs)

Christian Poulsen (Liverpool) to Monaco – WRONG (still there)

Everton's James Vaughan to Crystal Palace – RIGHT (but on loan, not the £850k Nixon said)

Swindon striker Charlie Austin to Ipswich for £1.2m – WRONG (he went to Burnley)