Onwards and crudwards

Gone (he isn't mentioned anywhere here you know)

To business. What we saw at Sames' Park on Saturday was Everton's problems simply nutshelled. Can't score goals, can't defend, tippy-tappy it around a bit in the middle to no great effect.
The excellent executioners bong website says we're only three points worse off than the same stage last season, when we went on to finish seventh.
Yes we are, but we're also really shit. I mean, needing-a-priest-to-get-out-of-it shit. We seem incapable of regularly getting the ball and some of our players around the opposition box - it's one or the other. Jack Rodwell's goal shows what can happen if you get people forward.
At the back we can't keep crosses out, and this is where we're letting goals in from. Maybe it's because the full-backs aren't getting any protection - I don't know.
Let's not dignify playing Seamus Coleman on the left with any discussion, but generally he's been poor this season. He works had, and yes he was cheap, but he isn't very good. Running fast is great if you're strictly in the running fast business, but he isn't. He's in the controlling the ball and doing something with it business.
On the other side Royston Drenthe is clearly lively and quick and actually a good player, but he's also an idiot.  Prone to wander in, leaving Leighton Baines - our one truly excellent player - on his own. With Drenthe you probably have to budget for one major cock-up a game. Like if your mother was a hen.
Generally the problem seems to be we're going out hoping to get something, rather than forcing things. David Moyes has always been a reactive manager with Everton - rarely changing things early, even if we're playing shit. He's also been generally a conservative one, favouring 4-5-1 most of the time.
It worked well while we had good players but now we don't. Louis Saha - and it's an abject dereliction of duty to leave your team relying on him for goals - is isolated in most games or ends up going out wide to pick the ball up, leaving us with nowt up front.

Goal!

Newcastle had two up front on Saturday and it meant that our centre halfs couldn't settle, whereas we are content to sit back and defend from the halfway line. This can work but wouldn't it be better to have some pressure further up the pitch?
This formation got the best out of players like Mikel Arteta, Steven Pienaar and Tim Cahill, but two of those have now gone and the other one is struggling for form.
Cahill's not scored for Everton since - you'd think this would be easy to find what with that internet and all but it isn't. I think it's about a year. Anyway, coincidence?
We look like a team struggling, not just for form, but for confidence. If we concede one everyone knows there's little chance of us scoring two.
Look at how Newcastle defended on Saturday, they did just enough most of the time. Like against Manchester United we never really looked like scoring - there were few occasions where you'd think, he should have scored.
Newcastle look half-decent but that's about it, we look slow and knackered. They had more than enough for to keep us out.
Moyes has obviously been dealt a shitty hand on transfers but he has to get on with it because if this team gets stuck down the bottom I doubt it has the quality or the oomph to get out of it.
Moyes seems to send them out looking to keep it tight until half time and go from there. He needs to send them out to attack because lately we look like we're hoping to draw, and it isn't working.

Up for t'cup

Wembley! 

I've not done many Ev-related posts on here, which you may have seen was in the Guardian's top 20 most influential blogs the other week (at number 9,000,006). But stuff it, here's one.
One of the surprises of Saturday's FA Cup win at Chelsea, aside from me shouting 'FUCKING YES!' in the bar at London's swanky Ivy restaurant when Leighton Baines equalised (a diary error prevented me from attending both, and grub's always going to win out over football these days), is the lack of noise from Everton's notoriously media-shy owner Bill Kenwright.
I might have missed it but I haven't seen anything of him, which is unusual following a notable Everton win. Perhaps he's just mindful that, to many, the overall Everton curve is still trundling down.
Unless there's dough to spend, even a cup final win probably won't be enough to keep David Moyes at Goodison now - if anything it would strengthen his hand with future employers. All very depressing.
Anyway the point of all this? We'll fuck up against Reading just as we're all getting carried away. And you know why? Because that's what we do. So here in no particular order are five memorable fuck ups in a little feature I like to call:

Five-we-did-the-hard-part-then-ballsed-it-up-next-round Everton defeats of recent vintage


1: Lost 2-1 v West Ham United (FA Cup 6 round, 11/3/91)
This of course coming after we beat Liverpool 1-0 (Dave Watson) in the second replay. The first replay was the 4-4 at Goodison - a game remembered as the one where I foolishly wore a new pair of jeans which hadn't nearly been broken in enough so I spent a fair amount of it whimpering to myself in discomfort.
I think the first game at Anfield was the one where Pat Nevin was denied a clear penalty at the Anfield Road end. It might not have been - do your own checking, lazy-arse.
From memory - I watched this in the Fusilier in Prescot with a lot of angry Evertonians (was it on Sky or maybe the mythical 'Norwegian'?) - we were just shit. Goals from Colin Foster and Stuart Slater (I mean, come on) put West Ham, who I think were in the I Zingari that season, through to a semi against Nottingham fucking Forest who beat them 4-0 before losing the final 2-1 to Spurs.

2: Lost 2-1 v Aston Villa, FA Cup 6 round, 20/2/2000
It wasn't so much that we'd done the hard work before this one - Exeter, Birmingham and Preston were our earlier opponents - as much as what lay ahead that marked this out as a fuck up.
If we'd have got through this we'd have faced either Newcastle, Bolton or pre-Ambramovic (but still a good side) Chelsea in the semis.
I was living in New York at the time and there were a few blues used to go in this bar on Queen's Boulevard (Flynn's, run by two Evertonian brothers) and all the talk was of flying back for the cup final if we got there - really doing it in style: champagne, limos, the whole schmere.
Got beat 2-1 in an appalling performance. Villa beat Bolton in the semi before rolling over against Chelsea.

3: Lost 1-0 v Liverpool, fifth round, 21/2/88
I seem to have blocked this one from my memory but it came after the titanic struggle against the mighty Middlesbrough, where a Tony Mowbray oggy eventually put Everton through against - I dunno, div two? - opposition in the second replay.
Trevor Steven equalised in injury time in extra time in the first replay - the latest goal I can remember us scoring - at Ayresome Park, after the initial 1-1 draw at Goodison. What an oddly-constructed sentence.
Anyway I have no idea what happened but we got beat and Liverpool slithered through to the last eight where they were joined by: Luton, Portsmouth, Manchester City, Watford, Arsenal, Nottingham Forest, Garston Woodcutters, and me and my mum. Liverpool went on to stuff City 4-0 in the quarters, then beat Forest in the semis before playing Wimbledon in the final. Ha!

4: Drew 1-1 (out on pens) v Sunderland, League Cup 5th round, 11/11/98 
Heady days for Evertonians these and I must confess I have no memory of this game either but it's all there on wikipedia so must be true.
After shrugging aside Huddersfield and Middlesbrough an Everton squad boasting John O Kane and Peter Degn in its ranks drew 1-1 with Sunderland before going out on pens.
Sunderland went on to face Luton Town in the quarters before being knocked out by Leicester City 3-2 over two legs (Tony Cottee got all three) in the semis.
The last eight that year was: Sunderland, Luton, Wimbledon, Chelsea,  Leicester, Blackburn, Spurs and Manchester United. Spurs beat Leicester, managed by that jumpity little prick Martin O'Neill I think, 1-0 in the final.

5: Lost 3-2 v Bradford City, FA Cup 4th round, 25/1/97
Fuck me as shit goes this was real base level crud - and it's to Everton's credit that in a time of unmitigated awfulness they could still manage some remarkable performances.
Everton were terrible in a game that saw Andrei Kanchelskis hand in his notice on the pitch. Three goals in 10 minutes for City did the damage, including a Chris Waddle lob from the halfway line.
Gary Speed got one in the 90th minute (Andy O'Brien's oggy was Everton's other) and, typically, Everton made a great chance right at the death as the ball was moved out wide to Duncan Ferguson who, seemingly in slow motion, missed. Or the keeper saved - who the fuck cares? The picture's hopeless here but the commentary is ace (Waddle's goal is 1min 43 sec in - superb stuff).
City went on to a home fifth round tie with Sheffield Wednesday, who beat them 1-0. The teams in the quarters that year were: Chesterfield (who were famously robbed in the semi against Boro), Wrexham, Portsmouth, Chelsea, Sheffield Wednesday, Wimbledon, Derby County and Middlesbrough. Chelsea beat Boro 2-0 in the final.

Still, you can't beat a cup match can you - especially at night.

Alan Nixon says so 8/1/11 - 14/1/11

You can hang your hat on this

This week's Alan Nixon round up of players and managers who, his tireless research informs him, are on the move. From the Mirror/People (they seem to put their stuff on the Mirror site): David Wheater (Middlesbrough) to Bolton Wanderers for £2.25m, but Nicko later reckons the fee's a stumbling block. What insight! 
Stephen Pienaar (Everton) is off to Spurs with Robbie Keane coming the other way 'if Spurs pay some of his wages', which must be tempting for them.
Avram Grant to become Chelsea's director of football if he gets the boot from West Ham United.  
Shane Lowry (Aston Villa) is off to Charlton on loan for the rest of the season. Manchester United are planning a 'double raid' on the north east with Sunderland ­midfielder Jordan Henderson and Newcastle full-back Jose Enrique both gagging to join Fergie's band of referee-baiting gobshites (joint byline with Alan Oliver).
Charlie Adam (Blackpool) is the subject of a three-club 'bidding war', with Birmingham, Sunderland and Blackburn the dizzying possibilities for the man with the demob haircut. Blackburn are also after Villa pair Stephen Warnock and James Collins in a swap for 'unsettled Steve Kemba', sorry I just made a player up there, Chris Samba.
Nicko also warns 'Rovers will have to move fast if they want to snap up 16-year-old Crewe teenager Nick Powell, as the England youth striker is also interesting Arsenal'. Make haste, Blackburn! And Blackpool will apparently be signing Southampton winger Jason Puncheon, currently on loan at Millwall, for £200,000.
Liverpool have signed Jason Banton from Blackburn, he says. Others say he's on trial at Anfield. Yet more Rovers news: 'Blackburn boss Steve Kean has won the race for Birmingham winger Sebastian Larsson - but is willing to wait until summer to clinch the deal.' Course he is, Alan!
Burnley are still after Bournemouth boss Eddie Howe and are offering a cool £500,000 plus bonuses! And lastly there was a google link under 'Alan Nixon' which says 'My porn pal - hide my ass!' but I didn't click that as I'm at work.

Last night's nerd togger - a grim tale

Oh fuck off

I don't know why I ever play as nerd Everton against nerd spawny-horrible-only-got-two-good-players-but-still-always-beat-me Liverpool. But I did last night.
Bad start with wankbag Torres wriggling through before planting one in the top corner - Howard didn't even move. And it was downhill from there - I couldn't get a kick, of anything.
As a sidebar to the main event the actual Liverpool were playing the actual Napoli, so at half time in my game I flicked on to Channel 5 (Was that Stu 'I could crush a grape' Francis doing the commentary?). Anyway the Italians were one up but from the little I saw Liverpool seemed to be getting back into it, once Gerrard was on.
The second half of my game was more of the same with the nerd Reds swarming all over me - my yelps and convulsions on the couch failing to transmit into action on the nerd pitch - and they were soon two up (that bastard Gerrard). While my opponent watched every single fucking replay I flicked 5 on to see the real Gerrard had put Liverpool 2-1 up. L story S, both versions of Liverpool scored again.
Next up was nerd Everton v nerd Newcastle and this time the game was really quick, players and passes zipping all over the place. Tim Cahill put me one up early on and I was battering them. Cue Tim Howard, contrary to my instructions, coming screaming out for a ball he has no chance of getting and it's 1-1 (Andy Carroll).
He does it again, 1-2, then again, 1-3 - three goals in six minutes from that fucking longshanks waltsers worker who looks like he never goes anywhere without his 'bag of cans'. I felt like I'd been on a date with the brute. Then Heitinga heads an own goal for 1-4 and I could contain my rage no more and booted fuck out of one of his players (with the ball barely even on screen) so Heitinga was sent off.
To round it all off this bastard I was playing has his keeper drop the ball in the area and starts doing keepy-ups, so I pulled the plug. No stats for you (we love the stats at the end of the game) if you act like a gobshite.
By now my face was bright red and I was sweating with sheer impotent rage, and my mrs was due home. What's worse - to be caught like this and accused of wanking in the living room or admitting the truth?
Anyway I reasoned there was time for one more so played out a 2-2 draw as nerd City v nerd Spurs. Again the game was running slow - hang on, 'letters home from the soldiers'?! Is that a real record? Oh fuck off - yes, the game was sluggish. I'm wondering if it's my HD cable? Anyway it was pretty even, with me annoyingly equalising twice a minute after my opponent went ahead - HA! Despite myself I went for extra time and pens - penalties on Fifa11 are impossible, especially in shoot-outs. Naturally I dipped out in a blaze of players slipping and smashing it over (lost 1-2 on pens). And mrs Biff was none the wiser!