Hats off to... Inspiral Carpets

Cool

So uncool they were cool as fuck, the recently-reformed - with new material and tours promised - Inspiral Carpets are one of the best bands this superhunk has ever seen live.
They were cracking value all round - brilliant t-shirts, 'cool as milk' milk bottles, supremely entertaining interviews (including referring to themselves as 'the new young govnors' while digging at the Happy Mondays for guest editing Penthouse, or something) and leaping to the aid of a lad in Coventry charged in 1990 under the 1981 Indecent Displays Act for wearing a 'Cool As Fuck' T-shirt. They made some ace records too.
I first got in to them when Trainsurfing came out on the group's own Cow label. It's still my favourite record. Four ace tunes (Butterfly, Causeway, You Can't Take the Truth, Greek Wedding Song), a nice thick slab of vinyl and a bright blue and yellow sleeve. All for about £3. 
My group recorded a demo at Out of the Blue in Manchester, at least partly because Trainsurfing was recorded there. No Nick Garside that day, Adam Lesser I think it was. Nice lad.
The tunes were all fast and catchy, with fairly economic bass and guitar lifted by Clint Boon's keyboards, Craig Gill's machine-gun drumming, and Stephen Holt's vocals. Added to this, they looked like a gang of lads who go the match, which is important to an 18-year-old lad who goes the match.
From there I went backwards and got the Dung 4 cassette - with patronage from the likes of Joe Royle and Cyril Smith ('friends, not my scene') - and a tape of the Plane Crash EP (home taping is killing music). 
And that was all they released with Holt and original bass player David Swift, who both left (Holt at least on good terms - I can't find any reference to Swift.) and formed the Rainkings. They released two brilliant EPs on Playtime records - soon to be re-released according to @StephenEHolt on the popular website Twitter.  

Masculine

But I digress, Holt and Swift were replaced by Tom Hingley and Martyn Walsh and the next single out was Joe, another cracker with fine work elsewhere on the disc (Directing Traffic, Commercial Mix and Commercial Reign). 
Hingley's the better singer but I always preferred Holt. He just sounded more 'normal'. He can hold a tune, no danger there, but his voice really suited those earlier garage-sounding releases. It was heads down, no messing around fast tuneful stuff.
I first saw them live at the Hacienda in 1989, I think when Move grazed the charts. The place was heaving and they were brilliant (supported by the not-bad-at-all Bridewell Taxis) with a mad slide show and the five of them cramped on the Hacienda stage. They were clearly not going to be playing a place that small next time round.
When the first LP, Life, was released on Mute they'd already made the charts with This is How it Feels, and toured the album at bigger gaffs. I saw them at the Royal Court in Liverpool and they were mustard.  
The second album Beast Inside was a less 'immediate' affair as Clint Boon mentions in an interview on John Robb's website. 
I remember Boon telling (I think) Pete Mitchell on (I think) his ace Piccadilly Radio Saturday aftternoon show that the album represented where they were at the time it was made. But Caravan, and its b-side with religious overtones Skidoo are both crackers.
They continued banging out singles, highlights included the Island Head EP, Dragging me Down, Saturn 5 and I Want You (with Mark E Smith of t'Fall - if you haven't read Renegade, you're failing yourself) and two more albums, Revenge of the Goldfish, and Devil Hopping (named after producer Pascal Gabriel's pronunciation of the word "developing".)  

Errant apostrophe alert

And that was largely it, they split up without my realising it in the mid-90s before re-emerging in 2003 with the Cool As compilation, which is ace. If you've not got any of their stuff you could do worse than start there.
The Inspirals never quite had the same caché as their peers but I could never understand why. The Stone Roses first album is great but it sounds dated now, and the Happy Mondays released some real gash along with the good stuff. The Inspirals just carried on releasing consistently good pop music - nothing too clever, but who wants that?
A few questions though:
Why did they change the lyrics in This is How it Feels from the Peel Session version for the album version? 
Why did David Swift leave, was it amicable, and what's he up to now?
Did Twitter have any role to play in Holt getting back with the group?
Should I tell Mrs Biff I've got a derby ticket or should I just go anyway then insist I told her, thus planting memory-loss seeds for future schemes?


(I've pinched all the above pics off various blogs so if anyone's distraught by this I'll happily take them down.)

Ace first lines in songs

Groovy

By no means an exhaustive list, as I haven't heard all the songs ever recorded, but listening to London's Calling t'other day got my brain whirring. Then I masturbated for a while, and then I made this list. Some of them may be wrong.


Now every cheap hood strikes a bargain with the world, ends up making payments on a sofa or a girl.
The noise inside my head won't let me go
I just got your message baby, so sad to see you fade away
You say that I'm too smart for me own good
I am a patient boy - I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait
Son I'm 30, I only went with your mother cos she's dirty
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
I don't want to go out, I want to stay in, get things done
I only knew you for a while I never saw your smile 'til it was time to go, time to go away
You'll take my life but I'll take yours too You'll fire your musket but I'll run you through
It's gettin' near dawn, when lights close their tired eyes
Something in the way you love me won't let me be
I've come across the desert to greet you with a smile
You never listened to a word that I said, you only see me for the clothes that I wear
A to the motherfuckin K homeboy
Naughty boys in nasty schools, headmasters breaking all the rules
Is this the in place to be?
All your dreams are made, when you're chained to the mirror and the razor blade
The pay-me girl has had enough of the bleeps
We like the music, we like the disco sound, hey
I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth
I'm sorry, I've left me card at home
Look at all the villagers in town and all the farmers hanging round
I've been living through changes and i could swing for you
I can feel the earth begin to move, I hear my needle hit the groove
How does it feel, to treat me like you do?
Got a good reason for taking the easy way out
Don't give me love, oh no none of that stuff cos it's yer money I'm after, baby.
I cried a tear, you wiped it dry
All in a day, all for me
A fork is a cold shiny tool, to pierce, tear and ingest
I want you to tell me why you walked out on me
Saturday's boys live life with insults, drink lots of beer and wait for half time results
Trudging slowly over wet sand, back to the bench where your clothes were stolen
I've got a bike, you can ride it if you like
Youre the kind of person, you meet at certain dismal dull affairs.
Mother, mother, there's too many of you crying
I like big butts and I cannot lie
It's been a long time since I rock-and-rolled
You made a fool of me, but them broken dreams have got to end
In the morning you go gunning for the man who stole you water
I grasp at life's fading light
Lost your love of life? Too much apple pie
Just close your eyes and then remember the thoughts you've locked away
Call out the instigators because there's something in the air
Yo, VIP, let's kick it
Some people think little girls should be seen and not heard
We’ve been crying now for much too long and now we’re gonna dance to a different song
Look what you're doing to me, I'm utterly at your whim, all of my defenses down
There's colors on the street, red, white and blue
Inflammable material is planted in my head, it's a suspect device that's left 2,000 dead
If it seems a little time is needed, decisions to be made
I'll only ask you once more
Thou shalt not steal if there is direct victim
Straight outta Compton crazy motherfucker named Ice Cube
If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man
Baby I feel good from the moment I rise
I need a Mars Bar, hey raid the Spar
A Charlatan, I, noble and wild 

Eccles cake or egg custard?

An Eccles cake

An egg custard (pen not included)

Yonks ago I had this ace idea for a running magazine feature called Eccles Cake or Egg Custard? Basically it involved ringing round celebrities - and this was when the tag was earned as opposed to being a lazy-arse job description - asking them which of these wonderful treats they preferred.
The results would then be printed verbatim. None of the mags I approached - including the Loaded, the FHM and the Sunday Times one - went for it, even though I'd already done a few to get the ball rolling, reproduced below:

Ditherer

Richard Whiteley
Biff: Hi Richard, my name's Biff and I'm calling from **** magazine. Which do you prefer, Eccles cake or egg custard?

Richard Whiteley: Oh, egg custard. Definitely. Although there's a lot to be said for an Eccles cake. All that flaky pastry and currants. Mmmm! Can I change my mind? I'm going for Eccles cake.

Biff: Are you sure? Mike Reid went for egg custard.

RW: Oh Mike!

Decisive Brett

Brett Anderson from Suede
Biff: Hi Brett,  my name's Biff and I'm calling from **** magazine. Which do you prefer, Eccles cake or egg custard?

Brett: Eccles cake.

Biff: Cheers Brett.

Brett: You're welcome.

Get the kettle on Steve!

Keith Burkinshaw
Biff: Hi Keith,  my name's Biff and I'm calling from **** magazine. Which do you prefer, Eccles cake or egg custard?


Keith: Egg bloody custard. *hangs up*

Steve Harris from Iron Maiden
Biff: Hi Steve,  my name's Biff and I'm calling from **** magazine. Which do you prefer, Eccles cake or egg custard?


Steve: Ooh, now you're asking incha? Can I say both?

Biff: No. It's like a war. You have to take sides.

Steve: Hmm, I suppose it depends on circumstance. If I'm having a brew, then probably the Eccles cake, but if I'm out and about, the egg custard. Because that's easier to eat on the hoof.

Biff: Well, where are you now?

Steve: At home.

Biff: Have you got a brew on the go?

Steve: No, but I've got Wolfsbane coming round in a bit to put some shelves up so I'll probably put the kettle on.

Biff: So are we saying Eccles cake?

Steve: I think we are!


(Next time: Rock's greatest moustaches)

(I think the Richard Whitely pic is in the public domain - if it isn't a thousand apologies. I'll remove if it offends)

Essential tunes

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The crud list

Five pounds please

Because not everything's ace. These things are crud:

Stubbing your toe
EastEnders
Oasis (since 1995)
Watching football on 'the Norwegian'
Watching football on the snide internet sites
That awful Miranda programme
Wet cuffs
Wet socks
Riding your bike in the pissing rain
Secret fucking Santa at work
Trying to find out my fucking birthday at work
Other people's fucking birthdays at work
Leaving cards
Christmas cards
Birthday cards
Get well soon cards
Sorry you've got aids cards
Works chrimbo dos
Sitting next to your boss at the works fucking chrimbo do
Low sugar jam
Piccalilly
Pubs charging over four quid - FOUR QUID - for a pint and putting that little tray down with the change in: They're saying 'I don't even want to touch you but give me your money'
Self-service tills
Warm toilet seats
Ross Noble - get to the point, fatty
The Champions League
The Premier League
People not coming to work because it's snowing. A bit
Umbrellas
All foreign language films
People who do all the flicks on nerd togger - just fuck off
The smooth-chops one off Peep Show
X-Factor
Adidas Forest Hills
Most of Adidas' recent trainer output
Paul Smith - abysmal quality
See also Lacoste, in all but the polo shirts
The fella who hates me in the post office - you fat prick
Those fuckers on Question Time who don't ask questions but make statements aimed at getting applause
Their expression as they sit back to the sound of said applause
Those UKIP bellends
Those coalition bellends
Teams taking 20 minutes for half time
Goalies hanging on to the ball for over six seconds - I'M COUNTING
Extra time in night games
In winter
Then penalties
Going out on same
Papers putting rugby and cricket before football in the sport bit
Reporters who take football, and especially the England team, so seriously
Zane Lowe - relax, you squinting spastic, it's pop music,
Alan FUCKING Green
Phil Thompson saying '...and everything' on Sky's Saturday goals thing. And what, Phil? And what!
Meetings
Pre-meeting meetings
Post-meeting meetings
Tripping over
Drivers who think a red light means 'speed up now'
Bus drivers
'Can I get'
'I'm good'
People leaving one biscuit in the pack/tin
People who take the last of the milk and put the bottle back in the fridge
People who don't wash their hands after going the toilet
People
Corrie at the mo - honestly, John Stape? No one fucking cares
G2 in that horrible smugfest The Guardian
Cheap socks
Britain's Got Talent
People not giving 'the wave' when I let them through in me car
People not giving 'the wave' when I let them through on me bike
'South Park smiles' at work
Being post shower but pre clobber in winter
The boiler breaking
Orange's phone signal
People bleating about the snow
Alan Titchmarsh
That nob who does the interviews on Sky Sports News, can't remember his name but he's dead tall and clearly no one likes him
Own brand beans
Under-done toast
Under-done chips
Deep-pan pizza
People moaning about Tube strikes - walk, lazyarse.
People who aren't in a trade union
People who used to be in a union but aren't now
The red and brown sauce they use in cafes
Easter eggs
The squeak at Goodison from the corner when a poorly-supported visiting team score
Getting to White Hart Lane
Getting away from White Hart Lane
Anyone wearing any of this lot - scarf, flip flops, three-quarter length kecks, sandals, sunglasses - in the pub
People not offering one of the recognised forms of thanks for a door hold

I hold these truths to be self evident. What about you?

A big list of ace

Apparently some pics on here were infringing copyright, so we should be safe with this pic of a kids' ride that looks a bit like David Cameron

Because, contrary to some reports, everything is not shite. These things are all ace:

Roast potatoes
Corn flakes with ice cold milk out of a glass bottle
Last-minute goals
Wanking 'on a full tank'
Penalty shoot-outs
Martin Kelner's Guardian column
Nando's
Cold bottles of beer from your own fridge
Eric Cantona
Match of the Day on Skywitchcraft when you fast-forward the blather
Public Enemy
The initial euphoria of sweet, sweet recreational drugs
Indian head massages
Girls in their Summer Clothes by Bruce Springsteen
Popscene by Blur
Kicker Conspiracy by t'Fall
Internet filth
The internet
eBay
Amazon
Bryan Robson
Pistachios 
Play.com
Stewart Lee

Jerry Sadowitz
Simon Munnery
David Peace
The Smiths
Veggie foo-yung, half and half, with curry sauce on top
Corrie
George Costanza
Porridge (the food)
Porridge (the programme)
The Simpsons (before it went shit)
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Star Wars (first three)
Original Star Wars cards
Original Star Wars toys
Diego Armando Maradona
Superman
Original Superman cards
3G astroturf
6876
Elland Road

adidas Ivan Lendl shirts
The IT Crowd
Back to the Future
Getting to the pub a bit early so you can read the paper
Freezing cold sunny days
FC United of Manchester
AFC Wimbledon
Fillet steak (rare)
The French Connection (I and II)
Beer on the balcony before going out for the night on holiday
Pink Floyd
Danny Baker
Bending your knees a bit when you have a wee when you're bursting
Goodison Park under lights
Red wine

Aways at West Ham and Spurs
The Good Rat by Jimmy Breslin
Sayers
The Arsenal Stadium, Highbury (not the shitty flats)
New trainers
CP Company Metropolis coats
Fancy bread with real butter
Big coats
Seabrook crisps
iPods and MP3 players in general

Yorkshire Tea
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Jack magazine (RIP)

Tom Sharpe
The Fatima Mansions
Douglas Adams
The iPhone (it's ace, and you should have got one, accept it)
Uniqlo jeans
The Young Ones
The Sopranos
Socks from Gap
Getting free stuff
Reeves and Mortimer
Flat white coffee
microKORG
Xbox
PlayStation
David Lacey
Twitter
Freezing Coca-Cola when you've got a hangover
Funeral dos
Cycling
A curry from your favourite gaff
Taking a chance on a new gaff (any food denomination) and it being great
The view from Hilly Fields
The Larry Sanders Show
Doing 'thingy'
sabotage times
Those breakfasts in a tin
That thing that makes you go back when you've been hurt (football, love, whatever)
A really massive chicken sarnie on event bread with salad, black pepper and mayonnaise
Alan Partridge
Undies hot off the radiator
Two pairs of socks at the match in winter
The smell of pubs as you walk past at Chrimbo
Chips out of the bag, with champagne (ooh, hoity-toity!)
Buying a new shirt
Thomas Hearns
Reading the paper on the bog
Peter Reid
BBQ Beef Hula Hoops
Knee-high boots (and no higher) on women
Chocolate Fingers
Metal Box by Public Image Ltd
The sheer enormity of it when you first go the match as a kid
South Park
One Summer
The new Wembley Stadium
The Clash
Inspiral Carpets
Five Families by Selwyn Raab
Auf Wiedersehen Pet (first two series)
Ian Brown
The Specials
Scully
The 1982 and 1986 World Cups

People who swear on phone-ins

And that's off the top of my head. This is my truth, tell me yours...