Diary of a squad player, part 7

Wounded in action

Monday, 6 December
Late for training so stayed on a bit to practice free kicks. Bit pointless really as the boss wasn't looking so I won't get credit for it.
Went town in the afternoon and bought some ace new trainers. Had fish fingers, chips and beans for tea, then a quick wank before bed. Only a quick one - mood wasn't right for 'the special'.

Tuesday, 7 December
Went out with Ribbsy and his bird so I could run the rule over her mate, who had been brought along for my approval.
Met in town at some gaff for dinner - she was alright but loud. Not just talking, her breathing, her shoes when she walked to the bog, everything.
Really weird laugh too, like at the beginning of that Wipeout song. Didn't matter how funny something was, that was her reaction. And she found everything funny - it was exhausting just sitting next to her. I think she's mental. Poked her but she threw up over the side of the bed when I give her the old 'twist'. Had to mop it up with a t-shirt and washing-up liquid. Sent her to clean her teeth before we finished off.

Wednesday, 8 December
Bought that X-Box kinnect thing. It's good but if anyone's watching you must look like a right nob waggling a pretend steering wheel at the telly.
Day off tomorrow so watched snidey Arsenal in the pub with Mucker, Davo and Rog. Davo's obsessed with sambuca - he had us on it all night. The barman lines them up and sets fire to them - Rog only burns his fringe! He looks like that bloke out of Slade.
Mucker almost lost it when he spilt some down his new Evisu jeans. Gutted for him, horrible when a pair of pulling kecks takes a bullet like that. So now he's looking for some new ones - Davo suggested Uniqlo. I thought there was going to be a fight! No need for that sort of talk, not when a man is hurting.

Previously:
Part 6
Part 5
Part 4
Part 3 
Part 2
Part 1

The crud list

Five pounds please

Because not everything's ace. These things are crud:

Stubbing your toe
EastEnders
Oasis (since 1995)
Watching football on 'the Norwegian'
Watching football on the snide internet sites
That awful Miranda programme
Wet cuffs
Wet socks
Riding your bike in the pissing rain
Secret fucking Santa at work
Trying to find out my fucking birthday at work
Other people's fucking birthdays at work
Leaving cards
Christmas cards
Birthday cards
Get well soon cards
Sorry you've got aids cards
Works chrimbo dos
Sitting next to your boss at the works fucking chrimbo do
Low sugar jam
Piccalilly
Pubs charging over four quid - FOUR QUID - for a pint and putting that little tray down with the change in: They're saying 'I don't even want to touch you but give me your money'
Self-service tills
Warm toilet seats
Ross Noble - get to the point, fatty
The Champions League
The Premier League
People not coming to work because it's snowing. A bit
Umbrellas
All foreign language films
People who do all the flicks on nerd togger - just fuck off
The smooth-chops one off Peep Show
X-Factor
Adidas Forest Hills
Most of Adidas' recent trainer output
Paul Smith - abysmal quality
See also Lacoste, in all but the polo shirts
The fella who hates me in the post office - you fat prick
Those fuckers on Question Time who don't ask questions but make statements aimed at getting applause
Their expression as they sit back to the sound of said applause
Those UKIP bellends
Those coalition bellends
Teams taking 20 minutes for half time
Goalies hanging on to the ball for over six seconds - I'M COUNTING
Extra time in night games
In winter
Then penalties
Going out on same
Papers putting rugby and cricket before football in the sport bit
Reporters who take football, and especially the England team, so seriously
Zane Lowe - relax, you squinting spastic, it's pop music,
Alan FUCKING Green
Phil Thompson saying '...and everything' on Sky's Saturday goals thing. And what, Phil? And what!
Meetings
Pre-meeting meetings
Post-meeting meetings
Tripping over
Drivers who think a red light means 'speed up now'
Bus drivers
'Can I get'
'I'm good'
People leaving one biscuit in the pack/tin
People who take the last of the milk and put the bottle back in the fridge
People who don't wash their hands after going the toilet
People
Corrie at the mo - honestly, John Stape? No one fucking cares
G2 in that horrible smugfest The Guardian
Cheap socks
Britain's Got Talent
People not giving 'the wave' when I let them through in me car
People not giving 'the wave' when I let them through on me bike
'South Park smiles' at work
Being post shower but pre clobber in winter
The boiler breaking
Orange's phone signal
People bleating about the snow
Alan Titchmarsh
That nob who does the interviews on Sky Sports News, can't remember his name but he's dead tall and clearly no one likes him
Own brand beans
Under-done toast
Under-done chips
Deep-pan pizza
People moaning about Tube strikes - walk, lazyarse.
People who aren't in a trade union
People who used to be in a union but aren't now
The red and brown sauce they use in cafes
Easter eggs
The squeak at Goodison from the corner when a poorly-supported visiting team score
Getting to White Hart Lane
Getting away from White Hart Lane
Anyone wearing any of this lot - scarf, flip flops, three-quarter length kecks, sandals, sunglasses - in the pub
People not offering one of the recognised forms of thanks for a door hold

I hold these truths to be self evident. What about you?

Diary of a squad player, 3

Goal!

Thursday, 25 November:
Probably not in the team for Saturday because I was in the 'others' for the full practice match. Ellsy was up against me so he might be in with a shout. I went in a little bit hard on him - he even dives in training! The absolute fanny - and the boss had a word. No ressies game this week either.
Someone put cat food in me Nike Air Max while I was in the shower. I spotted it in time so didn't step in it but that's just not funny. I'm all for having a laugh but leave the shoes out of it - there has to be limits. Like the time we put Johnno's socks in the toilet - that was funny because it's socks so no harm done. And if you spend £40 on a pair of socks you deserve all you get. You don't need to be spending more than a tenner on a pair of socks. The word 'socks' has lost all meaning.
In the afternoon a couple of us had to go to a school with the community scheme lads. It was alright, we did a kickabout with a few of the kids and then answered some questions. That was horrible - we're stood there at the front and there's about 20 kids all sat on the floor in a semi-circle with their arms up in the air.
All they ever want to know is how much we earn and who our favourite player is. Ribbsy said fifty quid a week and me. He's a dickhead sometimes. None of these kids seemed to have any teeth and one lad just kept looking at me, right the way through. Even when we were out the gate I could see him looking out the window at me.
Still getting nowhere on COD Black Ops.



Previously:
Part 2
Part 1

Yes, yes, yes, NO

It's Gore-Tex - you know about Gore-Tex?

I was awoken this morn by the sound of rain thrashing my bedroom window, and the usual demands of an angry morning bladder. But it was the rain that filled me with joy - a chance to wear my ace Adidas Tokio Hi shoes. I got these a few months ago off ebay (I don't think they're in the shops any more).

They're a solid, smart piece of kit - really comfortable and, thanks to the goretex uppers, totally waterproof - with just a hint of Back to the Future. There's even a webbed bit at the top of the tongue to keep water from sneaking in at the top of the laces. So it's all good. Except. Ex-cept the soles - they slip in the wet.

This seems a monumental error in a pair of shoes whose main selling point is keeping water at bay. I've nearly gone on my arse both times I've worn these and that is not a good look for a man of my years, and girth. Hopefully the sole will wear down a bit in time, but even so, it's a fair balls up for something that had an RRP of over £100. And I have still to traverse the journey home.

The offending sole

A big list of ace

Apparently some pics on here were infringing copyright, so we should be safe with this pic of a kids' ride that looks a bit like David Cameron

Because, contrary to some reports, everything is not shite. These things are all ace:

Roast potatoes
Corn flakes with ice cold milk out of a glass bottle
Last-minute goals
Wanking 'on a full tank'
Penalty shoot-outs
Martin Kelner's Guardian column
Nando's
Cold bottles of beer from your own fridge
Eric Cantona
Match of the Day on Skywitchcraft when you fast-forward the blather
Public Enemy
The initial euphoria of sweet, sweet recreational drugs
Indian head massages
Girls in their Summer Clothes by Bruce Springsteen
Popscene by Blur
Kicker Conspiracy by t'Fall
Internet filth
The internet
eBay
Amazon
Bryan Robson
Pistachios 
Play.com
Stewart Lee

Jerry Sadowitz
Simon Munnery
David Peace
The Smiths
Veggie foo-yung, half and half, with curry sauce on top
Corrie
George Costanza
Porridge (the food)
Porridge (the programme)
The Simpsons (before it went shit)
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Star Wars (first three)
Original Star Wars cards
Original Star Wars toys
Diego Armando Maradona
Superman
Original Superman cards
3G astroturf
6876
Elland Road

adidas Ivan Lendl shirts
The IT Crowd
Back to the Future
Getting to the pub a bit early so you can read the paper
Freezing cold sunny days
FC United of Manchester
AFC Wimbledon
Fillet steak (rare)
The French Connection (I and II)
Beer on the balcony before going out for the night on holiday
Pink Floyd
Danny Baker
Bending your knees a bit when you have a wee when you're bursting
Goodison Park under lights
Red wine

Aways at West Ham and Spurs
The Good Rat by Jimmy Breslin
Sayers
The Arsenal Stadium, Highbury (not the shitty flats)
New trainers
CP Company Metropolis coats
Fancy bread with real butter
Big coats
Seabrook crisps
iPods and MP3 players in general

Yorkshire Tea
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Jack magazine (RIP)

Tom Sharpe
The Fatima Mansions
Douglas Adams
The iPhone (it's ace, and you should have got one, accept it)
Uniqlo jeans
The Young Ones
The Sopranos
Socks from Gap
Getting free stuff
Reeves and Mortimer
Flat white coffee
microKORG
Xbox
PlayStation
David Lacey
Twitter
Freezing Coca-Cola when you've got a hangover
Funeral dos
Cycling
A curry from your favourite gaff
Taking a chance on a new gaff (any food denomination) and it being great
The view from Hilly Fields
The Larry Sanders Show
Doing 'thingy'
sabotage times
Those breakfasts in a tin
That thing that makes you go back when you've been hurt (football, love, whatever)
A really massive chicken sarnie on event bread with salad, black pepper and mayonnaise
Alan Partridge
Undies hot off the radiator
Two pairs of socks at the match in winter
The smell of pubs as you walk past at Chrimbo
Chips out of the bag, with champagne (ooh, hoity-toity!)
Buying a new shirt
Thomas Hearns
Reading the paper on the bog
Peter Reid
BBQ Beef Hula Hoops
Knee-high boots (and no higher) on women
Chocolate Fingers
Metal Box by Public Image Ltd
The sheer enormity of it when you first go the match as a kid
South Park
One Summer
The new Wembley Stadium
The Clash
Inspiral Carpets
Five Families by Selwyn Raab
Auf Wiedersehen Pet (first two series)
Ian Brown
The Specials
Scully
The 1982 and 1986 World Cups

People who swear on phone-ins

And that's off the top of my head. This is my truth, tell me yours...