Same as it ever was

Pfft

It's telling that Leon Osman is David Moyes' most-used player. He is the manager writ large on the pitch - good to a point but can't cut it in the big games.
Osman has never really turned up in the derby - Moyes, only occasionally.
We need change at Everton - everyone can see this - but what's the point of getting some billionaire in to fight for the crumbs that fall of Manchester City's table? That way lies ruin. Everton need a complete overhaul. The way the club approaches everything must change.
Moyes is bulletproof at Everton but this conservatism is holding us back - the idea that if he leaves the whole thing collapses. That's a risk but it's one we need to take. Bill Kenwright, of course, will do nothing as he's in thrall of the manager. As he was the previous one until it was nearly too late.
Here's what won't happen: Kenwright thanks Moyes for his time and gets in, as it was rather eloquently put after Saturday's collapse, 'some foreign bloke'. It's glib but bear with me.
He then says, we've seen the future and it's Athletic Bilbao - the way they press all over the pitch, the way they are all comfortable on the ball, the way they play without fear. This is what we want for Everton.
The club should say that this will take a while and we may be shit for a few years - but then we're pretty shit anyway - but we have absolute faith in this vision. It is the only viable option for Everton.
Evertonians will accept Everton being shit - we're used to it now. But I think we'd all like to see a new young, vibrant Everton. We had a young, vibrant manager but unfortunately he's become stale.
Look at the teams who've wiped the floor with us in Europe over the last few years - the way they all play. Fast, quick passing. And then look at us.
This patchwork squad building model is never going to really cut it - but it's largely the only option open to the manager at present. So we change and have every player at every level of the club playing the right way. Comfortable on the ball and aggressive. The way Bilbao played against United - leaving them looking like a lumbering dinosaur - was exhilarating.
I don't know how we go about this and I have no idea who the manager to do it is, but there should be people at the club constantly working on improving us. If not, why not?
Saturday's routine loss doesn't have to be for nothing if it kick-starts a complete revision at Everton. Of course it won't though, and wouldn't it be just like Everton to go to Old Trafford on Sunday and get shrugged aside ahead of more patronising words from Sir Alex Ferguson?
Nil satis nisi optimum (unless we play Liverpool or in any kind of big game).

Kopites are?

The humanity!

BANG! And so the mask finally slipped to reveal the ugly, twisted, ugly, toothless, pale, ugly, a-bit-like-Darth-Vader-without-his-hat-on face of the Liverpool supporter.
So much has been written about Luis Suarez and the rest of those oiks we shall waste no more time on them here. For it is at the coal face where the really interesting buggers are to be found.
A world of slaveish cultism, banners, badges, meetings, videos and general all-round dingbattery.
And I for one salute them. I'm an Evertonian and I have many (three) chums who support Liverpool, each of whom I would trust with my own nutsack, should the situation demand it.
But it's the collective that I can't be doing with - never could, never will. Such a self-satisfied bunch of blowhards.
For convenience I'd chuck my pals in with this crowd of halfwits but I'd know, deep down, they were okay. Then came Suarez and the whole thing collapsed.
One of my most trusted inner circle (yes, YOU Ben, you potherb) started trotting out the party line. That Patrice Evra had lied/been rude/something and poor innocent Luis was innocent - it's a line that John 'bellend' Aldridge was trotting out on BBC Five Live at the weekend.
Even now, despite the verdict and apologies, there are still some Kopites clinging to the wreckage, with their fingers in their ears, screaming. Snot running down their faces, eyes wild with hate, thrashing against the world (their mums, mainly) at the sheer injustice of it all.
Sky TV, the BBC, Yanks (not those ones, THOSE ONES), Manchester United, the media in general - have all incurred the Kopites' wrath as they bounce around their crusty sock strewn bedrooms writing on the internet (yes, just like this!) about reports and declaring that they have read the reports and understand the reports better than some poxy QC and what the hell are we going to do about it well we'll show them.
All their self-manufactured 'goodwill' (other clubs' supporters probably didn't hate them, just thought they were nobheads) built up over years of flags and scarves and singing shit songs has been destroyed at a stroke.
And now, as the discussion finally moves on from Suarez and Evra, there are still a few, a select, dainty few, still raging, emboldened by the smouldering internet news that one of their top minds has found a video of the ghost handshake which shows Evra's arm wasn't out enough to be engaged.
Remember the episode of the Simpsons where Bart writes 'insert brain here' on the back of Homer's head and he spins round and round and round trying to see it and at first the family laughs but then it becomes awkward? Well this is just like that.
The worst thing that could have happened for normal Liverpool supporters was the agitators believing their press - that they got rid of 'dem Yanks'. No. You didn't. You're not some highly politicized force, you're noisy irritants.
And why do you all have to call it 'Libboobuborrblub' when you're clogging up the airwaves with your self righteousness and appalling clothes? We know what Liverpool refers to in this instance. No one's watching wondering what all this has to do with Liverpool chamber of commerce, or 'synagogue'.
Take this bundle of joy. He goes by the handle Skrtel Power and he's clearly vexed about Manchester United and Evra. Ooh he's vexed. As is his right as a consumer (who watches the games on the telly). But look at his room - there are pictures of footballers on it. This is a man of voting age.

This is the new, 'empowered' supporter. It's not exclusive to Liverpool but they do seem to attract them. A few years ago, Evertonians used to think of the Kopite collective as balloons but, like cockroaches and spiders in one's house, you could share the space as our worlds needn't clash.
That's changed now because some of them - and it seems like a fair number - think they're some kind of 'force for good'. Their protest marches against Tom Hicks and George Gillette - and I'm not knocking anyone who can be arsed doing something like that - will become the Kopite equivalent of the Sex Pistols at the Screen on the Green.
But the truth of it is, as a group: You take yourselves ridiculously seriously, you should shut the fuck up, and you wear bad training shoes.
That said, the world can look forward to seeing what the Kop banner random word generator throws up in support of Kenny Dalglish and ratboy Suarez. 'At the end of a storm there's a golden sky' was one being suggested on the Red and White Kop gentlemen's discussion forum. It's good because, apart form anything else, there isn't, even.

This load of old tosh was first published on http://www.sabotagetimes.com

And we are done

Name the year

That's it for me and Everton. I don't go much now anyway but Saturday's pathetic display at Arsenal has finished me off - specifically when Louis Saha was replaced.
Yes, he'd done fuck all but come on - give him something, anything! And bringing on Sylvain Distain means basically you're declaring at 0-0. Oops, and not for the first time.
What made the whole thing doubly annoying was the pub we'd been in pre-match actually had the game on. It's fitting that it was at Arsenal where I finally decided enough's enough. They compare their ticket prices to things like the theatre.
I'm going on Saturday to watch The Ladykillers - tickets were about the same as Saturday (£35) but with the theatre or a concert or whatever you have an idea of what you're getting. You make an informed decision based on reviews, experience, word of mouth.
It's not like that with football. What other part of your life do you pony up real money, knowing that it's going to be shit? You voluntarily do this week after week.
We were predictably insipid on Saturday. And yes, most teams go there and lose but it's different with Everton. We used to swat them aside. And now what - we (ie David Moyes) treat a 1-0 defeat as some kind of success.
Well we all know where we stand now, and I'm done with it. Fuck you Moyes, fuck you Bill Kenwright and chums, and fuck you Dermot O'Leary (whom I just don't like).

Onwards and crudwards

Gone (he isn't mentioned anywhere here you know)

To business. What we saw at Sames' Park on Saturday was Everton's problems simply nutshelled. Can't score goals, can't defend, tippy-tappy it around a bit in the middle to no great effect.
The excellent executioners bong website says we're only three points worse off than the same stage last season, when we went on to finish seventh.
Yes we are, but we're also really shit. I mean, needing-a-priest-to-get-out-of-it shit. We seem incapable of regularly getting the ball and some of our players around the opposition box - it's one or the other. Jack Rodwell's goal shows what can happen if you get people forward.
At the back we can't keep crosses out, and this is where we're letting goals in from. Maybe it's because the full-backs aren't getting any protection - I don't know.
Let's not dignify playing Seamus Coleman on the left with any discussion, but generally he's been poor this season. He works had, and yes he was cheap, but he isn't very good. Running fast is great if you're strictly in the running fast business, but he isn't. He's in the controlling the ball and doing something with it business.
On the other side Royston Drenthe is clearly lively and quick and actually a good player, but he's also an idiot.  Prone to wander in, leaving Leighton Baines - our one truly excellent player - on his own. With Drenthe you probably have to budget for one major cock-up a game. Like if your mother was a hen.
Generally the problem seems to be we're going out hoping to get something, rather than forcing things. David Moyes has always been a reactive manager with Everton - rarely changing things early, even if we're playing shit. He's also been generally a conservative one, favouring 4-5-1 most of the time.
It worked well while we had good players but now we don't. Louis Saha - and it's an abject dereliction of duty to leave your team relying on him for goals - is isolated in most games or ends up going out wide to pick the ball up, leaving us with nowt up front.

Goal!

Newcastle had two up front on Saturday and it meant that our centre halfs couldn't settle, whereas we are content to sit back and defend from the halfway line. This can work but wouldn't it be better to have some pressure further up the pitch?
This formation got the best out of players like Mikel Arteta, Steven Pienaar and Tim Cahill, but two of those have now gone and the other one is struggling for form.
Cahill's not scored for Everton since - you'd think this would be easy to find what with that internet and all but it isn't. I think it's about a year. Anyway, coincidence?
We look like a team struggling, not just for form, but for confidence. If we concede one everyone knows there's little chance of us scoring two.
Look at how Newcastle defended on Saturday, they did just enough most of the time. Like against Manchester United we never really looked like scoring - there were few occasions where you'd think, he should have scored.
Newcastle look half-decent but that's about it, we look slow and knackered. They had more than enough for to keep us out.
Moyes has obviously been dealt a shitty hand on transfers but he has to get on with it because if this team gets stuck down the bottom I doubt it has the quality or the oomph to get out of it.
Moyes seems to send them out looking to keep it tight until half time and go from there. He needs to send them out to attack because lately we look like we're hoping to draw, and it isn't working.

Everton v Manchester United REPORT!

Takeaway

Manchester United bounced RIGHT fucking back from last Sunday's humiliation at the golden hands of Manchester City by dispatching Everton with minimum fuss.
Everton had a go at it for about 15 minutes and went close, then United scored and Goodison deflated and sagged like Nigella Lawson after her 'best' girdle splits. Does that work? I'm not sure it does.
Anyway half time came and people didn't even bother discussing the match because no one really cares any more, I mean what's the point?
This happened to Everton against United even when we had a half decent team, but now? We've now sold all our best players - Fellaini? Oh fuck off - and signed the Argentinian Ashley Ward as back up for two perma-injured layabouts and a Greek lad who looks slightly embarrassed to be there.
Be honest, have you ever seen anyone look so awkward as Aspostolos Velios after his two goals, which I think make him joint top scorer for the Blues. Fucking two.
There was a - ACTUALLY THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN AS UNITED WERE HAPPY TO LET EVERTON HAVE THE BALL BUT IF THEY'D SCORED A SECOND I THINK IT WOULD HAVE - brief rally at the start of the second half, from the players and the stands, until United popped in the second on the hour, leaving the Goodison support with a stark choice - early dart or stay to boo?
It'll probably stay 2-0 because, if we're honest, it's a result which suits us all - points for them, and at least we didn't get fucked by a team that, horror of horrors, spends money. Ooh, the rotters.
Everton: Howard, Hibbert, Jerjelka, Distain, Baines, Coleman, Osman, Fellaini, Rodwell, Cahill, Saha. He'll have Coleman on the right, Osman on the left and the other three fannying around in the middle with Saha looking like a fella starved of attention 30 yards further up the pitch.
Okay, so Cahill was injured but the Russian came and showed us all what a superb piece of business he was. I've never seen anyone so adept at making sure there was an opposition player between him and the ball at all times.
Also does Fellaini ever pass it forward? You too, Rodwell. Either/or with those two I think.

Everton v Manchester United - PREVIEW!

No chance

Manchester United will bounce RIGHT fucking back from last Sunday's humiliation at the golden hands of Manchester City by dispatching Everton with minimum fuss.
Everton will have a go at it for about 15 minutes, maybe even go close, then United will score one and Goodison will deflate and sag like Nigella Lawson after her 'best' girdle splits. Does that work? I'm not sure it does.
Anyway half time will come and people won't even bother discussing the match because no one really cares any more, I mean what's the point?
This happened to Everton against United even when we had a half decent team, but now? We've now sold all our best players - Fellaini? Oh fuck off - and signed the Argentinian Ashley Ward as back up for two perma-injured layabouts and a Greek lad who looks slightly embarrassed to be there.
Be honest, have you ever seen anyone look so awkward as Aspostolos Velios after his two goals, which I think make him joint top scorer for the Blues. Fucking two.
There'll be a brief rally at the start of the second half, from the players and the stands, until United pop in the second on the hour, leaving the Goodison support with a stark choice - early dart or stay to boo?
It'll probably stay 2-0 because, if we're honest, it's a result which suits us all - points for them, and at least we didn't get fucked by a team that, horror of horrors, spends money. Ooh, the rotters.
Everton: Howard, Hibbert, Jerjelka, Distain, Baines, Coleman, Osman, Fellaini, Rodwell, Cahill, Saha. He'll have Coleman on the right, Osman on the left and the other three fannying around in the middle with Saha looking like a fella starved of attention 30 yards further up the pitch.

How many lists make five? A list, a list, a list and a half...

Lists

Back to the well in a little feature I like to call: Pitched ideas that may or may not have been picked up by magazines a few years ago. 

It's a rich vein of material and no mistake, if this sizzling stack of lists sent to the now defunct and much-missed Jack magazine is any guide. 

Not sure how many they used but these would have been done in about 2004 and give a fair insight in to the mind of the 30-something male of the day. 

I'd not long given up smoking and had recently rekindled a rampant love affair with chocolate (oh! Smarties bars and loneliness...) 

And don't forget, Eccles Cake or Egg Custard, while you're here.

Jack Lists

 Five National Lampoon’s Vacation things:

• Cousin Vicki: “I'm going steady, and I French kiss.”
  Audrey: “So? Everybody does that.”
  Cousin Vicki: “Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.”

• Rusty: “Oink Oink, my good man!"

• Rusty: “Dad, I think he’s gonna pork her!”

• Rusty: “So I says to him, I said "Get your own monkey!”

• Cousin Eddie: “I haven't seen a beatin' like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose.”

          Clark: “Thanks for the pick me up Eddie.”

Ha ha ha!

 Five awful sports brands:

• Troop
• British Knights
• K – Swiss (original five stripes? You’re fooling no one)
• Pony
• Skechers

 Five modern crisp classics:

Yummo!

• McCoy’s Thai sweet chicken
• Golden Wonder sausage and tomato
• Rib n’ Saucy Nik Naks
• Bugles – all of them
• Sweet chilli Doritos

 Five incredible contemporary confectionery treats

• Kit Kat Kubes
• Mars Delight
• Cornetto love potions
• Peanut Lion bar
• Smarties chocolate bars

 Five things you never got for chrimbo:

Fucking  A

• Big Trak
• Millenium Falcon
• Diamondback BMX
• TCR
• Battery-powered car you could sit in and drive

Five 70s rockers you won’t admit you like:

• Steely Dan
• Electric Light Orchestra
• The Eagles
• The Doobie Brothers
• Peter Frampton

Matt Smith wrote Jet Set Willy 

Five great football teams:

• Everton 1984 – 1987
• Manchester United 1994 – 1999
• Liverpool 1976 – 1984
• Arsenal 1998 – present
• Leeds United 1968 – 1974

Five great Spectrum games:

• Jet Set Willy
• Skooldaze
• Chuckie Egg
• Match Day
• Attic Attack

Five ace words to say:

• Undies
• Trump
• Blubber
• Crud
• Balderdash

10 Gatwick airport things:

Roomy

• Thinking “you’d better be foreign” at Nike Extravago-shod youths
• Departure screens all over the show - but no clock. Anywhere.
• An ill-advised wink at the passport control chap
• A double brandy
• A seven paaanddd brekky
• Yanks trying on flat caps
• The anxiety of a bearded man going through customs
• Stag dos going to Amsterdam, smiling
• Stag dos coming in from Amsterdam, smiling nervously
• Cavernous disabled toilets

(Not even) the best of the rest

The best

"It's a sign of how far we've come...' is one of new football's most irritating phrases. Kenny 'Kenny' Dalglish said it the other day in reference to drawing at home to a Manchester United XI.
Evertonians said it about us for a bit, but not now.
When we were the 'best of the rest' the underlying fear was, given the lack of dough, what would happen when we fell away. Now we're seeing it.
After the 2009 FA Cup final - this was straight after, in the pub - a pal said it would be the high water mark, and clearly he was right.
But less realistic members of Everton's super hunky support reckoned with just a few tweaks we could still do something.
Those tweaks were generally regarded as getting shut of Tony Hibbert and Leon Osman, widely regarded as being not quite good enough for the mythical 'next level' - in our case fourth.
Of the two, it's Osman's current standing which is interesting. A midfield which once seemed a little over-fed has now shed its two leading creative types - Steven Pienaar and that RAT Mikel Arteta - to leave Osman as arguably the main schemer.
Osman's a fine player, but has looked a bit lost of late, although it could be argued he's never really been that good in the big games.
Marouane Fellaini can be a brilliant player but he's been really off it this season, and he's clearly leaving, so we appear to be preparing to heap more pressure on Osman.
It's a sign of how far we've fallen that he's the creative mainstay of a team that, until quite recently, looked on the verge of doing something.
In fact you might say Osman has now become 'the best of the rest'. You see, kids. This is how the pros do it.

Why does the sun go on shining?

Dignified

Let's keep this brief. It is my contention that there is a reason things like Jack Rodwell's sending off keep happening to Everton. And it's down to the way the club portrays itself, as the plucky victim.

Liverpool get a few decisions they don't like and what happens? They demand answers from the very overlords of refereeing, because how dare anyone do anything they don't like?

Whereas Everton have been wringing their hands and apologising for making the place look a mess for so long they expect to get the shitty end of the stick, and are rarely disappointed.

That utter gobshite Graham Poll was interviewed on the official Everton website last week. Here's what he said about the pressure the Goodison crowd puts on the referee: "If a decision goes against Everton early in the match the crowd can really get on your case. 

"I find referees tend to react in one of two ways - they're either slightly influenced by the crowd and Everton get one or two decisions. The other kind probably dig in and think ‘I’ll show you – you can’t put pressure on me’. Nobody would deliberately go against a team, but subliminally you might."

Now how many times have you seen a referee at Goodison - especially against Liverpool or Manchester United - do the latter? I’ll stick my neck out here and say it doesn’t happen very often at Anfield or Old Trafford (to the home team, obviously). 

The only reason I can think of is, it’s not expected to happen, so generally it doesn’t. Opposition teams rarely get penalties at Old Trafford, because it would be 'wrong'.

So how do Everton change things? In the week leading up to a big game David Moyes should be banging on about the need for a strong ref, one who doesn't want to be friends with ‘Stevie’ or ‘Wazza’. He should be pointing out that we've had some appalling decisions in these games – just keep banging on and on and on.

And yes I know there’s something to be said for being stoic and just getting on with it, but we’ve done that and this is what happens. Maybe we should try and play the game, wretched as it is, a bit more. 

Because the records don’t show that convention dictated Liverpool throw the ball back to West Ham in the last minute of the cup final. They show the result after Liverpool - quite rightly - played on, Steven Gerrard equalised and Liverpool went on to win the cup. 

Do we want to be nice or do we want to win?  

Deadline day, as it happened

Cunt

Wow! Well how was it for you? Another incredible transfer deadline day - or 'season long loan', if you will - is over.

As ever your favourite lifestyle website for top boners was all over the big stories. If you missed any of it, here's what the nation's top Twitter feed revealed yesterday. 

Read from the bottom up to get a sense of the how things unfolded, or from the top to take a trip back in time. 

All spelling and grammar has been left as is to give you a sense of the urgency and drama we professionals are in the middle of on the day when football teams do the same thing they do for many months of the year, only with more shouting. 

AND THATS IT GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY. now, what about emerdale eh?

LAVA #arteta move on hold! delivery of burning torches diverted from goodison to emirates. angry mob mulling options #deadlineday

INCREDIBLE: all Jim Whites declared 'null and void' as of 11pm #deadlineday

SIMMERING: arteta to #arsenal back off again! wenger poos out shoes, eats them again. pat rice! #deadlineday

 

mikel artetas tea ow.ly/i/gzgS

dont forget #arsenal get till next friday to complete their transfers. #deadlineday

BASSETT: #deadlineday and new years eve to be combined in double-bellend scheme. romans stripped of calender rights, now under sky control

MEFFY: #deadlineday tea=leftover mash (nuked),fish fingers, beans. mine or mikel arteta's? we'll reveal all, after this short break

ICE: arteta to #arsenal is OFF. wenger forced to eat own shoes. more to follow #deadlineday

FLANGER: man eats pig! stock market rallies!

ODDS: #efc chairman kenwright on bus to manc airport with slummy jar. jenny seagrove shrieks 'bill! warrabout the asda?!' #deadlineday

@jimw1 @ianhough jim, i've just sat on me sack. any chance of a shouted RT?

Denis Stracqualursi's name is pronounced 'denny', 'denny la', or 'strazzy' #efc #deadlineday

 

An evening With Sir Terry Pratchett featuring the same story over and over again. via @londonist londonist.com/2011/08/hot-ti…

VULVA: #brfc face yakubu tapping up probe after trail of chicken carcases found between southport + eewood. RAC 'livid' #deadlineday

PHENOMENALHANDCLAPBAND: #efc swoop for mrs beckford! spurs sign pete beale! shoe hits tree! full story skysports.com/football/ #deadlineday.

CHOMP: jim 'INCREDIBLE!' does toilet toilet live on air after reading out the name of stockports new loan signing. #deadlineday

An evening With Sir Terry Pratchett featuring the same story over and over again. via @londonist londonist.com/2011/08/hot-ti…

THUNDERCLAPNEWMAN: #efc pull out of #lcfc beckford deal, declaring the player to be 'worth more as parts'. mrs beckford 'livid' #deadlineday

SPLASH! man gets cake! more to follow #deadlineday

RADIOACTIVE: #efc sign bendtner from #afc who pay £10m cash with arteta and tim howard going to the londoners. barclays put gun away.

  

An Evening With Sir Terry Pratchett featuring the same story over and over again. via @londonist londonist.com/2011/08/hot-ti…

SMOKING: source at #cpfc says they're in talks to buy iluv urbone from fc reykjavic. anusor minge (turkey) monitoring #deadlineday

im off for me dinner. for ECSCLUSIVE #transferwindow updates follow @Thomas_Pepper

An Evening With Sir Terry Pratchett featuring the same story over and over again. via @londonist londonist.com/2011/08/hot-ti…

RIPE: #arsenal transfer tzar revealed: jeremyhall.co.uk/wp-content/upl… #deadlineday

SOLAR: #mcfc to buy scotland.turn it into 'a big shed'. scots parliament in emergency overnight session. mars shares soar #deadlineday

biff_bifferson biff bifferson

BANANA COLD: #celtic turn down juventus loan bid for Tiberius weathercock #deadlineday

BLUSHING: SSN reporter bryan swanson's phone explodes live on air, covering vicky gomersall in righteous transfer goo #deadlineday

TEMPERATE: bodyworld doc Gunther von Hagens in talks to land #efc striker louis saha. #deadlineday

NUCLEAR HOT #blackburn sign fc thun defender filipo bosoms (£5m) #deadlineday #brfc

HOT #bcafc in talks to sign #cufc striker brian deckchair (undisclosed) #deadlineday

COLD: #CAFC turn down #gillingham bid for dave pie

EXCLUSIVE: man drives car to work. parks car. goes inside - source, sky sports news

LUKEWARM #spurs offer 'some money and that' for arteta and fellaini. #efc demand jermaine jenas' skincare secret. redknapp:'no dice!'

TEPID: #efc reject #arsenal double swoop for arteta and fellaini. Baines to #mufc £15m REJECTED #deadlineday

EXCLUSIVE: man buys man. details to follow #deadlineday

HOT #watford in talks with #inverness cally over loan for steve archibald's son kareem

RED HOT #efc yakubu and anichebe at #Millwall for talks after 574 quid deal struck VIDEO yfrog.us/n9dh4z

TEPID: #sunderland and #thfc deadlocked over crouch fee. Redknapp blasts envelope's 'paucity'.

HOT: Barnett sign crewes chad French on season long loan. COLD: southamptons Steve blameless turns down move to hated rivals fc Copenhagen

Happy deadline day everyone!