Up for t'cup

Wembley! 

I've not done many Ev-related posts on here, which you may have seen was in the Guardian's top 20 most influential blogs the other week (at number 9,000,006). But stuff it, here's one.
One of the surprises of Saturday's FA Cup win at Chelsea, aside from me shouting 'FUCKING YES!' in the bar at London's swanky Ivy restaurant when Leighton Baines equalised (a diary error prevented me from attending both, and grub's always going to win out over football these days), is the lack of noise from Everton's notoriously media-shy owner Bill Kenwright.
I might have missed it but I haven't seen anything of him, which is unusual following a notable Everton win. Perhaps he's just mindful that, to many, the overall Everton curve is still trundling down.
Unless there's dough to spend, even a cup final win probably won't be enough to keep David Moyes at Goodison now - if anything it would strengthen his hand with future employers. All very depressing.
Anyway the point of all this? We'll fuck up against Reading just as we're all getting carried away. And you know why? Because that's what we do. So here in no particular order are five memorable fuck ups in a little feature I like to call:

Five-we-did-the-hard-part-then-ballsed-it-up-next-round Everton defeats of recent vintage


1: Lost 2-1 v West Ham United (FA Cup 6 round, 11/3/91)
This of course coming after we beat Liverpool 1-0 (Dave Watson) in the second replay. The first replay was the 4-4 at Goodison - a game remembered as the one where I foolishly wore a new pair of jeans which hadn't nearly been broken in enough so I spent a fair amount of it whimpering to myself in discomfort.
I think the first game at Anfield was the one where Pat Nevin was denied a clear penalty at the Anfield Road end. It might not have been - do your own checking, lazy-arse.
From memory - I watched this in the Fusilier in Prescot with a lot of angry Evertonians (was it on Sky or maybe the mythical 'Norwegian'?) - we were just shit. Goals from Colin Foster and Stuart Slater (I mean, come on) put West Ham, who I think were in the I Zingari that season, through to a semi against Nottingham fucking Forest who beat them 4-0 before losing the final 2-1 to Spurs.

2: Lost 2-1 v Aston Villa, FA Cup 6 round, 20/2/2000
It wasn't so much that we'd done the hard work before this one - Exeter, Birmingham and Preston were our earlier opponents - as much as what lay ahead that marked this out as a fuck up.
If we'd have got through this we'd have faced either Newcastle, Bolton or pre-Ambramovic (but still a good side) Chelsea in the semis.
I was living in New York at the time and there were a few blues used to go in this bar on Queen's Boulevard (Flynn's, run by two Evertonian brothers) and all the talk was of flying back for the cup final if we got there - really doing it in style: champagne, limos, the whole schmere.
Got beat 2-1 in an appalling performance. Villa beat Bolton in the semi before rolling over against Chelsea.

3: Lost 1-0 v Liverpool, fifth round, 21/2/88
I seem to have blocked this one from my memory but it came after the titanic struggle against the mighty Middlesbrough, where a Tony Mowbray oggy eventually put Everton through against - I dunno, div two? - opposition in the second replay.
Trevor Steven equalised in injury time in extra time in the first replay - the latest goal I can remember us scoring - at Ayresome Park, after the initial 1-1 draw at Goodison. What an oddly-constructed sentence.
Anyway I have no idea what happened but we got beat and Liverpool slithered through to the last eight where they were joined by: Luton, Portsmouth, Manchester City, Watford, Arsenal, Nottingham Forest, Garston Woodcutters, and me and my mum. Liverpool went on to stuff City 4-0 in the quarters, then beat Forest in the semis before playing Wimbledon in the final. Ha!

4: Drew 1-1 (out on pens) v Sunderland, League Cup 5th round, 11/11/98 
Heady days for Evertonians these and I must confess I have no memory of this game either but it's all there on wikipedia so must be true.
After shrugging aside Huddersfield and Middlesbrough an Everton squad boasting John O Kane and Peter Degn in its ranks drew 1-1 with Sunderland before going out on pens.
Sunderland went on to face Luton Town in the quarters before being knocked out by Leicester City 3-2 over two legs (Tony Cottee got all three) in the semis.
The last eight that year was: Sunderland, Luton, Wimbledon, Chelsea,  Leicester, Blackburn, Spurs and Manchester United. Spurs beat Leicester, managed by that jumpity little prick Martin O'Neill I think, 1-0 in the final.

5: Lost 3-2 v Bradford City, FA Cup 4th round, 25/1/97
Fuck me as shit goes this was real base level crud - and it's to Everton's credit that in a time of unmitigated awfulness they could still manage some remarkable performances.
Everton were terrible in a game that saw Andrei Kanchelskis hand in his notice on the pitch. Three goals in 10 minutes for City did the damage, including a Chris Waddle lob from the halfway line.
Gary Speed got one in the 90th minute (Andy O'Brien's oggy was Everton's other) and, typically, Everton made a great chance right at the death as the ball was moved out wide to Duncan Ferguson who, seemingly in slow motion, missed. Or the keeper saved - who the fuck cares? The picture's hopeless here but the commentary is ace (Waddle's goal is 1min 43 sec in - superb stuff).
City went on to a home fifth round tie with Sheffield Wednesday, who beat them 1-0. The teams in the quarters that year were: Chesterfield (who were famously robbed in the semi against Boro), Wrexham, Portsmouth, Chelsea, Sheffield Wednesday, Wimbledon, Derby County and Middlesbrough. Chelsea beat Boro 2-0 in the final.

Still, you can't beat a cup match can you - especially at night.

Alan Nixon says so - the result

Representing a meat market or bullshit? Your choice

Right me hearties, Nixon watch has reached its conclusion. We’ve tracked each of Alan ‘on my life mate’ Nixon’s transfer stories over the last seven weeks. It’s been a wild ride and we’ve seen some crazy things, but mostly I’ll remember the laughter.

This is a mixture of players Nixon has linked with other clubs in a fairly vague way and things he has said will happen. The language of football writing is such that the two tend to merge.

It's a long list so the headlines are: In the seven weeks covered I saw 88 Nixon-penned transfer (players or managers) stories on the Mirror or People websites (I didn't see any elsewhere so there may be a few I've missed). Of these, he got 25 right, 61 wrong and two are pending (apologies if the maths is messed up. I've got a hangover.) 

These are only stories with Nixon's byline on - they don't include any uncredited ones, say the Mirror's Football Spy, so there could be tons I've missed. He got off to a stinking start with only one right in the first two weeks but got stronger towards the end of the window. This may reflect the more concrete nature of Nixon's information at a time when clubs are actually looking to do business. Rather than just making up shite.

A number of players pop up repeatedly – like Blackpool's Charlie Adam - as do a number of the same clubs. Blackburn Rovers are particularly well covered. It’s almost as if Nixon is willing these moves. But why? On an unconnected note does he still have shares in that player agency?

Taking each week’s predictions with a simple right or wrong, here are the results of the man with  the 'inside scoop' - the man the Mirror call their 'transfer gossip specialist':

11/12/10-18/12/10

Blackpool's Charlie Adam to Blackburn Rovers for £3 million – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Bolton to sign Swansea’s Darren Pratley (free in the summer) - PENDING

Diego Maradona to be next Blackburn Rovers manager – WRONG

Alan Shearer to manage Blackburn (joint byline with David Anderson) - WRONG 

Everton's Leighton Baines to Bayern Munich for £10 million – WRONG

Martin Jol or Chris Hughton to West Ham (joint byline with Alan Oliver) - WRONG

19/12/10 - 24/12/10

Daniel Sturridge from Chelsea to Liverpool – WRONG (Bolton on loan)

Jay Bothroyd (Cardiff) to Chelsea – WRONG (still at Cardiff)

Zolton Gera from Fulham to Wolfsburg (joint byline with Dave Kidd) – WRONG (still at Fulham)

Ivan Rakitic (Schalke) to Fulham on a free in the summer – WRONG (signed for Sevilla in January)

Blackpool's Charlie Adam to Blackburn Rovers or Stoke City – STILL WRONG

Blackburn to name Steve Kean as manager - RIGHT

Steve Sidwell (Villa) to West Ham – WRONG (went to Fulham)

Steven Ireland leaving Villa for a loan spell at Celtic – WRONG (went to Newcastle on loan)

Dieumerci Mbokani from Monaco to West Ham – WRONG (on loan at Wolfsburg)

25/12/10 to 31/12/10

Sam Allardyce to be the next Burnley manager (joint byline with David Anderson) – WRONG (Eddie Howe is Clarets boss)

Owen Coyle (Bolton) 'to one of English football`s major powers'. Nixon mentions Liverpool – WRONG (still at Bolton)

Eidur Gudjohnsen (Stoke) wants out, to anywhere -  RIGHT (sort of, on loan at Fulham)

Stephen Ireland and Richard Dunne (Aston Villa) to Celtic (probably loans) – WRONG (Ireland to Newcastle on loan, Dunne still at Villa)

Blackburn's Chris Samba to Aston Villa (WRONG – signed a new contract) 

Wayne Bridge from Manchester City to West Ham (loan or full transfer) – RIGHT (loan)

Demba Ba (Hoffenheim) to West Ham - RIGHT

David Luiz (Benfica) to Chelsea or City for £35m – RIGHT (but for less than that)

Kevin Wilson (Forest) to Celtic (pre contract) – RIGHT

Barcelona's Oriol Romeu to Blackburn or Villa (WRONG – still at Barca)

Sergio Roberto to Chelsea (WRONG, still at Barca ‘B’

Emile Heskey (Villa) to Leicester on loan (WRONG – still at Villa)

Doncaster manager to Nottingham Forest (WRONG, still at Rovers, Billy Davies still at Forest.

Neil Sullivan to be the new Doncaster boss (WRONG – see above)

1/1/11 -7/1/11

Ronaldinho (AC MIlan) to Blackburn Rovers – WRONG (went to Flamengo)

Preston North End's Adam Barton to Liverpool – WRONG (still at Preston)

Malky Mackay (Watford) to boss Burnley if Sam Allardyce turns it down – WRONG (Mackay still at Hornets, Allardyce still eating pizza off his t-shirt while watching his box set of A Fine Romance)

Brad Guzan (Villa) to Hull City on loan - RIGHT

Carlos Vela (Arsenal) to Bolton on loan – WRONG (went to West Brom on loan)

Roque Santa Cruz (Manchester City) to Blackburn on loan - RIGHT

Chris Samba (Blackburn) to Villa for James Collins/cash – WRONG (Samba signed new deal, Collins still at Villa)

Charlie Adam (Blackpool) to Blackburn – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Le Havre midfielder Gueida Fofana to Villa – WRONG (Still at Le Havre)

Spurs full back Kyle Walker to Villa on loan - RIGHT

Steve Sidwell from Villa to West Ham – WRONG (went to Fulham)

Victor Caceres (Libertad) to Sunderland – WRONG (still there)

Birmingham's Seb Larsson to Newcastle – WRONG (still there)

Brann Bergen’s Rodolph Austin to QPR – WRONG (still there)

Rodrigo Moreno (Benfica) to make current loan at Bolton permanent – WRONG (still on loan)

8/1/11 - 14/1/11

David Wheater (Middlesbrough) to Bolton Wanderers – RIGHT

Stephen Pienaar (Everton) to Spurs – RIGHT

Robbie Keane to Everton (part of Pienaar deal) – WRONG (Keane at West Ham on loan)

Avram Grant to become Chelsea's director of football if he gets the boot from West Ham United (PENDING)

Shane Lowry (Aston Villa) is off to Charlton on loan for the rest of the season – WRONG (at Sheff Utd on loan for season)

Sunderland ­midfielder Jordan Henderson and Newcastle full-back Jose Enrique to Manchester United (joint byline with Alan Oliver) – WRONG (neither have left)

Charlie Adam (Blackpool) to Birmingham, Sunderland or Blackburn – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Stephen Warnock and James Collins (both Villa) swap for Chris Samba (Blackburn) – WRONG (all three at same clubs)

Nick Powell to Blackburn or Arsenal – WRONG (still at Crewe)

Southampton winger Jason Puncheon, currently on loan at Millwall, to Blackpool – RIGHT (although it’s a loan not permanent as Nixon said)

Jason Banton to Liverpool from Blackburn – RIGHT

Birmingham winger Sebastian Larsson to Blackburn – WRONG (still at Brum)

Bournemouth boss Eddie Howe to Burnley – RIGHT

15/1/11 - 21/1/11

Charles N’Zogbia (Wigan) off to Liverpool or Sunderland (joint byline with Darren 'kopite' Lewis) – WRONG (still at Wigan)

Ipswich midfielder Grant Leadbitter to Wigan, Wolves or West Brom – WRONG (still at Ipswich)

Michael Owen (Manchester United and Ladbrokes) is to Sunderland – WRONG (Still at Manchester United)

Manchester City's Shaun Wright-Phillips to Bolton – WRONG (still at City)

Benfica's Rodrigo Moreno to Bolton – RIGHT (loan)

El Hadji Diouf leaving Blackburn - doesn't say where - with Birmingham's Seb Larsson replacing him – RIGHT in that Diouf left (Rangers on loan), WRONG on Larsson (still at Brum)

Barnsley's Adam Hammill to Wolves – RIGHT

Everton's James Vaughan to Celtic on loan – WRONG (went to Palace on loan)

Stephen Ireland (Villa) on loan to Newcastle – RIGHT

Blackpool's Charlie Adam to Villa – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Emmanuel Adebayor (Manchester City) to Monaco – WRONG (went to Real Madrid on loan)

David Healy on loan to Rangers from Sunderland – RIGHT (although it’s a permanent move)

Exeter's Ryan Harley to Swansea – RIGHT

22/1/11 to whatever day the transfer window shut

El Hadji Diouf (Blackburn) to West Ham – WRONG (went to Rangers on loan)

Charlie Adam (Blackpool) to Liverpool (joint byline with David Maddock) – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Patrice Evra (Manchester United) to Real Madrid – WRONG (still at United)

Benfica full-back Fabio Coentrao, Jose Enrique (Newcastle) or Celtic’s Emilio Izaguirre to replace Evra (joint byline with Tom Hopkinson) – WRONG (none have moved clubs)

Manchester City’s Emmanuel Adebayor to Monaco for £9m – WRONG (at Real Madrid on loan)

Shaun Wright-Phillips (Manchester City) to Bolton – WRONG (still at City)

Carlos Vela (Arsenal) to Bolton on loan – WRONG (went to West Brom on loan)

Ruben Rochina (Barcelona), Sao Paolo's Ronieli dos Santos, and Mauro Formica (Newell's Old Boys) to Blackburn – RIGHT, WRONG, RIGHT (dos Santos went to Karşıyaka on loan)

West Ham’s Freddie Piquionne to Sunderland - WRONG (still at West Ham)

Obafemi Martins (Rubin Kazan) on loan to Birmingham on loan – RIGHT

Aston Villa's Stephen Ireland to Newcastle - RIGHT

Spurs' Niko Kranjcar to Werder Bremen – WRONG (still at Spurs)

Christian Poulsen (Liverpool) to Monaco – WRONG (still there)

Everton's James Vaughan to Crystal Palace – RIGHT (but on loan, not the £850k Nixon said)

Swindon striker Charlie Austin to Ipswich for £1.2m – WRONG (he went to Burnley)

Alan Nixon says so, 22/1/11 to whatever day the transfer window shut

A bus is just one of Blackburn's attractions

Home straight for Alan Nixon says so now, with Sky's mega countdown (they invented the game you know. Oh yes, time was old idiots like Tommy Lawton would just run round aimlessly screaming 'what is this game!?' while smashing their faces against the goalpost. Generation upon generation searching for direction then Sky came and showed us the way) trickling towards its terrible conclusion. Like a post-five-pint wank.
So what certs has Alan Nixon served up via the cast iron medium of the Mirror/People this last week? Behold: 
Statesman-like El Hadji Diouf (Blackburn) is off to West Ham while Charlie Adam (Blackpool) is ready to 'force' a move to Liverpool (joint byline with David Maddock that one). 
Further east Manchester United are braced for Patrice Evra's imminent defection to Real Madrid and have Benfica full-back Fabio Coentrao, Newcastle’s Spanish star Jose Enrique or Celtic’s Honduran wing-back Emilio Izaguirre lined up to replace him. Bet hedging courtesy of Nixon and 1940s tobacconist Tom Hopkinson there. 
United's Manchester chums City will lose Emmanuel Adebayor to Monaco (oops) for £9m while Shaun Wright-Phillips has been seduced by New Bolton's style of football and will stop at nought to sign up to the land of faded blue Ford Escorts and Ennesse trackies. Wanderers are also getting Arsenal striker Carlos Vela on loan.
Just over from Bolton lie the golden plains of Blackburn - where 'tis said - a man can dine mightily off a pound and still have change to entertain a young lady in the manner of a princess. By driving like a maniac and killing her. Topical - that's satire right there.
The town will be lifted to know Rovers' Chris Samba - who Nicko's previously had going all over t'shop - is staying at Ewood now. And joining him will be Ruben Rochina (Barcelona) and Sao Paolo's Ronieli dos Santos. You can see them advertising their new homes now: 'Blackburn - come for the scenery, stay for the pea-wet.' Or is that Wigan? Argentinian star Mauro Formica (Newell's Old Boys - aren't they all dear!) will also be joining them if his visa or something issues are sorted.
Elsewhere Sunlan want Wiissttaaammm's Freddie Piquionne for £3m as Steve Bruce is giving up on Stoke's Ricardo Fuller. West Brom are set to lose out on Obafemi Martins (who was always available cheap on Playstation2 PES and was dead fast but hopeless) who is leaving Russian side Rubin Kazan and going to Birmingham on loan. 
Speaking of shite, Newcastle covet Aston Villa's Stephen Ireland. Werder Bremen fancy Spurs' Niko Kranjcar to the tune of £5m but he wants to stay in the Premier League, ideally with Lipewl, who will offload Christian Poulsen (I thought he was the chairman or something?) to Monaco. Across Stanley Park Everton's James Vaughan went to Crystal Palace, but on loan, not the £850k Nixon said.
And lastly, everyone's favourite home movie director Paul Jewell is ready to bring Swindon striker Charlie Austin to Ipswich for £1.2m.
That's all I've seen fuckos, now put your knickers on and make us a brew. 

Gold to reveal all

Youthful

West Ham United co-owner David Gold has promised to reveal the secret of eternal youth IF the people in charge of divvying out the Olympic stadium give the Hammers the nod.
Gold, 74, and his 50-year-old daughter Jacqueline - the boss of 1970s nifty-knickers store Ann Summers - have baffled the public for years with their youthful looks. 
Many cultural commentators credit the life-giving properties of porno, and the years spent basking in its glow.
But nay-sayers point to Gold's co-owner at West Ham, tortured goblin David Sullivan, 35, as the evidence against. 
Whatever the truth, we won't be finding out for a bit with the Olympic Park Legacy Company delaying the stadium decision, possibly for up to a fortnight. 
This might be because they're working their way through free DVDs of the Shaved Mamas in Space series, reports are unclear at this stage.

Alan Nixon says so 8/1/11 - 14/1/11

You can hang your hat on this

This week's Alan Nixon round up of players and managers who, his tireless research informs him, are on the move. From the Mirror/People (they seem to put their stuff on the Mirror site): David Wheater (Middlesbrough) to Bolton Wanderers for £2.25m, but Nicko later reckons the fee's a stumbling block. What insight! 
Stephen Pienaar (Everton) is off to Spurs with Robbie Keane coming the other way 'if Spurs pay some of his wages', which must be tempting for them.
Avram Grant to become Chelsea's director of football if he gets the boot from West Ham United.  
Shane Lowry (Aston Villa) is off to Charlton on loan for the rest of the season. Manchester United are planning a 'double raid' on the north east with Sunderland ­midfielder Jordan Henderson and Newcastle full-back Jose Enrique both gagging to join Fergie's band of referee-baiting gobshites (joint byline with Alan Oliver).
Charlie Adam (Blackpool) is the subject of a three-club 'bidding war', with Birmingham, Sunderland and Blackburn the dizzying possibilities for the man with the demob haircut. Blackburn are also after Villa pair Stephen Warnock and James Collins in a swap for 'unsettled Steve Kemba', sorry I just made a player up there, Chris Samba.
Nicko also warns 'Rovers will have to move fast if they want to snap up 16-year-old Crewe teenager Nick Powell, as the England youth striker is also interesting Arsenal'. Make haste, Blackburn! And Blackpool will apparently be signing Southampton winger Jason Puncheon, currently on loan at Millwall, for £200,000.
Liverpool have signed Jason Banton from Blackburn, he says. Others say he's on trial at Anfield. Yet more Rovers news: 'Blackburn boss Steve Kean has won the race for Birmingham winger Sebastian Larsson - but is willing to wait until summer to clinch the deal.' Course he is, Alan!
Burnley are still after Bournemouth boss Eddie Howe and are offering a cool £500,000 plus bonuses! And lastly there was a google link under 'Alan Nixon' which says 'My porn pal - hide my ass!' but I didn't click that as I'm at work.