Diary of a squad player, part 7

Wounded in action

Monday, 6 December
Late for training so stayed on a bit to practice free kicks. Bit pointless really as the boss wasn't looking so I won't get credit for it.
Went town in the afternoon and bought some ace new trainers. Had fish fingers, chips and beans for tea, then a quick wank before bed. Only a quick one - mood wasn't right for 'the special'.

Tuesday, 7 December
Went out with Ribbsy and his bird so I could run the rule over her mate, who had been brought along for my approval.
Met in town at some gaff for dinner - she was alright but loud. Not just talking, her breathing, her shoes when she walked to the bog, everything.
Really weird laugh too, like at the beginning of that Wipeout song. Didn't matter how funny something was, that was her reaction. And she found everything funny - it was exhausting just sitting next to her. I think she's mental. Poked her but she threw up over the side of the bed when I give her the old 'twist'. Had to mop it up with a t-shirt and washing-up liquid. Sent her to clean her teeth before we finished off.

Wednesday, 8 December
Bought that X-Box kinnect thing. It's good but if anyone's watching you must look like a right nob waggling a pretend steering wheel at the telly.
Day off tomorrow so watched snidey Arsenal in the pub with Mucker, Davo and Rog. Davo's obsessed with sambuca - he had us on it all night. The barman lines them up and sets fire to them - Rog only burns his fringe! He looks like that bloke out of Slade.
Mucker almost lost it when he spilt some down his new Evisu jeans. Gutted for him, horrible when a pair of pulling kecks takes a bullet like that. So now he's looking for some new ones - Davo suggested Uniqlo. I thought there was going to be a fight! No need for that sort of talk, not when a man is hurting.

Previously:
Part 6
Part 5
Part 4
Part 3 
Part 2
Part 1

The crud list

Five pounds please

Because not everything's ace. These things are crud:

Stubbing your toe
EastEnders
Oasis (since 1995)
Watching football on 'the Norwegian'
Watching football on the snide internet sites
That awful Miranda programme
Wet cuffs
Wet socks
Riding your bike in the pissing rain
Secret fucking Santa at work
Trying to find out my fucking birthday at work
Other people's fucking birthdays at work
Leaving cards
Christmas cards
Birthday cards
Get well soon cards
Sorry you've got aids cards
Works chrimbo dos
Sitting next to your boss at the works fucking chrimbo do
Low sugar jam
Piccalilly
Pubs charging over four quid - FOUR QUID - for a pint and putting that little tray down with the change in: They're saying 'I don't even want to touch you but give me your money'
Self-service tills
Warm toilet seats
Ross Noble - get to the point, fatty
The Champions League
The Premier League
People not coming to work because it's snowing. A bit
Umbrellas
All foreign language films
People who do all the flicks on nerd togger - just fuck off
The smooth-chops one off Peep Show
X-Factor
Adidas Forest Hills
Most of Adidas' recent trainer output
Paul Smith - abysmal quality
See also Lacoste, in all but the polo shirts
The fella who hates me in the post office - you fat prick
Those fuckers on Question Time who don't ask questions but make statements aimed at getting applause
Their expression as they sit back to the sound of said applause
Those UKIP bellends
Those coalition bellends
Teams taking 20 minutes for half time
Goalies hanging on to the ball for over six seconds - I'M COUNTING
Extra time in night games
In winter
Then penalties
Going out on same
Papers putting rugby and cricket before football in the sport bit
Reporters who take football, and especially the England team, so seriously
Zane Lowe - relax, you squinting spastic, it's pop music,
Alan FUCKING Green
Phil Thompson saying '...and everything' on Sky's Saturday goals thing. And what, Phil? And what!
Meetings
Pre-meeting meetings
Post-meeting meetings
Tripping over
Drivers who think a red light means 'speed up now'
Bus drivers
'Can I get'
'I'm good'
People leaving one biscuit in the pack/tin
People who take the last of the milk and put the bottle back in the fridge
People who don't wash their hands after going the toilet
People
Corrie at the mo - honestly, John Stape? No one fucking cares
G2 in that horrible smugfest The Guardian
Cheap socks
Britain's Got Talent
People not giving 'the wave' when I let them through in me car
People not giving 'the wave' when I let them through on me bike
'South Park smiles' at work
Being post shower but pre clobber in winter
The boiler breaking
Orange's phone signal
People bleating about the snow
Alan Titchmarsh
That nob who does the interviews on Sky Sports News, can't remember his name but he's dead tall and clearly no one likes him
Own brand beans
Under-done toast
Under-done chips
Deep-pan pizza
People moaning about Tube strikes - walk, lazyarse.
People who aren't in a trade union
People who used to be in a union but aren't now
The red and brown sauce they use in cafes
Easter eggs
The squeak at Goodison from the corner when a poorly-supported visiting team score
Getting to White Hart Lane
Getting away from White Hart Lane
Anyone wearing any of this lot - scarf, flip flops, three-quarter length kecks, sandals, sunglasses - in the pub
People not offering one of the recognised forms of thanks for a door hold

I hold these truths to be self evident. What about you?

Yes, yes, yes, NO

It's Gore-Tex - you know about Gore-Tex?

I was awoken this morn by the sound of rain thrashing my bedroom window, and the usual demands of an angry morning bladder. But it was the rain that filled me with joy - a chance to wear my ace Adidas Tokio Hi shoes. I got these a few months ago off ebay (I don't think they're in the shops any more).

They're a solid, smart piece of kit - really comfortable and, thanks to the goretex uppers, totally waterproof - with just a hint of Back to the Future. There's even a webbed bit at the top of the tongue to keep water from sneaking in at the top of the laces. So it's all good. Except. Ex-cept the soles - they slip in the wet.

This seems a monumental error in a pair of shoes whose main selling point is keeping water at bay. I've nearly gone on my arse both times I've worn these and that is not a good look for a man of my years, and girth. Hopefully the sole will wear down a bit in time, but even so, it's a fair balls up for something that had an RRP of over £100. And I have still to traverse the journey home.

The offending sole