Kopites thrashing in a river of shit

The horror!

It's rare the whole country gets behind something but I'll wager Liverpool's current travails in shitsville are uniting the nation in a way normally reserved for a good old paedo hunt.
Let's have it right, kopites - you've had this coming for years. My lot - Everton - are no better but it doesn't make the shitness of Liverpool any less enjoyable because of the way the 'faithful' are responding to it.
The absolute disbelief and feeling of it being just massively unfair - we had this years ago. Everton were one of the prime movers behind the formation of the Premier League and in terms of timing, their descent from 'big five' (ask your dads, kiddywinks) status to relegation battles and all round crudness, couldnt have been worse. But at the time football coverage was sparser, although growing, so in terms of supporter buffoonery, it was less of a public spectacle. Although there were a few ace phone-ins on Radio Merseyside about what was to be done about Everton, with one woman demanding the players be physically beaten to learn them.
Back then - say, early to mid 1990s - it was still a novelty to see supporters in the ground long after the final whistle, staring in desolation at a pitch long since deserted except for ground staff forking idly at the turf. Now it's compulsory - because people JUST CARE SO MUCH! You can tell they have more of an understanding of football than the rest of us by the way they refer to 'Liverpool Football Club' rather than just Liverpool, which helps us in case we're confused and think they're talking about the chamber of commerce, architecture or shops.
Then of course there's supporters' message boards and radio phone ins but there you generally find it's the proper cranks making the most noise, so as a barometer of supporter opinion they're worthless.
When papers report what's going on in these outlets as being in any way representative of what supporters think, they're way off. While these sites and shows have grown massively in popularity it's still a minority that use them. There's a good story on a similar theme at the excellent Mudhutter website - and they're Wigan supporters so if you kopites or whoever think you know shit they can probably put you right.
Much of the ho-ha about Liverpool seems to be around Roy Hodgson not being up to, or 'big enough for', the job. That's a matter of debate but his record bears scrutiny, and as for the suggestion he's only done well at smaller clubs, would it be naughty of me to suggest he's now at a mid-table club who need a manager who can work on a budget?
Because if reports of the new owners at Anfield are even slightly accurate, and John Henry is a keen advocate of Billy Beane's methods in baseball with the Oakland Athletics, then Liverpool's 'resurrection', if it comes, will be slow and under fairly rigid budget restraints (wot, no Aquilanis?).
All of which means more kopites whining and, hopefully, a lot more of this.

Hats off to... BBC 5 Live football

'And here's the team news from Anfield...'

There are some things the BBC just does better than anyone else. Sports commentary is one of them - I have my radio alarm on 5 Live and during their coverage of golf's Open there's something magical in being woken by whispering and a smattering of applause. But today the hat tips for football on Five.
Ignore the phone-ins and the blather that surrounds the matches, it's the commentary that stands Five out on its own, in a way the horrendous talkSPORT (even their logo has shouting in it) could never grasp. Five commentary is Marks and Sparks extra fancy sarnies and trifle to TalkShite's ham-cob-for-a-nicker from the Esso.
Five have made listening to a match that doesn't involve your own team enjoyable. In fact it's probably better when it isn't your team, such is the conversational manner. There are fairly long periods when they don't mention what's happening on the pitch in any great detail, which can be annoying if you're curious as to how your lot are actually playing.
It's like having people just chatting away in your house - it seems effortless and they've been doing it for years. Top of the lot for me is John Murray - you can hear him smile while he's talking. He has the sort of voice you'd believe if it was telling you everything would be cool even though the oxygen masks have dropped and both wings are on fire.
I'd say one of their worst commentators is actually the chief football correspondent Mike Ingham, who is a great reporter but goes to pieces whenever the ball goes in the box. He starts spluttering in confusion like a minor royal who's been brought the fish when he specifically asked for the chicken and yes Marjorie that's all very well but they shouldn't be working in this country if they can't understand simple instructions. But generally they're all good and the two commentators, one pundit system works really well (wonder if that'll be recession crunched?) And they've got some cracking pundits at the moment. Steve Claridge might occasionally seem like an over excited dog whose owners have left him at home alone all day, but he offers real insight into the game. And he watches the action closely.
Similarly Robbie Savage isn't everyone's cuppa as a player but he really does call it straight. And I like the way when he criticises a player from, say Manchester United or Liverpool, he prefaces it with: 'I was never good enough to play for this cub but...' and then gives them absolute pelters.
Of course there are always exceptions, such as the loathsome Alan Green - seriously chuckles, if you don't like it get another job, your people skills would doubtless be cherished by any number of major companies. And if Five are thinking of binning him off then they could do worse than get Phil Parry from BBC London, who is surely not long for local radio.
Then of course there's what I call the peerless Jimmy Armfield, who adds insight and enthusiasm in a wonderful cup-of-tea-and-a-couple-of-Hobnobs voice. Listening to Armfield is a treat, although my favourite story of his media career didn't come on air. It's the '43 actually' one which, according to an inrterview Armfield gave with FourFourTwo magazine, came during a Ron Atkinson Manchester United press conference, not a spat with then-Sunlan' manager Howard Wilkinson as is usually reported.
 'Ron was miffed about something and said to the press pack: "What do you know about the game, what have you all done?"
'I said: "Between us we've won 43 caps, made over 600 appearances and played in two World Cups."
He just smiled and said: "Touche".'

Three radio commentating greats (football):
Bryon Butler
Clive Tyldesley (Radio City, late 70s to mid 80s - he was brilliant)
Peter Jones

Some ace things about Danny Baker, who's currently poorly

The master

No one ever says 'oh, he's alright,' about him
He apparently paid for his house in cash
Baker and Kelly upfront (and all versions thereof, including book and Times columns)
Morning edition
Joanne
He brings his own records in
He brings his own sound effects in
When he's off no one can really do the show justice
Referring to - say - a chicken pie as 'a fine CP'
Kicking off with that British Rail bloke
Urging supporters to give that ref down the banks after a Chelsea cup tie
'Let the children have their music'
On toilets at football grounds - 'can't you hold it in?'
'Get me my old producer'
Getting Dan Castellanetta on the old Radio 1 show and no sod calling in!
When he had Nick Mason on BBC London, getting every caller to say 'thanks, man'
Match of the 80s
The original 6-0-6 - hang your heads in shame, Mellor, Littlejohn, 'Spoony', Green et al
Before the Iran USA World Cup 98 game (which he was attending) saying he was going to sit 'with the maddest of their mullahs wearing a huge stars and stripes hat' just to see what happened
His radio shows are miles better than anything you can get on telly, including in football terms, actual matches
My mrs (who's from not far from him) can't understand a word he says

Effing genius