Everton v Manchester United REPORT!

Takeaway

Manchester United bounced RIGHT fucking back from last Sunday's humiliation at the golden hands of Manchester City by dispatching Everton with minimum fuss.
Everton had a go at it for about 15 minutes and went close, then United scored and Goodison deflated and sagged like Nigella Lawson after her 'best' girdle splits. Does that work? I'm not sure it does.
Anyway half time came and people didn't even bother discussing the match because no one really cares any more, I mean what's the point?
This happened to Everton against United even when we had a half decent team, but now? We've now sold all our best players - Fellaini? Oh fuck off - and signed the Argentinian Ashley Ward as back up for two perma-injured layabouts and a Greek lad who looks slightly embarrassed to be there.
Be honest, have you ever seen anyone look so awkward as Aspostolos Velios after his two goals, which I think make him joint top scorer for the Blues. Fucking two.
There was a - ACTUALLY THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN AS UNITED WERE HAPPY TO LET EVERTON HAVE THE BALL BUT IF THEY'D SCORED A SECOND I THINK IT WOULD HAVE - brief rally at the start of the second half, from the players and the stands, until United popped in the second on the hour, leaving the Goodison support with a stark choice - early dart or stay to boo?
It'll probably stay 2-0 because, if we're honest, it's a result which suits us all - points for them, and at least we didn't get fucked by a team that, horror of horrors, spends money. Ooh, the rotters.
Everton: Howard, Hibbert, Jerjelka, Distain, Baines, Coleman, Osman, Fellaini, Rodwell, Cahill, Saha. He'll have Coleman on the right, Osman on the left and the other three fannying around in the middle with Saha looking like a fella starved of attention 30 yards further up the pitch.
Okay, so Cahill was injured but the Russian came and showed us all what a superb piece of business he was. I've never seen anyone so adept at making sure there was an opposition player between him and the ball at all times.
Also does Fellaini ever pass it forward? You too, Rodwell. Either/or with those two I think.

Everton v Manchester United - PREVIEW!

No chance

Manchester United will bounce RIGHT fucking back from last Sunday's humiliation at the golden hands of Manchester City by dispatching Everton with minimum fuss.
Everton will have a go at it for about 15 minutes, maybe even go close, then United will score one and Goodison will deflate and sag like Nigella Lawson after her 'best' girdle splits. Does that work? I'm not sure it does.
Anyway half time will come and people won't even bother discussing the match because no one really cares any more, I mean what's the point?
This happened to Everton against United even when we had a half decent team, but now? We've now sold all our best players - Fellaini? Oh fuck off - and signed the Argentinian Ashley Ward as back up for two perma-injured layabouts and a Greek lad who looks slightly embarrassed to be there.
Be honest, have you ever seen anyone look so awkward as Aspostolos Velios after his two goals, which I think make him joint top scorer for the Blues. Fucking two.
There'll be a brief rally at the start of the second half, from the players and the stands, until United pop in the second on the hour, leaving the Goodison support with a stark choice - early dart or stay to boo?
It'll probably stay 2-0 because, if we're honest, it's a result which suits us all - points for them, and at least we didn't get fucked by a team that, horror of horrors, spends money. Ooh, the rotters.
Everton: Howard, Hibbert, Jerjelka, Distain, Baines, Coleman, Osman, Fellaini, Rodwell, Cahill, Saha. He'll have Coleman on the right, Osman on the left and the other three fannying around in the middle with Saha looking like a fella starved of attention 30 yards further up the pitch.

(Not even) the best of the rest

The best

"It's a sign of how far we've come...' is one of new football's most irritating phrases. Kenny 'Kenny' Dalglish said it the other day in reference to drawing at home to a Manchester United XI.
Evertonians said it about us for a bit, but not now.
When we were the 'best of the rest' the underlying fear was, given the lack of dough, what would happen when we fell away. Now we're seeing it.
After the 2009 FA Cup final - this was straight after, in the pub - a pal said it would be the high water mark, and clearly he was right.
But less realistic members of Everton's super hunky support reckoned with just a few tweaks we could still do something.
Those tweaks were generally regarded as getting shut of Tony Hibbert and Leon Osman, widely regarded as being not quite good enough for the mythical 'next level' - in our case fourth.
Of the two, it's Osman's current standing which is interesting. A midfield which once seemed a little over-fed has now shed its two leading creative types - Steven Pienaar and that RAT Mikel Arteta - to leave Osman as arguably the main schemer.
Osman's a fine player, but has looked a bit lost of late, although it could be argued he's never really been that good in the big games.
Marouane Fellaini can be a brilliant player but he's been really off it this season, and he's clearly leaving, so we appear to be preparing to heap more pressure on Osman.
It's a sign of how far we've fallen that he's the creative mainstay of a team that, until quite recently, looked on the verge of doing something.
In fact you might say Osman has now become 'the best of the rest'. You see, kids. This is how the pros do it.

Last night's nerd togger - a new dawn

My vanquished opponent

Friends, come gather for the future is here. It is bold, it is fearless, it transcends the physical and ethereal worlds. It stands firm, chest out, and defies resistance. All hail my new 3-5-2 nerd togger formation.
There are some issues - Howard is still occasionally awful - but the overall effect is ace.
But the problem of Everton's lumbering attacking moves is no more - where once there was Cahill stood in the middle waiting for Fellaini to amble along, now there are players zooming everywhere. Overlaps, diagonal runs, defenders left flailing - it's all here.
Remember United battering Norwich at Carrow Road in about 92? It's like that.
The line up is: Howard. Back three of (right to left) Heitinga, Jerjelka, Distain. Rodwell and Fellaini in the middle. Arteta on the right with Baines on the left, then Cahill behind Saha (left) and Beckford. The former Leeds man misses as many as he scores (at least) but he is murder to knock off the ball, and he is quick - a novelty for Everton, nerd or real.
The beauty of this formation is you always have bodies in the attacking half, while the three at the back are reasonably solid.
Fellaini and Rodwell are always available for a pass while in possession and also make it difficult for opposition nerd troops to get through the middle.
I've actually tweaked it a touch from the 3-5-2 in the formations list but I can't remember what I did - possibly pushing Cahill a bit further forward. You getting this, ladies?
I've sacrificed some possession - with 4-5-1 I was having all the ball but not scoring - but it's worth it for the increased number of scoring chances. A key point as the nerd Toffees miss an awful lot.
Possible the best thing is Baines - playing this far forward he can get some ace crosses in. He's also quick enough to get back and defend.
Arteta is still a problem and he's there mainly for free kicks, but Heitinga is just behind when the nerd Spaniard is shrugged aside by some nameless Spurs oik.
Does this formation really work? Put it this way, against nerd Liverpool I now expect to win, whereas before I had half a chance. I think I've lost once against them since playing this way. It works against most teams but Chelsea are trickier, I often revert to 4-3-1-2 for them.
In the last few days - yes, this is a scientific study - I have stuffed Liverpool (several times), Bayern Munich, Roma, Lazio, Marseille, PSG, Spurs, Villa, Arsenal, City and more. All with 3-5-2 for at least a third of the game - a good nerder knows one must occasionally tweak to counter events in play.
So there it is my fellow tough guys who have no trouble talking to girls - this is my gift to you. Cherish it, tweak it, enjoy it. To the nerdmobile!

The Cartoon Museum, dodgy dealings, and more!

If

The Guardian might be a load of old shite these days with its simpering bullshit columns - oh, the schools in Lar-de-dar Lane in Hampstead are just awful and my poor little kids (who are all called fucking Jack, Henry, or Jacasta) can't get soya milk on their porridge - and its ridiculously earnest football reporters and page after page of Zoe fucking Williams and Marina Hyde, but Steve Bell remains brilliant.
I went the Cartoon Museum on Saturday to see the Bell Epoque, which is on until 24 July.
It's nice to see work like that up close, and big. There's classic Ifs (right), those big ones he does, and some old stuff (including an appalling one based on himself - I think - when he was a teacher) with explanations and notes.
There's a sign up saying for copyright reasons you can't take pictures of individual exhibits but you can of the place in general. I don't think legally they can stop you taking the pictures, displaying them seems to be the problem. Well stuff 'em. If they want to over-react then I'll listen.
Also on display is the rejection note The Guardian sent Bell in 1978 and some sketch pads and that. Chuck in some Viz, Beano and Dandy stuff upstairs and you're laughing for £5.50

Woof!

After going there I stepped inside to shelter from the rain and take nourishment, and noticed these two blighters up to no good (possibly). The chap on the left is sheltered in a doorway, the fellow talking to him sports what appears to be a waterproof coat, but what of the poor pooch? He's drenched!
I then returned home where, the very next day, I saw one of those Boris Bikes outside Lewisham Library - stitch that, The Man. And later that night I took a 7(seven)-0 cuffing as nerd Everton versus nerd Manchester United. I pulled the plug in the last second. You know, for spite.
The Cartoon Museum is at 35 Little Russell Street, London WC1A 2HH
http://www.cartoonmuseum.org/

Up yours, Boris

Last night's nerd togger - bastard bollocks crap

The nerd council

Don't lose thy cool - the first rule of nerding. I smashed it to smithereens last night as I swore and snarled my way through four straight defeats.

After a run of one loss in seven I moved up a level, only to lose the next four. 

Clearly I reached the top of my nerd bounce and am now condemned to bump along at the bottom of the stinking cesspit that is online nerding. O! Take me back level 21! But alas, it doesn't work that way. It's like the Mafia, we all know when we join that the only way out is death.

They were all close games, and all as Everton, but then the unbeaten run were all close too. 

By the end of the last one I was a croaking, teary, sweary shambles. Yelping and gesticulating pathetically at the screen as Arteta got brushed off the ball yet again. He's only in there for the free kicks, at which he's ace. The rest - ABJECT SHIT.

I've tweaked my nerd Everton to read thus (4-5-1): Howard, who is awful, then in defence (from right) Neville, Jerjelka, Distain, Baines. Midfield: Arteta, Fellaini, Rodwell, Guaye (or Coleman), then Cahill just behind Saha. This can switch to 4-3-1-2 with Beckford up front and Guaye dropping out, with Cahill behind the front two. Ye gods, even in nerd-chat that is a nerdy thing to write.

Anyway after narrowly losing to Manchester United, Manchester City and Chelsea I was up against nerd Liverpool, who I pulverised. But nerd Everton's lack of firepower, combined with Howard's unerring ability to let shots go straight through him, meant a 1-0 defeat, courtesy of a 90th-minute spawner from one of those anonymous little shits they stuff their wretched team with. 

Seconds later Mrs Biff Mercifully came home from work, so I pulled the plug - no stats for you, nerd Liverpool! You too Dalglish, you wanker. I know you're reading this.

Mega-sarnie at Polpo

Oink oink, my good man!

If you're anything like me - you lucky swine - you'll be constantly on the lookout for ace sandwiches. I had one last Saturday which could only improve by being the size of a small cow, or half a normal size cow. Or a standard-size toilet lid.
The venue was Polpo on Beak Street in London's fashionable London. I was in there early - as one must to get a table easily as you can't book - before heading off to Bradley's Spanish bar to watch Barcelona hand Manchester United their collective arse.
Mrs Biff was in full effect, thrilled at the prospect of an evening watching football in a sweaty pub. We got a few dishes, but eating at 6pm really should be left to the over 70 crowd. It's better to go later, have a drink at the bar and wait for a table to come up. 
Because we were scoffing so early not much really hit home, except the 'cured pork shoulder & peperonata panino' (I think that's foreign for panini, which is in turn foreign for 'expensive bread for idiots'). 
Not cheap at £5.50 but this thing was sensational, stuffed with meat, moist, juicy peppers and some kind of mayonnaise and oil or something. There may have been cheese in there - I was in such a frenzy I can't remember. 
The bread was toasted just right too and there was no spillage at all when eating. The sandwich artisan behind this beast is truly a master of the craft.
I could see the woman next to us eyeing it up - coveting, possibly plotting a theft. I'd have smacked her in the eye if she even hovered too close. And I'd do the same to any of you. The only downside was I had to let Mrs Biff have half. I was gutted about that and resented her for the next hour because of it. 
Polpo is at 41 Beak Street, London W1F 9SB. 

Last night's nerd togger - back in the saddle

A picture from Brighton

After an absence of two months from the online nerding arena I have returned. I was drunk and signed up again and within minutes remembered why I binned it off. The bad connections, the piss-taking of opponents, the replay watchers, the smart-arses, the endless stuffings. By gar I missed it!

First up nerd Everton took on nerd Villa and I bashed this prick's brains in - ol' skool! Three Cahill headers cancelling out an Ashley Young opener.

Rematch? Don't mind if I do. So he went Man City and I went Atletico Madrid and again I was all over him, but tellingly, couldn't put the nerd ball in the nerd net. Whereas everything my foe hit turned to goals. A 5-0 reverse. 

On to the decider and, even now, I don't know where this came from - I didn't think I could do it, never saw myself as a meddler in the black arts - but he went Real Madrid, and I thought 'fuck it' and went Manchester United. Anathema to me. I detest everything about them, even in nerd form. They're no Liverpool, but even so.

I can only put this calming of my ire down to occasional retweets I've read by that human representation of stone cladding, Wayne Rooney, where he comes across as irritatingly alright. You can follow the life of a plain talking millionaire farm hand on the popular social network site, his 'handle' is: @I'mastupidmoronwithanuglyfaceandbigbuttandmybuttsmellsandIliketokissmyownbutt.

And it has to be said, nerd United have just the right blend of speed, skill and massiveness to make them pretty good. Goals from Giggs and Hernandez put me in control and despite a late one from Ronaldo or someone there was never any danger. 

But the victory was tainted, sure it all counts in the nerd annals, but for me this was a stretch too far and a reminder that victory is not all. 

Bent

Feel the hyperbole

Was anyone else slightly - maybe 5% - surprised Birmingham's winner was given in yesterday's Co-Op final?

There's something strange when the underdog wins these days. As REM put it, Leonard Bernstein. Or if you prefer, there's something going on that's not quite right.

This goes back to a theory I've long held, that officials are subconsciously (mostly) favouring certain teams.

The equation works thus: massive hyperbole surrounding football means everyone expects a certain outcome - why would officials be exempt from this? 

Add the natural human desire to want to make people happy and it's understandable that officials lean towards certain teams. Chuck in a home crowd and the effect, and with it the pressure on the officials, is magnified.

Because we're repeatedly told these teams will win, and lets have it right here it's Manchester United mainly, there's a certain feeling of the natural order when they do win. It feels right. When the powerful clubs are upset it feels wrong. As if someone somewhere has left the iron on. 

Another development caused by the media saturation of football is the creation of a bizarre conservatism in supporters. Where once we were punk rockers raging against The Man, now we're all 'investment' and shirt-sales-in-Asia.

Be honest, it feels weird that Chelsea are out of the top four currently. Nothing against Spurs, but it just feels wrong. Conversely, Manchester City for Liverpool feels 'right' as we have been told for a while now that nothing can stop City (except FULHAM - ha!). 

A fella I used to know once said of Everton's approaching top-four finish in 2005, 'we know who our Champions League teams are, and they're not one'. 

And certainly Everton's finish that season did provoke an odd amount of 'you'll embarrass the nation' jibes among the internet football community. Going back further, and again with Everton, when they stayed up after beating Wimbledon 3-2 on the final day of the 1993/4 season, Match of the Day had David Baddiel and Frank Skinner on as pundits.

Not Premier League

Skinner said something along the lines of 'it feels wrong if a club like Everton goes down'. And he was right. Remember that Barnsley fan screaming into the Grandstand cameras that the league was fixed so they went down in 1998? I'm not saying it was fixed but I know what he meant.

Coverage since then has blasted out of all proportion - there's an entire industry based around talking about football. It doesn't matter what you say. Just. Keep. Talking. 

So the expectation of certain things becomes greater and the pressure on those to deliver is greater. It's unavoidable that officials are affected.

How else do you explain the bizarre reaction to Wayne Rooney's assault on Wigan's James McCarthy on Saturday (and a couple of weeks ago the handball by Paul Sholes against Leeds and Ryan Giggs' foul on Kevin Doyle in the same match)? 

Even the Match of the Day commentator Jonathon Pearce bottled it, murmuring something like 'oh that's not nice'. As if he's scared to criticise and upset one of the cartel.

As of this morning referee Mark Clattenburg has told the FA he dealt with Rooney at the time, presumably by giving him a little cuddle. So that's that.
Bollocks. No way Clattenburg saw it, or if he did it was out of the corner of his eye. Either he saw something and bottled it (quite likely) or he saw nothing but heard the crowd (more likely) and gave, I don't know, something? 

Of the incident itself it's just another example of how football people clearly aren't governed by the same laws, both official and scientific, as the rest of us. That's why they fall over with their feet tucked under their arse and their backs arched, and can offer an excuse of 'self defence' when they get rumbled for smashing their arm into someone's grid.
They even use ridiculous phrases which are seeping into everyday speak: 'simulation', 'gone to ground', 'coming together' etc.

It's understandable Clattenburg didn't book Rooney if he didn't see what happened, but to then claim he dealt with it sufficiently is ridiculous. If that's his stance then he's clearly not up to the job and the FA or Premier League or whoever it is deals with this stuff has to give him the shove, or at least a major bollocking.

Clattenburg seems to be one of those refs who wants to be chums with the famous players, like that penis Graham 'hi Thierry' Poll. 

They see themselves as part of the firm now, as celebrities themselves. Perhaps they feel like they're the players' peers, or at least they're nearly there. And what better way for the bed-wetter at school to get in the hard kids' gang than doing everything they say, giving them their sweets and handing over their toys? That'll earn their respect. 

Alan Nixon says so - the result

Representing a meat market or bullshit? Your choice

Right me hearties, Nixon watch has reached its conclusion. We’ve tracked each of Alan ‘on my life mate’ Nixon’s transfer stories over the last seven weeks. It’s been a wild ride and we’ve seen some crazy things, but mostly I’ll remember the laughter.

This is a mixture of players Nixon has linked with other clubs in a fairly vague way and things he has said will happen. The language of football writing is such that the two tend to merge.

It's a long list so the headlines are: In the seven weeks covered I saw 88 Nixon-penned transfer (players or managers) stories on the Mirror or People websites (I didn't see any elsewhere so there may be a few I've missed). Of these, he got 25 right, 61 wrong and two are pending (apologies if the maths is messed up. I've got a hangover.) 

These are only stories with Nixon's byline on - they don't include any uncredited ones, say the Mirror's Football Spy, so there could be tons I've missed. He got off to a stinking start with only one right in the first two weeks but got stronger towards the end of the window. This may reflect the more concrete nature of Nixon's information at a time when clubs are actually looking to do business. Rather than just making up shite.

A number of players pop up repeatedly – like Blackpool's Charlie Adam - as do a number of the same clubs. Blackburn Rovers are particularly well covered. It’s almost as if Nixon is willing these moves. But why? On an unconnected note does he still have shares in that player agency?

Taking each week’s predictions with a simple right or wrong, here are the results of the man with  the 'inside scoop' - the man the Mirror call their 'transfer gossip specialist':

11/12/10-18/12/10

Blackpool's Charlie Adam to Blackburn Rovers for £3 million – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Bolton to sign Swansea’s Darren Pratley (free in the summer) - PENDING

Diego Maradona to be next Blackburn Rovers manager – WRONG

Alan Shearer to manage Blackburn (joint byline with David Anderson) - WRONG 

Everton's Leighton Baines to Bayern Munich for £10 million – WRONG

Martin Jol or Chris Hughton to West Ham (joint byline with Alan Oliver) - WRONG

19/12/10 - 24/12/10

Daniel Sturridge from Chelsea to Liverpool – WRONG (Bolton on loan)

Jay Bothroyd (Cardiff) to Chelsea – WRONG (still at Cardiff)

Zolton Gera from Fulham to Wolfsburg (joint byline with Dave Kidd) – WRONG (still at Fulham)

Ivan Rakitic (Schalke) to Fulham on a free in the summer – WRONG (signed for Sevilla in January)

Blackpool's Charlie Adam to Blackburn Rovers or Stoke City – STILL WRONG

Blackburn to name Steve Kean as manager - RIGHT

Steve Sidwell (Villa) to West Ham – WRONG (went to Fulham)

Steven Ireland leaving Villa for a loan spell at Celtic – WRONG (went to Newcastle on loan)

Dieumerci Mbokani from Monaco to West Ham – WRONG (on loan at Wolfsburg)

25/12/10 to 31/12/10

Sam Allardyce to be the next Burnley manager (joint byline with David Anderson) – WRONG (Eddie Howe is Clarets boss)

Owen Coyle (Bolton) 'to one of English football`s major powers'. Nixon mentions Liverpool – WRONG (still at Bolton)

Eidur Gudjohnsen (Stoke) wants out, to anywhere -  RIGHT (sort of, on loan at Fulham)

Stephen Ireland and Richard Dunne (Aston Villa) to Celtic (probably loans) – WRONG (Ireland to Newcastle on loan, Dunne still at Villa)

Blackburn's Chris Samba to Aston Villa (WRONG – signed a new contract) 

Wayne Bridge from Manchester City to West Ham (loan or full transfer) – RIGHT (loan)

Demba Ba (Hoffenheim) to West Ham - RIGHT

David Luiz (Benfica) to Chelsea or City for £35m – RIGHT (but for less than that)

Kevin Wilson (Forest) to Celtic (pre contract) – RIGHT

Barcelona's Oriol Romeu to Blackburn or Villa (WRONG – still at Barca)

Sergio Roberto to Chelsea (WRONG, still at Barca ‘B’

Emile Heskey (Villa) to Leicester on loan (WRONG – still at Villa)

Doncaster manager to Nottingham Forest (WRONG, still at Rovers, Billy Davies still at Forest.

Neil Sullivan to be the new Doncaster boss (WRONG – see above)

1/1/11 -7/1/11

Ronaldinho (AC MIlan) to Blackburn Rovers – WRONG (went to Flamengo)

Preston North End's Adam Barton to Liverpool – WRONG (still at Preston)

Malky Mackay (Watford) to boss Burnley if Sam Allardyce turns it down – WRONG (Mackay still at Hornets, Allardyce still eating pizza off his t-shirt while watching his box set of A Fine Romance)

Brad Guzan (Villa) to Hull City on loan - RIGHT

Carlos Vela (Arsenal) to Bolton on loan – WRONG (went to West Brom on loan)

Roque Santa Cruz (Manchester City) to Blackburn on loan - RIGHT

Chris Samba (Blackburn) to Villa for James Collins/cash – WRONG (Samba signed new deal, Collins still at Villa)

Charlie Adam (Blackpool) to Blackburn – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Le Havre midfielder Gueida Fofana to Villa – WRONG (Still at Le Havre)

Spurs full back Kyle Walker to Villa on loan - RIGHT

Steve Sidwell from Villa to West Ham – WRONG (went to Fulham)

Victor Caceres (Libertad) to Sunderland – WRONG (still there)

Birmingham's Seb Larsson to Newcastle – WRONG (still there)

Brann Bergen’s Rodolph Austin to QPR – WRONG (still there)

Rodrigo Moreno (Benfica) to make current loan at Bolton permanent – WRONG (still on loan)

8/1/11 - 14/1/11

David Wheater (Middlesbrough) to Bolton Wanderers – RIGHT

Stephen Pienaar (Everton) to Spurs – RIGHT

Robbie Keane to Everton (part of Pienaar deal) – WRONG (Keane at West Ham on loan)

Avram Grant to become Chelsea's director of football if he gets the boot from West Ham United (PENDING)

Shane Lowry (Aston Villa) is off to Charlton on loan for the rest of the season – WRONG (at Sheff Utd on loan for season)

Sunderland ­midfielder Jordan Henderson and Newcastle full-back Jose Enrique to Manchester United (joint byline with Alan Oliver) – WRONG (neither have left)

Charlie Adam (Blackpool) to Birmingham, Sunderland or Blackburn – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Stephen Warnock and James Collins (both Villa) swap for Chris Samba (Blackburn) – WRONG (all three at same clubs)

Nick Powell to Blackburn or Arsenal – WRONG (still at Crewe)

Southampton winger Jason Puncheon, currently on loan at Millwall, to Blackpool – RIGHT (although it’s a loan not permanent as Nixon said)

Jason Banton to Liverpool from Blackburn – RIGHT

Birmingham winger Sebastian Larsson to Blackburn – WRONG (still at Brum)

Bournemouth boss Eddie Howe to Burnley – RIGHT

15/1/11 - 21/1/11

Charles N’Zogbia (Wigan) off to Liverpool or Sunderland (joint byline with Darren 'kopite' Lewis) – WRONG (still at Wigan)

Ipswich midfielder Grant Leadbitter to Wigan, Wolves or West Brom – WRONG (still at Ipswich)

Michael Owen (Manchester United and Ladbrokes) is to Sunderland – WRONG (Still at Manchester United)

Manchester City's Shaun Wright-Phillips to Bolton – WRONG (still at City)

Benfica's Rodrigo Moreno to Bolton – RIGHT (loan)

El Hadji Diouf leaving Blackburn - doesn't say where - with Birmingham's Seb Larsson replacing him – RIGHT in that Diouf left (Rangers on loan), WRONG on Larsson (still at Brum)

Barnsley's Adam Hammill to Wolves – RIGHT

Everton's James Vaughan to Celtic on loan – WRONG (went to Palace on loan)

Stephen Ireland (Villa) on loan to Newcastle – RIGHT

Blackpool's Charlie Adam to Villa – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Emmanuel Adebayor (Manchester City) to Monaco – WRONG (went to Real Madrid on loan)

David Healy on loan to Rangers from Sunderland – RIGHT (although it’s a permanent move)

Exeter's Ryan Harley to Swansea – RIGHT

22/1/11 to whatever day the transfer window shut

El Hadji Diouf (Blackburn) to West Ham – WRONG (went to Rangers on loan)

Charlie Adam (Blackpool) to Liverpool (joint byline with David Maddock) – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Patrice Evra (Manchester United) to Real Madrid – WRONG (still at United)

Benfica full-back Fabio Coentrao, Jose Enrique (Newcastle) or Celtic’s Emilio Izaguirre to replace Evra (joint byline with Tom Hopkinson) – WRONG (none have moved clubs)

Manchester City’s Emmanuel Adebayor to Monaco for £9m – WRONG (at Real Madrid on loan)

Shaun Wright-Phillips (Manchester City) to Bolton – WRONG (still at City)

Carlos Vela (Arsenal) to Bolton on loan – WRONG (went to West Brom on loan)

Ruben Rochina (Barcelona), Sao Paolo's Ronieli dos Santos, and Mauro Formica (Newell's Old Boys) to Blackburn – RIGHT, WRONG, RIGHT (dos Santos went to Karşıyaka on loan)

West Ham’s Freddie Piquionne to Sunderland - WRONG (still at West Ham)

Obafemi Martins (Rubin Kazan) on loan to Birmingham on loan – RIGHT

Aston Villa's Stephen Ireland to Newcastle - RIGHT

Spurs' Niko Kranjcar to Werder Bremen – WRONG (still at Spurs)

Christian Poulsen (Liverpool) to Monaco – WRONG (still there)

Everton's James Vaughan to Crystal Palace – RIGHT (but on loan, not the £850k Nixon said)

Swindon striker Charlie Austin to Ipswich for £1.2m – WRONG (he went to Burnley)