Same as it ever was

Pfft

It's telling that Leon Osman is David Moyes' most-used player. He is the manager writ large on the pitch - good to a point but can't cut it in the big games.
Osman has never really turned up in the derby - Moyes, only occasionally.
We need change at Everton - everyone can see this - but what's the point of getting some billionaire in to fight for the crumbs that fall of Manchester City's table? That way lies ruin. Everton need a complete overhaul. The way the club approaches everything must change.
Moyes is bulletproof at Everton but this conservatism is holding us back - the idea that if he leaves the whole thing collapses. That's a risk but it's one we need to take. Bill Kenwright, of course, will do nothing as he's in thrall of the manager. As he was the previous one until it was nearly too late.
Here's what won't happen: Kenwright thanks Moyes for his time and gets in, as it was rather eloquently put after Saturday's collapse, 'some foreign bloke'. It's glib but bear with me.
He then says, we've seen the future and it's Athletic Bilbao - the way they press all over the pitch, the way they are all comfortable on the ball, the way they play without fear. This is what we want for Everton.
The club should say that this will take a while and we may be shit for a few years - but then we're pretty shit anyway - but we have absolute faith in this vision. It is the only viable option for Everton.
Evertonians will accept Everton being shit - we're used to it now. But I think we'd all like to see a new young, vibrant Everton. We had a young, vibrant manager but unfortunately he's become stale.
Look at the teams who've wiped the floor with us in Europe over the last few years - the way they all play. Fast, quick passing. And then look at us.
This patchwork squad building model is never going to really cut it - but it's largely the only option open to the manager at present. So we change and have every player at every level of the club playing the right way. Comfortable on the ball and aggressive. The way Bilbao played against United - leaving them looking like a lumbering dinosaur - was exhilarating.
I don't know how we go about this and I have no idea who the manager to do it is, but there should be people at the club constantly working on improving us. If not, why not?
Saturday's routine loss doesn't have to be for nothing if it kick-starts a complete revision at Everton. Of course it won't though, and wouldn't it be just like Everton to go to Old Trafford on Sunday and get shrugged aside ahead of more patronising words from Sir Alex Ferguson?
Nil satis nisi optimum (unless we play Liverpool or in any kind of big game).

Kopites are?

The humanity!

BANG! And so the mask finally slipped to reveal the ugly, twisted, ugly, toothless, pale, ugly, a-bit-like-Darth-Vader-without-his-hat-on face of the Liverpool supporter.
So much has been written about Luis Suarez and the rest of those oiks we shall waste no more time on them here. For it is at the coal face where the really interesting buggers are to be found.
A world of slaveish cultism, banners, badges, meetings, videos and general all-round dingbattery.
And I for one salute them. I'm an Evertonian and I have many (three) chums who support Liverpool, each of whom I would trust with my own nutsack, should the situation demand it.
But it's the collective that I can't be doing with - never could, never will. Such a self-satisfied bunch of blowhards.
For convenience I'd chuck my pals in with this crowd of halfwits but I'd know, deep down, they were okay. Then came Suarez and the whole thing collapsed.
One of my most trusted inner circle (yes, YOU Ben, you potherb) started trotting out the party line. That Patrice Evra had lied/been rude/something and poor innocent Luis was innocent - it's a line that John 'bellend' Aldridge was trotting out on BBC Five Live at the weekend.
Even now, despite the verdict and apologies, there are still some Kopites clinging to the wreckage, with their fingers in their ears, screaming. Snot running down their faces, eyes wild with hate, thrashing against the world (their mums, mainly) at the sheer injustice of it all.
Sky TV, the BBC, Yanks (not those ones, THOSE ONES), Manchester United, the media in general - have all incurred the Kopites' wrath as they bounce around their crusty sock strewn bedrooms writing on the internet (yes, just like this!) about reports and declaring that they have read the reports and understand the reports better than some poxy QC and what the hell are we going to do about it well we'll show them.
All their self-manufactured 'goodwill' (other clubs' supporters probably didn't hate them, just thought they were nobheads) built up over years of flags and scarves and singing shit songs has been destroyed at a stroke.
And now, as the discussion finally moves on from Suarez and Evra, there are still a few, a select, dainty few, still raging, emboldened by the smouldering internet news that one of their top minds has found a video of the ghost handshake which shows Evra's arm wasn't out enough to be engaged.
Remember the episode of the Simpsons where Bart writes 'insert brain here' on the back of Homer's head and he spins round and round and round trying to see it and at first the family laughs but then it becomes awkward? Well this is just like that.
The worst thing that could have happened for normal Liverpool supporters was the agitators believing their press - that they got rid of 'dem Yanks'. No. You didn't. You're not some highly politicized force, you're noisy irritants.
And why do you all have to call it 'Libboobuborrblub' when you're clogging up the airwaves with your self righteousness and appalling clothes? We know what Liverpool refers to in this instance. No one's watching wondering what all this has to do with Liverpool chamber of commerce, or 'synagogue'.
Take this bundle of joy. He goes by the handle Skrtel Power and he's clearly vexed about Manchester United and Evra. Ooh he's vexed. As is his right as a consumer (who watches the games on the telly). But look at his room - there are pictures of footballers on it. This is a man of voting age.

This is the new, 'empowered' supporter. It's not exclusive to Liverpool but they do seem to attract them. A few years ago, Evertonians used to think of the Kopite collective as balloons but, like cockroaches and spiders in one's house, you could share the space as our worlds needn't clash.
That's changed now because some of them - and it seems like a fair number - think they're some kind of 'force for good'. Their protest marches against Tom Hicks and George Gillette - and I'm not knocking anyone who can be arsed doing something like that - will become the Kopite equivalent of the Sex Pistols at the Screen on the Green.
But the truth of it is, as a group: You take yourselves ridiculously seriously, you should shut the fuck up, and you wear bad training shoes.
That said, the world can look forward to seeing what the Kop banner random word generator throws up in support of Kenny Dalglish and ratboy Suarez. 'At the end of a storm there's a golden sky' was one being suggested on the Red and White Kop gentlemen's discussion forum. It's good because, apart form anything else, there isn't, even.

This load of old tosh was first published on http://www.sabotagetimes.com

Why does the sun go on shining?

Dignified

Let's keep this brief. It is my contention that there is a reason things like Jack Rodwell's sending off keep happening to Everton. And it's down to the way the club portrays itself, as the plucky victim.

Liverpool get a few decisions they don't like and what happens? They demand answers from the very overlords of refereeing, because how dare anyone do anything they don't like?

Whereas Everton have been wringing their hands and apologising for making the place look a mess for so long they expect to get the shitty end of the stick, and are rarely disappointed.

That utter gobshite Graham Poll was interviewed on the official Everton website last week. Here's what he said about the pressure the Goodison crowd puts on the referee: "If a decision goes against Everton early in the match the crowd can really get on your case. 

"I find referees tend to react in one of two ways - they're either slightly influenced by the crowd and Everton get one or two decisions. The other kind probably dig in and think ‘I’ll show you – you can’t put pressure on me’. Nobody would deliberately go against a team, but subliminally you might."

Now how many times have you seen a referee at Goodison - especially against Liverpool or Manchester United - do the latter? I’ll stick my neck out here and say it doesn’t happen very often at Anfield or Old Trafford (to the home team, obviously). 

The only reason I can think of is, it’s not expected to happen, so generally it doesn’t. Opposition teams rarely get penalties at Old Trafford, because it would be 'wrong'.

So how do Everton change things? In the week leading up to a big game David Moyes should be banging on about the need for a strong ref, one who doesn't want to be friends with ‘Stevie’ or ‘Wazza’. He should be pointing out that we've had some appalling decisions in these games – just keep banging on and on and on.

And yes I know there’s something to be said for being stoic and just getting on with it, but we’ve done that and this is what happens. Maybe we should try and play the game, wretched as it is, a bit more. 

Because the records don’t show that convention dictated Liverpool throw the ball back to West Ham in the last minute of the cup final. They show the result after Liverpool - quite rightly - played on, Steven Gerrard equalised and Liverpool went on to win the cup. 

Do we want to be nice or do we want to win?  

Last night's nerd togger - a new dawn

My vanquished opponent

Friends, come gather for the future is here. It is bold, it is fearless, it transcends the physical and ethereal worlds. It stands firm, chest out, and defies resistance. All hail my new 3-5-2 nerd togger formation.
There are some issues - Howard is still occasionally awful - but the overall effect is ace.
But the problem of Everton's lumbering attacking moves is no more - where once there was Cahill stood in the middle waiting for Fellaini to amble along, now there are players zooming everywhere. Overlaps, diagonal runs, defenders left flailing - it's all here.
Remember United battering Norwich at Carrow Road in about 92? It's like that.
The line up is: Howard. Back three of (right to left) Heitinga, Jerjelka, Distain. Rodwell and Fellaini in the middle. Arteta on the right with Baines on the left, then Cahill behind Saha (left) and Beckford. The former Leeds man misses as many as he scores (at least) but he is murder to knock off the ball, and he is quick - a novelty for Everton, nerd or real.
The beauty of this formation is you always have bodies in the attacking half, while the three at the back are reasonably solid.
Fellaini and Rodwell are always available for a pass while in possession and also make it difficult for opposition nerd troops to get through the middle.
I've actually tweaked it a touch from the 3-5-2 in the formations list but I can't remember what I did - possibly pushing Cahill a bit further forward. You getting this, ladies?
I've sacrificed some possession - with 4-5-1 I was having all the ball but not scoring - but it's worth it for the increased number of scoring chances. A key point as the nerd Toffees miss an awful lot.
Possible the best thing is Baines - playing this far forward he can get some ace crosses in. He's also quick enough to get back and defend.
Arteta is still a problem and he's there mainly for free kicks, but Heitinga is just behind when the nerd Spaniard is shrugged aside by some nameless Spurs oik.
Does this formation really work? Put it this way, against nerd Liverpool I now expect to win, whereas before I had half a chance. I think I've lost once against them since playing this way. It works against most teams but Chelsea are trickier, I often revert to 4-3-1-2 for them.
In the last few days - yes, this is a scientific study - I have stuffed Liverpool (several times), Bayern Munich, Roma, Lazio, Marseille, PSG, Spurs, Villa, Arsenal, City and more. All with 3-5-2 for at least a third of the game - a good nerder knows one must occasionally tweak to counter events in play.
So there it is my fellow tough guys who have no trouble talking to girls - this is my gift to you. Cherish it, tweak it, enjoy it. To the nerdmobile!

Last night's nerd togger - well in wankchops.

This isn't from my game - I'm not that pathetic

Those last three words have become my stock message to those who quit early. It happened again last night, and best of all, it was against nerd Liverpool.
You never know which nerd Everton will turn up so it's always a gamble going them, and against some teams I wouldn't bother. But nerd Liverpool, now with that lumping nerd Andy Carroll up front, are hopeless.
A few teams' ratings are a bit off - Liverpool are over-rated at 4.5 stars, same as Manchester City are under-valued at the same level.
Everton are probably worth just under their four stars as they have the capacity to be truly abysmal, with Neville and Heitinga equally horrendous in possession and Arteta useless except for free kicks.
Then there's Howard, who can be brilliant some games but in others the ball seems to go right through him. Your joke here.
All this considered I reckoned I'd be okay as nerd EFC versus their cross-nerd counterparts in red and started off 4-4-2, but the fellow I was playing was half decent so I had to switch to 4-3-1-2 as I was getting nerdily over-run in the middle.
I was still conceding a lot of ground but my opponent lacked the wit to get through, and while he had a lot of possession (75-25 in the first 10 minutes), never got close to scoring.
Gradually he started getting narked and sliding in all over the place and I knew I had him. Five minutes before the break Fellaini shrugged Gerrard off the ball before loping forward and playing in Baines down the left. He cut in and found Cahill, back to goal, who spun his marker before curling one in the top corner.
The second half was more of the same with nerd Liverpool having slightly more of the ball but getting nowhere, and it was nerd Everton looking more dangerous.
As t'reds piled forward in increasingly desperate nerd waves I had a few chances to clinch it. Then with the game moving into injury time, Arteta slipped Beckford in on halfway.
He raced clear with two defenders trying to pull him back. The keeper came legging it out and, from just outside the box, Beckford lifted it over him. The keeper got a touch which sent the ball looping towards the bar, it clipped the underside and plopped over the line, with a defender sliding after it in a futile gesture.
Cue, my opponent pulling the plug, and me sending my new message. You see, Johann Hari, you don't have to make it up.

Last night's nerd togger - bastard bollocks crap

The nerd council

Don't lose thy cool - the first rule of nerding. I smashed it to smithereens last night as I swore and snarled my way through four straight defeats.

After a run of one loss in seven I moved up a level, only to lose the next four. 

Clearly I reached the top of my nerd bounce and am now condemned to bump along at the bottom of the stinking cesspit that is online nerding. O! Take me back level 21! But alas, it doesn't work that way. It's like the Mafia, we all know when we join that the only way out is death.

They were all close games, and all as Everton, but then the unbeaten run were all close too. 

By the end of the last one I was a croaking, teary, sweary shambles. Yelping and gesticulating pathetically at the screen as Arteta got brushed off the ball yet again. He's only in there for the free kicks, at which he's ace. The rest - ABJECT SHIT.

I've tweaked my nerd Everton to read thus (4-5-1): Howard, who is awful, then in defence (from right) Neville, Jerjelka, Distain, Baines. Midfield: Arteta, Fellaini, Rodwell, Guaye (or Coleman), then Cahill just behind Saha. This can switch to 4-3-1-2 with Beckford up front and Guaye dropping out, with Cahill behind the front two. Ye gods, even in nerd-chat that is a nerdy thing to write.

Anyway after narrowly losing to Manchester United, Manchester City and Chelsea I was up against nerd Liverpool, who I pulverised. But nerd Everton's lack of firepower, combined with Howard's unerring ability to let shots go straight through him, meant a 1-0 defeat, courtesy of a 90th-minute spawner from one of those anonymous little shits they stuff their wretched team with. 

Seconds later Mrs Biff Mercifully came home from work, so I pulled the plug - no stats for you, nerd Liverpool! You too Dalglish, you wanker. I know you're reading this.

Last night's nerd togger, la Francais edish

Polite

The problem with going nerd Everton is they aren't quite good enough all over the pitch so, as happened last night, you can be all over someone but still lose. Missed chances combined with shit defending equals Everton 2 - 3 Liverpool after being two up and coasting, and some intense swearing.

Really you can only play a team that's ranked similar or worse than Everton's, fairly generous, current four stars on the Fifa11 rating (out of five).

And so it was that I faced an appalling Paris St Germain 'outfit' last night. This lad was hopeless, not helped by his lumbering team, and I was two up fairly quickly. The first a belter from the edge of the box by Saha, the second a routine Cahill header.

As I suspected he might this cat pulled the plug at half time. I assumed he was French from the team he picked so I sent him the message above, 'vous est tres merde' which is actually 'you is very shit', not as I thought, 'you are very shit.' 

But note the use of the 'vous' form of 'you'. Even in battle we're still gentlemen. I don't know this blighter so he gets the 'vous' form. 

Not polite

To which he replied with this: 'ta mere est une pute', meaning 'your mother is a whore', which aside from accuracy issues (she isn't, she's a part-time lecturer) where does he get off with his 'tu' form? Massively over-familiar and it soured the entire evening. 

Last night's nerd togger - back in the saddle

A picture from Brighton

After an absence of two months from the online nerding arena I have returned. I was drunk and signed up again and within minutes remembered why I binned it off. The bad connections, the piss-taking of opponents, the replay watchers, the smart-arses, the endless stuffings. By gar I missed it!

First up nerd Everton took on nerd Villa and I bashed this prick's brains in - ol' skool! Three Cahill headers cancelling out an Ashley Young opener.

Rematch? Don't mind if I do. So he went Man City and I went Atletico Madrid and again I was all over him, but tellingly, couldn't put the nerd ball in the nerd net. Whereas everything my foe hit turned to goals. A 5-0 reverse. 

On to the decider and, even now, I don't know where this came from - I didn't think I could do it, never saw myself as a meddler in the black arts - but he went Real Madrid, and I thought 'fuck it' and went Manchester United. Anathema to me. I detest everything about them, even in nerd form. They're no Liverpool, but even so.

I can only put this calming of my ire down to occasional retweets I've read by that human representation of stone cladding, Wayne Rooney, where he comes across as irritatingly alright. You can follow the life of a plain talking millionaire farm hand on the popular social network site, his 'handle' is: @I'mastupidmoronwithanuglyfaceandbigbuttandmybuttsmellsandIliketokissmyownbutt.

And it has to be said, nerd United have just the right blend of speed, skill and massiveness to make them pretty good. Goals from Giggs and Hernandez put me in control and despite a late one from Ronaldo or someone there was never any danger. 

But the victory was tainted, sure it all counts in the nerd annals, but for me this was a stretch too far and a reminder that victory is not all. 

Something's gone wrong again - nerd wars

Up for t'cup

Wembley! 

I've not done many Ev-related posts on here, which you may have seen was in the Guardian's top 20 most influential blogs the other week (at number 9,000,006). But stuff it, here's one.
One of the surprises of Saturday's FA Cup win at Chelsea, aside from me shouting 'FUCKING YES!' in the bar at London's swanky Ivy restaurant when Leighton Baines equalised (a diary error prevented me from attending both, and grub's always going to win out over football these days), is the lack of noise from Everton's notoriously media-shy owner Bill Kenwright.
I might have missed it but I haven't seen anything of him, which is unusual following a notable Everton win. Perhaps he's just mindful that, to many, the overall Everton curve is still trundling down.
Unless there's dough to spend, even a cup final win probably won't be enough to keep David Moyes at Goodison now - if anything it would strengthen his hand with future employers. All very depressing.
Anyway the point of all this? We'll fuck up against Reading just as we're all getting carried away. And you know why? Because that's what we do. So here in no particular order are five memorable fuck ups in a little feature I like to call:

Five-we-did-the-hard-part-then-ballsed-it-up-next-round Everton defeats of recent vintage


1: Lost 2-1 v West Ham United (FA Cup 6 round, 11/3/91)
This of course coming after we beat Liverpool 1-0 (Dave Watson) in the second replay. The first replay was the 4-4 at Goodison - a game remembered as the one where I foolishly wore a new pair of jeans which hadn't nearly been broken in enough so I spent a fair amount of it whimpering to myself in discomfort.
I think the first game at Anfield was the one where Pat Nevin was denied a clear penalty at the Anfield Road end. It might not have been - do your own checking, lazy-arse.
From memory - I watched this in the Fusilier in Prescot with a lot of angry Evertonians (was it on Sky or maybe the mythical 'Norwegian'?) - we were just shit. Goals from Colin Foster and Stuart Slater (I mean, come on) put West Ham, who I think were in the I Zingari that season, through to a semi against Nottingham fucking Forest who beat them 4-0 before losing the final 2-1 to Spurs.

2: Lost 2-1 v Aston Villa, FA Cup 6 round, 20/2/2000
It wasn't so much that we'd done the hard work before this one - Exeter, Birmingham and Preston were our earlier opponents - as much as what lay ahead that marked this out as a fuck up.
If we'd have got through this we'd have faced either Newcastle, Bolton or pre-Ambramovic (but still a good side) Chelsea in the semis.
I was living in New York at the time and there were a few blues used to go in this bar on Queen's Boulevard (Flynn's, run by two Evertonian brothers) and all the talk was of flying back for the cup final if we got there - really doing it in style: champagne, limos, the whole schmere.
Got beat 2-1 in an appalling performance. Villa beat Bolton in the semi before rolling over against Chelsea.

3: Lost 1-0 v Liverpool, fifth round, 21/2/88
I seem to have blocked this one from my memory but it came after the titanic struggle against the mighty Middlesbrough, where a Tony Mowbray oggy eventually put Everton through against - I dunno, div two? - opposition in the second replay.
Trevor Steven equalised in injury time in extra time in the first replay - the latest goal I can remember us scoring - at Ayresome Park, after the initial 1-1 draw at Goodison. What an oddly-constructed sentence.
Anyway I have no idea what happened but we got beat and Liverpool slithered through to the last eight where they were joined by: Luton, Portsmouth, Manchester City, Watford, Arsenal, Nottingham Forest, Garston Woodcutters, and me and my mum. Liverpool went on to stuff City 4-0 in the quarters, then beat Forest in the semis before playing Wimbledon in the final. Ha!

4: Drew 1-1 (out on pens) v Sunderland, League Cup 5th round, 11/11/98 
Heady days for Evertonians these and I must confess I have no memory of this game either but it's all there on wikipedia so must be true.
After shrugging aside Huddersfield and Middlesbrough an Everton squad boasting John O Kane and Peter Degn in its ranks drew 1-1 with Sunderland before going out on pens.
Sunderland went on to face Luton Town in the quarters before being knocked out by Leicester City 3-2 over two legs (Tony Cottee got all three) in the semis.
The last eight that year was: Sunderland, Luton, Wimbledon, Chelsea,  Leicester, Blackburn, Spurs and Manchester United. Spurs beat Leicester, managed by that jumpity little prick Martin O'Neill I think, 1-0 in the final.

5: Lost 3-2 v Bradford City, FA Cup 4th round, 25/1/97
Fuck me as shit goes this was real base level crud - and it's to Everton's credit that in a time of unmitigated awfulness they could still manage some remarkable performances.
Everton were terrible in a game that saw Andrei Kanchelskis hand in his notice on the pitch. Three goals in 10 minutes for City did the damage, including a Chris Waddle lob from the halfway line.
Gary Speed got one in the 90th minute (Andy O'Brien's oggy was Everton's other) and, typically, Everton made a great chance right at the death as the ball was moved out wide to Duncan Ferguson who, seemingly in slow motion, missed. Or the keeper saved - who the fuck cares? The picture's hopeless here but the commentary is ace (Waddle's goal is 1min 43 sec in - superb stuff).
City went on to a home fifth round tie with Sheffield Wednesday, who beat them 1-0. The teams in the quarters that year were: Chesterfield (who were famously robbed in the semi against Boro), Wrexham, Portsmouth, Chelsea, Sheffield Wednesday, Wimbledon, Derby County and Middlesbrough. Chelsea beat Boro 2-0 in the final.

Still, you can't beat a cup match can you - especially at night.

Alan Nixon says so - the result

Representing a meat market or bullshit? Your choice

Right me hearties, Nixon watch has reached its conclusion. We’ve tracked each of Alan ‘on my life mate’ Nixon’s transfer stories over the last seven weeks. It’s been a wild ride and we’ve seen some crazy things, but mostly I’ll remember the laughter.

This is a mixture of players Nixon has linked with other clubs in a fairly vague way and things he has said will happen. The language of football writing is such that the two tend to merge.

It's a long list so the headlines are: In the seven weeks covered I saw 88 Nixon-penned transfer (players or managers) stories on the Mirror or People websites (I didn't see any elsewhere so there may be a few I've missed). Of these, he got 25 right, 61 wrong and two are pending (apologies if the maths is messed up. I've got a hangover.) 

These are only stories with Nixon's byline on - they don't include any uncredited ones, say the Mirror's Football Spy, so there could be tons I've missed. He got off to a stinking start with only one right in the first two weeks but got stronger towards the end of the window. This may reflect the more concrete nature of Nixon's information at a time when clubs are actually looking to do business. Rather than just making up shite.

A number of players pop up repeatedly – like Blackpool's Charlie Adam - as do a number of the same clubs. Blackburn Rovers are particularly well covered. It’s almost as if Nixon is willing these moves. But why? On an unconnected note does he still have shares in that player agency?

Taking each week’s predictions with a simple right or wrong, here are the results of the man with  the 'inside scoop' - the man the Mirror call their 'transfer gossip specialist':

11/12/10-18/12/10

Blackpool's Charlie Adam to Blackburn Rovers for £3 million – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Bolton to sign Swansea’s Darren Pratley (free in the summer) - PENDING

Diego Maradona to be next Blackburn Rovers manager – WRONG

Alan Shearer to manage Blackburn (joint byline with David Anderson) - WRONG 

Everton's Leighton Baines to Bayern Munich for £10 million – WRONG

Martin Jol or Chris Hughton to West Ham (joint byline with Alan Oliver) - WRONG

19/12/10 - 24/12/10

Daniel Sturridge from Chelsea to Liverpool – WRONG (Bolton on loan)

Jay Bothroyd (Cardiff) to Chelsea – WRONG (still at Cardiff)

Zolton Gera from Fulham to Wolfsburg (joint byline with Dave Kidd) – WRONG (still at Fulham)

Ivan Rakitic (Schalke) to Fulham on a free in the summer – WRONG (signed for Sevilla in January)

Blackpool's Charlie Adam to Blackburn Rovers or Stoke City – STILL WRONG

Blackburn to name Steve Kean as manager - RIGHT

Steve Sidwell (Villa) to West Ham – WRONG (went to Fulham)

Steven Ireland leaving Villa for a loan spell at Celtic – WRONG (went to Newcastle on loan)

Dieumerci Mbokani from Monaco to West Ham – WRONG (on loan at Wolfsburg)

25/12/10 to 31/12/10

Sam Allardyce to be the next Burnley manager (joint byline with David Anderson) – WRONG (Eddie Howe is Clarets boss)

Owen Coyle (Bolton) 'to one of English football`s major powers'. Nixon mentions Liverpool – WRONG (still at Bolton)

Eidur Gudjohnsen (Stoke) wants out, to anywhere -  RIGHT (sort of, on loan at Fulham)

Stephen Ireland and Richard Dunne (Aston Villa) to Celtic (probably loans) – WRONG (Ireland to Newcastle on loan, Dunne still at Villa)

Blackburn's Chris Samba to Aston Villa (WRONG – signed a new contract) 

Wayne Bridge from Manchester City to West Ham (loan or full transfer) – RIGHT (loan)

Demba Ba (Hoffenheim) to West Ham - RIGHT

David Luiz (Benfica) to Chelsea or City for £35m – RIGHT (but for less than that)

Kevin Wilson (Forest) to Celtic (pre contract) – RIGHT

Barcelona's Oriol Romeu to Blackburn or Villa (WRONG – still at Barca)

Sergio Roberto to Chelsea (WRONG, still at Barca ‘B’

Emile Heskey (Villa) to Leicester on loan (WRONG – still at Villa)

Doncaster manager to Nottingham Forest (WRONG, still at Rovers, Billy Davies still at Forest.

Neil Sullivan to be the new Doncaster boss (WRONG – see above)

1/1/11 -7/1/11

Ronaldinho (AC MIlan) to Blackburn Rovers – WRONG (went to Flamengo)

Preston North End's Adam Barton to Liverpool – WRONG (still at Preston)

Malky Mackay (Watford) to boss Burnley if Sam Allardyce turns it down – WRONG (Mackay still at Hornets, Allardyce still eating pizza off his t-shirt while watching his box set of A Fine Romance)

Brad Guzan (Villa) to Hull City on loan - RIGHT

Carlos Vela (Arsenal) to Bolton on loan – WRONG (went to West Brom on loan)

Roque Santa Cruz (Manchester City) to Blackburn on loan - RIGHT

Chris Samba (Blackburn) to Villa for James Collins/cash – WRONG (Samba signed new deal, Collins still at Villa)

Charlie Adam (Blackpool) to Blackburn – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Le Havre midfielder Gueida Fofana to Villa – WRONG (Still at Le Havre)

Spurs full back Kyle Walker to Villa on loan - RIGHT

Steve Sidwell from Villa to West Ham – WRONG (went to Fulham)

Victor Caceres (Libertad) to Sunderland – WRONG (still there)

Birmingham's Seb Larsson to Newcastle – WRONG (still there)

Brann Bergen’s Rodolph Austin to QPR – WRONG (still there)

Rodrigo Moreno (Benfica) to make current loan at Bolton permanent – WRONG (still on loan)

8/1/11 - 14/1/11

David Wheater (Middlesbrough) to Bolton Wanderers – RIGHT

Stephen Pienaar (Everton) to Spurs – RIGHT

Robbie Keane to Everton (part of Pienaar deal) – WRONG (Keane at West Ham on loan)

Avram Grant to become Chelsea's director of football if he gets the boot from West Ham United (PENDING)

Shane Lowry (Aston Villa) is off to Charlton on loan for the rest of the season – WRONG (at Sheff Utd on loan for season)

Sunderland ­midfielder Jordan Henderson and Newcastle full-back Jose Enrique to Manchester United (joint byline with Alan Oliver) – WRONG (neither have left)

Charlie Adam (Blackpool) to Birmingham, Sunderland or Blackburn – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Stephen Warnock and James Collins (both Villa) swap for Chris Samba (Blackburn) – WRONG (all three at same clubs)

Nick Powell to Blackburn or Arsenal – WRONG (still at Crewe)

Southampton winger Jason Puncheon, currently on loan at Millwall, to Blackpool – RIGHT (although it’s a loan not permanent as Nixon said)

Jason Banton to Liverpool from Blackburn – RIGHT

Birmingham winger Sebastian Larsson to Blackburn – WRONG (still at Brum)

Bournemouth boss Eddie Howe to Burnley – RIGHT

15/1/11 - 21/1/11

Charles N’Zogbia (Wigan) off to Liverpool or Sunderland (joint byline with Darren 'kopite' Lewis) – WRONG (still at Wigan)

Ipswich midfielder Grant Leadbitter to Wigan, Wolves or West Brom – WRONG (still at Ipswich)

Michael Owen (Manchester United and Ladbrokes) is to Sunderland – WRONG (Still at Manchester United)

Manchester City's Shaun Wright-Phillips to Bolton – WRONG (still at City)

Benfica's Rodrigo Moreno to Bolton – RIGHT (loan)

El Hadji Diouf leaving Blackburn - doesn't say where - with Birmingham's Seb Larsson replacing him – RIGHT in that Diouf left (Rangers on loan), WRONG on Larsson (still at Brum)

Barnsley's Adam Hammill to Wolves – RIGHT

Everton's James Vaughan to Celtic on loan – WRONG (went to Palace on loan)

Stephen Ireland (Villa) on loan to Newcastle – RIGHT

Blackpool's Charlie Adam to Villa – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Emmanuel Adebayor (Manchester City) to Monaco – WRONG (went to Real Madrid on loan)

David Healy on loan to Rangers from Sunderland – RIGHT (although it’s a permanent move)

Exeter's Ryan Harley to Swansea – RIGHT

22/1/11 to whatever day the transfer window shut

El Hadji Diouf (Blackburn) to West Ham – WRONG (went to Rangers on loan)

Charlie Adam (Blackpool) to Liverpool (joint byline with David Maddock) – WRONG (still at Blackpool)

Patrice Evra (Manchester United) to Real Madrid – WRONG (still at United)

Benfica full-back Fabio Coentrao, Jose Enrique (Newcastle) or Celtic’s Emilio Izaguirre to replace Evra (joint byline with Tom Hopkinson) – WRONG (none have moved clubs)

Manchester City’s Emmanuel Adebayor to Monaco for £9m – WRONG (at Real Madrid on loan)

Shaun Wright-Phillips (Manchester City) to Bolton – WRONG (still at City)

Carlos Vela (Arsenal) to Bolton on loan – WRONG (went to West Brom on loan)

Ruben Rochina (Barcelona), Sao Paolo's Ronieli dos Santos, and Mauro Formica (Newell's Old Boys) to Blackburn – RIGHT, WRONG, RIGHT (dos Santos went to Karşıyaka on loan)

West Ham’s Freddie Piquionne to Sunderland - WRONG (still at West Ham)

Obafemi Martins (Rubin Kazan) on loan to Birmingham on loan – RIGHT

Aston Villa's Stephen Ireland to Newcastle - RIGHT

Spurs' Niko Kranjcar to Werder Bremen – WRONG (still at Spurs)

Christian Poulsen (Liverpool) to Monaco – WRONG (still there)

Everton's James Vaughan to Crystal Palace – RIGHT (but on loan, not the £850k Nixon said)

Swindon striker Charlie Austin to Ipswich for £1.2m – WRONG (he went to Burnley)