Last night's nerd togger - a grim tale

Oh fuck off

I don't know why I ever play as nerd Everton against nerd spawny-horrible-only-got-two-good-players-but-still-always-beat-me Liverpool. But I did last night.
Bad start with wankbag Torres wriggling through before planting one in the top corner - Howard didn't even move. And it was downhill from there - I couldn't get a kick, of anything.
As a sidebar to the main event the actual Liverpool were playing the actual Napoli, so at half time in my game I flicked on to Channel 5 (Was that Stu 'I could crush a grape' Francis doing the commentary?). Anyway the Italians were one up but from the little I saw Liverpool seemed to be getting back into it, once Gerrard was on.
The second half of my game was more of the same with the nerd Reds swarming all over me - my yelps and convulsions on the couch failing to transmit into action on the nerd pitch - and they were soon two up (that bastard Gerrard). While my opponent watched every single fucking replay I flicked 5 on to see the real Gerrard had put Liverpool 2-1 up. L story S, both versions of Liverpool scored again.
Next up was nerd Everton v nerd Newcastle and this time the game was really quick, players and passes zipping all over the place. Tim Cahill put me one up early on and I was battering them. Cue Tim Howard, contrary to my instructions, coming screaming out for a ball he has no chance of getting and it's 1-1 (Andy Carroll).
He does it again, 1-2, then again, 1-3 - three goals in six minutes from that fucking longshanks waltsers worker who looks like he never goes anywhere without his 'bag of cans'. I felt like I'd been on a date with the brute. Then Heitinga heads an own goal for 1-4 and I could contain my rage no more and booted fuck out of one of his players (with the ball barely even on screen) so Heitinga was sent off.
To round it all off this bastard I was playing has his keeper drop the ball in the area and starts doing keepy-ups, so I pulled the plug. No stats for you (we love the stats at the end of the game) if you act like a gobshite.
By now my face was bright red and I was sweating with sheer impotent rage, and my mrs was due home. What's worse - to be caught like this and accused of wanking in the living room or admitting the truth?
Anyway I reasoned there was time for one more so played out a 2-2 draw as nerd City v nerd Spurs. Again the game was running slow - hang on, 'letters home from the soldiers'?! Is that a real record? Oh fuck off - yes, the game was sluggish. I'm wondering if it's my HD cable? Anyway it was pretty even, with me annoyingly equalising twice a minute after my opponent went ahead - HA! Despite myself I went for extra time and pens - penalties on Fifa11 are impossible, especially in shoot-outs. Naturally I dipped out in a blaze of players slipping and smashing it over (lost 1-2 on pens). And mrs Biff was none the wiser!

Last night's nerd togger - have that Fritz!

Twinkletoes 

First up was a 1-1 draw as nerd Everton v nerd Liverpool. Notable for nought except my increasingly excessive, aggressive and, it must be said, inventive swearing as my players seemed to run slower and slower as the game ground on. Not sure if it's just that my opponents are better, having reached the giddy heights of level 14, but their players seem quicker to the ball than my lot, who stand their waiting for it - especially Yakubu. I've put Rodwell at right back to add a bit of zip but to no avail. Next up a defeat to nerd Chelsea as nerd City (City are my alternate team at the mo, or Chelsea). I got absolutely battered and the worse it got the more I'd physically move the controller in the direction I wanted to go, like it's a Nintendo Wii or an errant child on a lead. This was followed by another turn as nerd City and this time it was nerd Bayern Munich in our way. I was getting absolutely walloped so switched to a five man midfield to try and stem the tide and grind out a draw as their tippy tappy twinkletoes gobshites Robben and Frankenstein tried to dance their way through to goal.  The whole game seemed to be played in and around my area then, in the 89th minute, Lescott finds Silva who skips round his marker and makes for the byline leaving nerd defenders trailing. He whips the ball in and there arriving at the near post is Ballotelli who heads home to send the home crowd (me in my undies) wild. I may have dropped to my knees and double v-d the telly at this point.  Bayern, nine shots, eight on target. City, one shot, one on target. I declined the rematch and repaired to bed. Apropos of nowt, but I don't like having my testicles touched. Certainly not in, say, the supermarket, but also during sexual interplay. This may seem an odd thing to add here but is there ever a good time to bring it up? (Incidentally, if you can offer any help as to why the other lot are always quicker than me please do. Nerd togger, not the other thing.)