Last night's nerd togger - righteous!

Attacking

I've held off LNNT since Nerd12 came out but last night's was too ace to keep to myself.
I've found myslef bumping between divs eight and seven.
Was two points off promotion to div six once with three games to go but lost all three and got relegated.
I tend to bounce straight back though and L story S last night found myself needing a point to stay in div seven. My opponent was Santos and they, like that Russian lot Eto'o plays for, are tricky fast little buggers.
I've only been Everton on live nerding up to now so I never play United, Bayern and the like, but these two seem the pick of the teams at Everton's level.
Anyway I went one up double quick thanks to Osman, but they hit back with three quick goals - each one a lesson in idiocy from nerd Tim Howard - to put me 3-1 down with 25 nerd minutes gone.
So I went for it and switched to my legendary 3-1-3-3 formation (above), with Coleman and Baines either side of Jerjelka, a midfield of Fellaini, Drenthe (left), Osman (right), Cahill pushed forward, and Saha, Anichebe and Magaye up front. Late on Bilyaletdinov comes on for Osman or Drenthe, with Cahill going in their position and him centre, because he's ace at long shots.
I'd hardly had a shot before making the switch but from then on I was all over him with Fellaini pulling one back with a crisp low finish from the edge of the box right on half time.
Second half I blitzed the 'mother' with two goals in 10 nerd minutes. First a Saha header from a Baines corner, then Mugaye slithered through to crash home.
By now my opponent was sliding in all over the show - first rule of nerd togger, don't lose your rag - and I was dancing through at will. Cahill picked up a loose ball on the edge of the box, spun his marker and smashed home to make it 5-3 to Captain Cool.

Last night's nerd togger - well in wankchops.

This isn't from my game - I'm not that pathetic

Those last three words have become my stock message to those who quit early. It happened again last night, and best of all, it was against nerd Liverpool.
You never know which nerd Everton will turn up so it's always a gamble going them, and against some teams I wouldn't bother. But nerd Liverpool, now with that lumping nerd Andy Carroll up front, are hopeless.
A few teams' ratings are a bit off - Liverpool are over-rated at 4.5 stars, same as Manchester City are under-valued at the same level.
Everton are probably worth just under their four stars as they have the capacity to be truly abysmal, with Neville and Heitinga equally horrendous in possession and Arteta useless except for free kicks.
Then there's Howard, who can be brilliant some games but in others the ball seems to go right through him. Your joke here.
All this considered I reckoned I'd be okay as nerd EFC versus their cross-nerd counterparts in red and started off 4-4-2, but the fellow I was playing was half decent so I had to switch to 4-3-1-2 as I was getting nerdily over-run in the middle.
I was still conceding a lot of ground but my opponent lacked the wit to get through, and while he had a lot of possession (75-25 in the first 10 minutes), never got close to scoring.
Gradually he started getting narked and sliding in all over the place and I knew I had him. Five minutes before the break Fellaini shrugged Gerrard off the ball before loping forward and playing in Baines down the left. He cut in and found Cahill, back to goal, who spun his marker before curling one in the top corner.
The second half was more of the same with nerd Liverpool having slightly more of the ball but getting nowhere, and it was nerd Everton looking more dangerous.
As t'reds piled forward in increasingly desperate nerd waves I had a few chances to clinch it. Then with the game moving into injury time, Arteta slipped Beckford in on halfway.
He raced clear with two defenders trying to pull him back. The keeper came legging it out and, from just outside the box, Beckford lifted it over him. The keeper got a touch which sent the ball looping towards the bar, it clipped the underside and plopped over the line, with a defender sliding after it in a futile gesture.
Cue, my opponent pulling the plug, and me sending my new message. You see, Johann Hari, you don't have to make it up.

Last night's nerd togger, la Francais edish

Polite

The problem with going nerd Everton is they aren't quite good enough all over the pitch so, as happened last night, you can be all over someone but still lose. Missed chances combined with shit defending equals Everton 2 - 3 Liverpool after being two up and coasting, and some intense swearing.

Really you can only play a team that's ranked similar or worse than Everton's, fairly generous, current four stars on the Fifa11 rating (out of five).

And so it was that I faced an appalling Paris St Germain 'outfit' last night. This lad was hopeless, not helped by his lumbering team, and I was two up fairly quickly. The first a belter from the edge of the box by Saha, the second a routine Cahill header.

As I suspected he might this cat pulled the plug at half time. I assumed he was French from the team he picked so I sent him the message above, 'vous est tres merde' which is actually 'you is very shit', not as I thought, 'you are very shit.' 

But note the use of the 'vous' form of 'you'. Even in battle we're still gentlemen. I don't know this blighter so he gets the 'vous' form. 

Not polite

To which he replied with this: 'ta mere est une pute', meaning 'your mother is a whore', which aside from accuracy issues (she isn't, she's a part-time lecturer) where does he get off with his 'tu' form? Massively over-familiar and it soured the entire evening. 

Last night's nerd togger - back in the saddle

A picture from Brighton

After an absence of two months from the online nerding arena I have returned. I was drunk and signed up again and within minutes remembered why I binned it off. The bad connections, the piss-taking of opponents, the replay watchers, the smart-arses, the endless stuffings. By gar I missed it!

First up nerd Everton took on nerd Villa and I bashed this prick's brains in - ol' skool! Three Cahill headers cancelling out an Ashley Young opener.

Rematch? Don't mind if I do. So he went Man City and I went Atletico Madrid and again I was all over him, but tellingly, couldn't put the nerd ball in the nerd net. Whereas everything my foe hit turned to goals. A 5-0 reverse. 

On to the decider and, even now, I don't know where this came from - I didn't think I could do it, never saw myself as a meddler in the black arts - but he went Real Madrid, and I thought 'fuck it' and went Manchester United. Anathema to me. I detest everything about them, even in nerd form. They're no Liverpool, but even so.

I can only put this calming of my ire down to occasional retweets I've read by that human representation of stone cladding, Wayne Rooney, where he comes across as irritatingly alright. You can follow the life of a plain talking millionaire farm hand on the popular social network site, his 'handle' is: @I'mastupidmoronwithanuglyfaceandbigbuttandmybuttsmellsandIliketokissmyownbutt.

And it has to be said, nerd United have just the right blend of speed, skill and massiveness to make them pretty good. Goals from Giggs and Hernandez put me in control and despite a late one from Ronaldo or someone there was never any danger. 

But the victory was tainted, sure it all counts in the nerd annals, but for me this was a stretch too far and a reminder that victory is not all. 

Something's gone wrong again - nerd wars

Last night's nerd togger - rEVERlation! (Massive nerd content)

Rat

I've cracked it - after ceaseless toiling when Mrs Biff has been at work I've finally sussed the best of way of playing Fifa 11 X-Box as Everton.
But it took a few smashings to get there, including one where I went nerd Ev and this lad, could be a girl as Mrs Biff is always keen to point out, went nerd Liverpool.
Started off pretty even and a close first half was shaded by me as we went in at half time one up. At which point it dawned on me, I'd never heard of any of this lad's team - he was playing his reserves! And he STILL equalised straight after half time, then brought Torres and Gerrard on as if to mock me further.
He eventually went 3-1 up at which point I pulled the plug, which brought an inbound message of 'don't you just love it?!' which I countered with 'have you told your mum?' So one each on the messages.
Anyway, to The Truth. The default set up for Everton is a sort of 4-5-1 with Cahill behind a striker but I have tweaked it thus: Howard in goal, back four from the right, Neville, Jerjelka, Heitinga, Baines. Midfield pair of Fellaini and Cahill, Pienaar the treacherous dog on the left, Arteta on the right, with Yakubu just behind Saha. The switch here is Cahill playing deep and Yakubu playing not quite up front - both these two are murder to get off the ball, which helps in those positions.
The trick is you have to take your time getting forward as it takes Cahill and Arteta a-g-e-s to get up there. But the extra man in the middle makes it difficult for other teams to get through, while there's usually a pass on in the middle from attack or defence, which thus far has led to me getting fouled a lot. This line up also works if you play the Manchester City default formation as well (4-2-3-1).
I beat Bayern, Manchester United and Seville playing like this - all comfortable wins after fairly slow nerd Ev starts. Unfortunately some teams just have better players, like nerd Arsenal, who I was BATTERING 2-1. Then they got one back after half time before I continued playing the ball round them.
Then the lad twigged the long ball and just kept smashing it up and relying on Van Persie being stronger than that SHITHOUSE Heitinga. Howard saved his shot but the ball hit Baines and went in - 2-2. More Everton pressure before another long ball so Heitinga fall over and Fabgregas bundle one in off his snidey little rat-face. Then the game crashed.

Diary of a squad player, part 7

Wounded in action

Monday, 6 December
Late for training so stayed on a bit to practice free kicks. Bit pointless really as the boss wasn't looking so I won't get credit for it.
Went town in the afternoon and bought some ace new trainers. Had fish fingers, chips and beans for tea, then a quick wank before bed. Only a quick one - mood wasn't right for 'the special'.

Tuesday, 7 December
Went out with Ribbsy and his bird so I could run the rule over her mate, who had been brought along for my approval.
Met in town at some gaff for dinner - she was alright but loud. Not just talking, her breathing, her shoes when she walked to the bog, everything.
Really weird laugh too, like at the beginning of that Wipeout song. Didn't matter how funny something was, that was her reaction. And she found everything funny - it was exhausting just sitting next to her. I think she's mental. Poked her but she threw up over the side of the bed when I give her the old 'twist'. Had to mop it up with a t-shirt and washing-up liquid. Sent her to clean her teeth before we finished off.

Wednesday, 8 December
Bought that X-Box kinnect thing. It's good but if anyone's watching you must look like a right nob waggling a pretend steering wheel at the telly.
Day off tomorrow so watched snidey Arsenal in the pub with Mucker, Davo and Rog. Davo's obsessed with sambuca - he had us on it all night. The barman lines them up and sets fire to them - Rog only burns his fringe! He looks like that bloke out of Slade.
Mucker almost lost it when he spilt some down his new Evisu jeans. Gutted for him, horrible when a pair of pulling kecks takes a bullet like that. So now he's looking for some new ones - Davo suggested Uniqlo. I thought there was going to be a fight! No need for that sort of talk, not when a man is hurting.

Previously:
Part 6
Part 5
Part 4
Part 3 
Part 2
Part 1