Up for t'cup

Wembley! 

I've not done many Ev-related posts on here, which you may have seen was in the Guardian's top 20 most influential blogs the other week (at number 9,000,006). But stuff it, here's one.
One of the surprises of Saturday's FA Cup win at Chelsea, aside from me shouting 'FUCKING YES!' in the bar at London's swanky Ivy restaurant when Leighton Baines equalised (a diary error prevented me from attending both, and grub's always going to win out over football these days), is the lack of noise from Everton's notoriously media-shy owner Bill Kenwright.
I might have missed it but I haven't seen anything of him, which is unusual following a notable Everton win. Perhaps he's just mindful that, to many, the overall Everton curve is still trundling down.
Unless there's dough to spend, even a cup final win probably won't be enough to keep David Moyes at Goodison now - if anything it would strengthen his hand with future employers. All very depressing.
Anyway the point of all this? We'll fuck up against Reading just as we're all getting carried away. And you know why? Because that's what we do. So here in no particular order are five memorable fuck ups in a little feature I like to call:

Five-we-did-the-hard-part-then-ballsed-it-up-next-round Everton defeats of recent vintage


1: Lost 2-1 v West Ham United (FA Cup 6 round, 11/3/91)
This of course coming after we beat Liverpool 1-0 (Dave Watson) in the second replay. The first replay was the 4-4 at Goodison - a game remembered as the one where I foolishly wore a new pair of jeans which hadn't nearly been broken in enough so I spent a fair amount of it whimpering to myself in discomfort.
I think the first game at Anfield was the one where Pat Nevin was denied a clear penalty at the Anfield Road end. It might not have been - do your own checking, lazy-arse.
From memory - I watched this in the Fusilier in Prescot with a lot of angry Evertonians (was it on Sky or maybe the mythical 'Norwegian'?) - we were just shit. Goals from Colin Foster and Stuart Slater (I mean, come on) put West Ham, who I think were in the I Zingari that season, through to a semi against Nottingham fucking Forest who beat them 4-0 before losing the final 2-1 to Spurs.

2: Lost 2-1 v Aston Villa, FA Cup 6 round, 20/2/2000
It wasn't so much that we'd done the hard work before this one - Exeter, Birmingham and Preston were our earlier opponents - as much as what lay ahead that marked this out as a fuck up.
If we'd have got through this we'd have faced either Newcastle, Bolton or pre-Ambramovic (but still a good side) Chelsea in the semis.
I was living in New York at the time and there were a few blues used to go in this bar on Queen's Boulevard (Flynn's, run by two Evertonian brothers) and all the talk was of flying back for the cup final if we got there - really doing it in style: champagne, limos, the whole schmere.
Got beat 2-1 in an appalling performance. Villa beat Bolton in the semi before rolling over against Chelsea.

3: Lost 1-0 v Liverpool, fifth round, 21/2/88
I seem to have blocked this one from my memory but it came after the titanic struggle against the mighty Middlesbrough, where a Tony Mowbray oggy eventually put Everton through against - I dunno, div two? - opposition in the second replay.
Trevor Steven equalised in injury time in extra time in the first replay - the latest goal I can remember us scoring - at Ayresome Park, after the initial 1-1 draw at Goodison. What an oddly-constructed sentence.
Anyway I have no idea what happened but we got beat and Liverpool slithered through to the last eight where they were joined by: Luton, Portsmouth, Manchester City, Watford, Arsenal, Nottingham Forest, Garston Woodcutters, and me and my mum. Liverpool went on to stuff City 4-0 in the quarters, then beat Forest in the semis before playing Wimbledon in the final. Ha!

4: Drew 1-1 (out on pens) v Sunderland, League Cup 5th round, 11/11/98 
Heady days for Evertonians these and I must confess I have no memory of this game either but it's all there on wikipedia so must be true.
After shrugging aside Huddersfield and Middlesbrough an Everton squad boasting John O Kane and Peter Degn in its ranks drew 1-1 with Sunderland before going out on pens.
Sunderland went on to face Luton Town in the quarters before being knocked out by Leicester City 3-2 over two legs (Tony Cottee got all three) in the semis.
The last eight that year was: Sunderland, Luton, Wimbledon, Chelsea,  Leicester, Blackburn, Spurs and Manchester United. Spurs beat Leicester, managed by that jumpity little prick Martin O'Neill I think, 1-0 in the final.

5: Lost 3-2 v Bradford City, FA Cup 4th round, 25/1/97
Fuck me as shit goes this was real base level crud - and it's to Everton's credit that in a time of unmitigated awfulness they could still manage some remarkable performances.
Everton were terrible in a game that saw Andrei Kanchelskis hand in his notice on the pitch. Three goals in 10 minutes for City did the damage, including a Chris Waddle lob from the halfway line.
Gary Speed got one in the 90th minute (Andy O'Brien's oggy was Everton's other) and, typically, Everton made a great chance right at the death as the ball was moved out wide to Duncan Ferguson who, seemingly in slow motion, missed. Or the keeper saved - who the fuck cares? The picture's hopeless here but the commentary is ace (Waddle's goal is 1min 43 sec in - superb stuff).
City went on to a home fifth round tie with Sheffield Wednesday, who beat them 1-0. The teams in the quarters that year were: Chesterfield (who were famously robbed in the semi against Boro), Wrexham, Portsmouth, Chelsea, Sheffield Wednesday, Wimbledon, Derby County and Middlesbrough. Chelsea beat Boro 2-0 in the final.

Still, you can't beat a cup match can you - especially at night.

Alan Nixon says so, 22/1/11 to whatever day the transfer window shut

A bus is just one of Blackburn's attractions

Home straight for Alan Nixon says so now, with Sky's mega countdown (they invented the game you know. Oh yes, time was old idiots like Tommy Lawton would just run round aimlessly screaming 'what is this game!?' while smashing their faces against the goalpost. Generation upon generation searching for direction then Sky came and showed us the way) trickling towards its terrible conclusion. Like a post-five-pint wank.
So what certs has Alan Nixon served up via the cast iron medium of the Mirror/People this last week? Behold: 
Statesman-like El Hadji Diouf (Blackburn) is off to West Ham while Charlie Adam (Blackpool) is ready to 'force' a move to Liverpool (joint byline with David Maddock that one). 
Further east Manchester United are braced for Patrice Evra's imminent defection to Real Madrid and have Benfica full-back Fabio Coentrao, Newcastle’s Spanish star Jose Enrique or Celtic’s Honduran wing-back Emilio Izaguirre lined up to replace him. Bet hedging courtesy of Nixon and 1940s tobacconist Tom Hopkinson there. 
United's Manchester chums City will lose Emmanuel Adebayor to Monaco (oops) for £9m while Shaun Wright-Phillips has been seduced by New Bolton's style of football and will stop at nought to sign up to the land of faded blue Ford Escorts and Ennesse trackies. Wanderers are also getting Arsenal striker Carlos Vela on loan.
Just over from Bolton lie the golden plains of Blackburn - where 'tis said - a man can dine mightily off a pound and still have change to entertain a young lady in the manner of a princess. By driving like a maniac and killing her. Topical - that's satire right there.
The town will be lifted to know Rovers' Chris Samba - who Nicko's previously had going all over t'shop - is staying at Ewood now. And joining him will be Ruben Rochina (Barcelona) and Sao Paolo's Ronieli dos Santos. You can see them advertising their new homes now: 'Blackburn - come for the scenery, stay for the pea-wet.' Or is that Wigan? Argentinian star Mauro Formica (Newell's Old Boys - aren't they all dear!) will also be joining them if his visa or something issues are sorted.
Elsewhere Sunlan want Wiissttaaammm's Freddie Piquionne for £3m as Steve Bruce is giving up on Stoke's Ricardo Fuller. West Brom are set to lose out on Obafemi Martins (who was always available cheap on Playstation2 PES and was dead fast but hopeless) who is leaving Russian side Rubin Kazan and going to Birmingham on loan. 
Speaking of shite, Newcastle covet Aston Villa's Stephen Ireland. Werder Bremen fancy Spurs' Niko Kranjcar to the tune of £5m but he wants to stay in the Premier League, ideally with Lipewl, who will offload Christian Poulsen (I thought he was the chairman or something?) to Monaco. Across Stanley Park Everton's James Vaughan went to Crystal Palace, but on loan, not the £850k Nixon said.
And lastly, everyone's favourite home movie director Paul Jewell is ready to bring Swindon striker Charlie Austin to Ipswich for £1.2m.
That's all I've seen fuckos, now put your knickers on and make us a brew. 

Alan Nixon says so... 15/1/11 - 21/1/11

Offski: Michael Owen (right)

Who put the bop in the bop-she-wop-she-wop? Alan Nixon, that's who. And you can bet it had EXCLUSIVE splashed across it.
Only a week to go in the transfer window and Nixon watch is reaching the pitch of a rabid fever as we behold his latest offerings.
From the Mirror/People (again): Wigan want £12m for Charles N’Zogbia. Liverpool and Sunderland are interested (joint byline with Darren 'kopite' Lewis). Also 'Roberto Martinez is lining up a £2m bid for Ipswich midfielder Grant Leadbitter but faces competition from Wolves and West Brom,' apparently.
Michael Owen (Manchester United and Ladbrokes) is off to Sunlan with Nixon spluttering the Wearsiders are 'desperately close to landing the ex-England striker and paying him a relatively cheap £25,000-a-week to come to Wearside'. 
Also splitting the immediate Manchester area is City's Shaun Wright-Phillips, although he's staying in the Greater Manchester area with sexy Bolton, who also want Benfica's Rodrigo Moreno.
Just up t'road, Blackburn apparently want £10m (!) for Chris Samba. I refer them to Junior Soprano's Angie Dickinson line. Also departing Darwen is El Hadji Diouf - doesn't say where - with Birmingham's Seb Larsson, who Nixon says has put in a transfer request, replacing him.
Elsewhere (deep breath) Wolves are getting Barnsley's Adam Hammill, Everton's James Vaughan is going to Celtic on loan, Stephen Ireland (Villa) is going on loan to Newcastle with Blackpool's Charlie Adam replacing him at Villa Park, Emmanuel 'boy toy' Adebayor (Manchester City) is off to Monaco, Rangers are getting David Healy on loan from Sunderland, and Swansea are 'tracking' Exeter's Ryan Harley.

Two Nixon's got right are Steven Pienaar (Everton) to Spurs and David Wheater (Boro) to Bolton

Alan Nixon says so 8/1/11 - 14/1/11

You can hang your hat on this

This week's Alan Nixon round up of players and managers who, his tireless research informs him, are on the move. From the Mirror/People (they seem to put their stuff on the Mirror site): David Wheater (Middlesbrough) to Bolton Wanderers for £2.25m, but Nicko later reckons the fee's a stumbling block. What insight! 
Stephen Pienaar (Everton) is off to Spurs with Robbie Keane coming the other way 'if Spurs pay some of his wages', which must be tempting for them.
Avram Grant to become Chelsea's director of football if he gets the boot from West Ham United.  
Shane Lowry (Aston Villa) is off to Charlton on loan for the rest of the season. Manchester United are planning a 'double raid' on the north east with Sunderland ­midfielder Jordan Henderson and Newcastle full-back Jose Enrique both gagging to join Fergie's band of referee-baiting gobshites (joint byline with Alan Oliver).
Charlie Adam (Blackpool) is the subject of a three-club 'bidding war', with Birmingham, Sunderland and Blackburn the dizzying possibilities for the man with the demob haircut. Blackburn are also after Villa pair Stephen Warnock and James Collins in a swap for 'unsettled Steve Kemba', sorry I just made a player up there, Chris Samba.
Nicko also warns 'Rovers will have to move fast if they want to snap up 16-year-old Crewe teenager Nick Powell, as the England youth striker is also interesting Arsenal'. Make haste, Blackburn! And Blackpool will apparently be signing Southampton winger Jason Puncheon, currently on loan at Millwall, for £200,000.
Liverpool have signed Jason Banton from Blackburn, he says. Others say he's on trial at Anfield. Yet more Rovers news: 'Blackburn boss Steve Kean has won the race for Birmingham winger Sebastian Larsson - but is willing to wait until summer to clinch the deal.' Course he is, Alan!
Burnley are still after Bournemouth boss Eddie Howe and are offering a cool £500,000 plus bonuses! And lastly there was a google link under 'Alan Nixon' which says 'My porn pal - hide my ass!' but I didn't click that as I'm at work.

Everton trundling towards... what?

Hi, I'm Mikel Arteta!

What the crud is wrong with David Moyes? Admittedly a few cold drinks had been enjoyed but I couldn't see why it took so long to hook Louis Saha and the inflato-head-Plug-from-the-Beano Johnny Heitinga. And Cash money Mikel Arteta for that matter, who looks slower and weaker with every game.
Everton started well with Tim Cahill - what the fart are we going to do when he pisses off with Australia for six weeks? - heading in a Leighton Baines cross. Those two, along with Seamus Coleman were probably the only two to really cut it last night - Christ knows why Moyes took Coleman off. But they just seemed to fall further back until Sunderland equalised. After that it could have gone either way but was it really a surprise when Sunderland went ahead? And don't their supporters get excited about the slightest thing? As soon as the ball went in our half they were shrieking like those tracksuited women who camp outside paedo trials (that's court cases, not try-outs for would be nonces).
There's something wrong with Everton this season and it's not the slow start thing, not after 14 games. They look slow generally, like they're playing too soon after having their dinner. Even at Brentford, after a good start, we fell away horribly. The derby performance was excellent and more like the fast pace we're used to, but that was against arguably the worst team Everton have played this season.
We're level on points with West Brom - up next at Goodison - and then it's Chelsea away, and you know what will happen there. Fifty quid in and BEND OVER. This season is in danger of disappearing into nothingness before it's really got started. And it isn't a 'sign of how far we've come' that a top-10 finish (ie 10th) is a disappointment. It's shite. Of course a couple of wins and we're laughing but yet more draws, or defeats, puts an awful lot of pressure on for a good FA Cup run.