Last night's nerd togger - righteous!

Attacking

I've held off LNNT since Nerd12 came out but last night's was too ace to keep to myself.
I've found myslef bumping between divs eight and seven.
Was two points off promotion to div six once with three games to go but lost all three and got relegated.
I tend to bounce straight back though and L story S last night found myself needing a point to stay in div seven. My opponent was Santos and they, like that Russian lot Eto'o plays for, are tricky fast little buggers.
I've only been Everton on live nerding up to now so I never play United, Bayern and the like, but these two seem the pick of the teams at Everton's level.
Anyway I went one up double quick thanks to Osman, but they hit back with three quick goals - each one a lesson in idiocy from nerd Tim Howard - to put me 3-1 down with 25 nerd minutes gone.
So I went for it and switched to my legendary 3-1-3-3 formation (above), with Coleman and Baines either side of Jerjelka, a midfield of Fellaini, Drenthe (left), Osman (right), Cahill pushed forward, and Saha, Anichebe and Magaye up front. Late on Bilyaletdinov comes on for Osman or Drenthe, with Cahill going in their position and him centre, because he's ace at long shots.
I'd hardly had a shot before making the switch but from then on I was all over him with Fellaini pulling one back with a crisp low finish from the edge of the box right on half time.
Second half I blitzed the 'mother' with two goals in 10 nerd minutes. First a Saha header from a Baines corner, then Mugaye slithered through to crash home.
By now my opponent was sliding in all over the show - first rule of nerd togger, don't lose your rag - and I was dancing through at will. Cahill picked up a loose ball on the edge of the box, spun his marker and smashed home to make it 5-3 to Captain Cool.

Thus far and no further

Seriously, just fuck off

Five pounds fucking 50 for a pint of lager! That was the astonishing deal I was bummed with on Saturday eve. I was meeting Mrs Biff for some grub in Shoreditch's trendy 'Shoreditch' and had 20 minutes to kill so nipped for a quick pint.
Found some gaff called the Redchurch Bar on Redchurch street. Looked okay inside, quite dark, lots of deep red furnishings. Gang of girls to the left as I went in, couple of blokes to the right, few people scattered around the back by the bar, to which I headed.
One pint of Sierra Nevada lager ordered and the fella drops the price bombshell on me, prompting the now customary 'how much?!'
He repeated the price and all I could stammer was 'why?'.
And it's a fair question - what possible business has anyone asking £5.50 for a pint? They've not even paused to admire the view from £4 a pint mountain - which is outrageous anyway - they've just hurtled on, busting straight through the previously-theoretical £5 a pint barrier and landed plum 'twixt a flim and six pounds UK.
I bought it like because I didn't want them thinking I was poor or a mingeo, both of which are true.

Fold

The thing with this gaff was, the crowd didn't look particularly well off or even very 'Shoreditch'. And there was at least one student in (I heard him talking about his course) so how can he afford to sup there?
This comes tepid on the heels of being charged £8-odd for a pint of Peroni and a small Baileys at the Hen & Chickens by Highbury Corner - a scandalous amount for two drinks but a bargain compared to the Redchurch deal.
These places are supposed to be - at least nominally - neighbourhood establishments but they're charging the sort of prices people who've visited Scandinavia come back weeping about.
Presumably it's an aggressive move to ensure people like me don't go in places like that. Well that's fine, but eventually more people will start thinking, is this really worth it?
I've lived in London 11 years and I'm braced for the price of most things but if we're seriously saying that a tenner might not be enough to secure two pints then the whole thing's gone to shit. This should be hover-packs-for-all in the future, not here and now.
Anyway the grub at the Hoxton Furnace was dead on - pizzas were v tasty and passed the fold test. Rubbish picture I know. The service was pretty hopeless though. Slow drinks, slow bill, not a huge deal but a bit wearing.

Funster in 'da house'

Then it was off home and a chance to marvel at this idiot's shoes - he was being loud and wacky, even by East London Line standards. I think he was foreign.

Last night's nerd togger - a new dawn

My vanquished opponent

Friends, come gather for the future is here. It is bold, it is fearless, it transcends the physical and ethereal worlds. It stands firm, chest out, and defies resistance. All hail my new 3-5-2 nerd togger formation.
There are some issues - Howard is still occasionally awful - but the overall effect is ace.
But the problem of Everton's lumbering attacking moves is no more - where once there was Cahill stood in the middle waiting for Fellaini to amble along, now there are players zooming everywhere. Overlaps, diagonal runs, defenders left flailing - it's all here.
Remember United battering Norwich at Carrow Road in about 92? It's like that.
The line up is: Howard. Back three of (right to left) Heitinga, Jerjelka, Distain. Rodwell and Fellaini in the middle. Arteta on the right with Baines on the left, then Cahill behind Saha (left) and Beckford. The former Leeds man misses as many as he scores (at least) but he is murder to knock off the ball, and he is quick - a novelty for Everton, nerd or real.
The beauty of this formation is you always have bodies in the attacking half, while the three at the back are reasonably solid.
Fellaini and Rodwell are always available for a pass while in possession and also make it difficult for opposition nerd troops to get through the middle.
I've actually tweaked it a touch from the 3-5-2 in the formations list but I can't remember what I did - possibly pushing Cahill a bit further forward. You getting this, ladies?
I've sacrificed some possession - with 4-5-1 I was having all the ball but not scoring - but it's worth it for the increased number of scoring chances. A key point as the nerd Toffees miss an awful lot.
Possible the best thing is Baines - playing this far forward he can get some ace crosses in. He's also quick enough to get back and defend.
Arteta is still a problem and he's there mainly for free kicks, but Heitinga is just behind when the nerd Spaniard is shrugged aside by some nameless Spurs oik.
Does this formation really work? Put it this way, against nerd Liverpool I now expect to win, whereas before I had half a chance. I think I've lost once against them since playing this way. It works against most teams but Chelsea are trickier, I often revert to 4-3-1-2 for them.
In the last few days - yes, this is a scientific study - I have stuffed Liverpool (several times), Bayern Munich, Roma, Lazio, Marseille, PSG, Spurs, Villa, Arsenal, City and more. All with 3-5-2 for at least a third of the game - a good nerder knows one must occasionally tweak to counter events in play.
So there it is my fellow tough guys who have no trouble talking to girls - this is my gift to you. Cherish it, tweak it, enjoy it. To the nerdmobile!

Last night's nerd togger - well in wankchops.

This isn't from my game - I'm not that pathetic

Those last three words have become my stock message to those who quit early. It happened again last night, and best of all, it was against nerd Liverpool.
You never know which nerd Everton will turn up so it's always a gamble going them, and against some teams I wouldn't bother. But nerd Liverpool, now with that lumping nerd Andy Carroll up front, are hopeless.
A few teams' ratings are a bit off - Liverpool are over-rated at 4.5 stars, same as Manchester City are under-valued at the same level.
Everton are probably worth just under their four stars as they have the capacity to be truly abysmal, with Neville and Heitinga equally horrendous in possession and Arteta useless except for free kicks.
Then there's Howard, who can be brilliant some games but in others the ball seems to go right through him. Your joke here.
All this considered I reckoned I'd be okay as nerd EFC versus their cross-nerd counterparts in red and started off 4-4-2, but the fellow I was playing was half decent so I had to switch to 4-3-1-2 as I was getting nerdily over-run in the middle.
I was still conceding a lot of ground but my opponent lacked the wit to get through, and while he had a lot of possession (75-25 in the first 10 minutes), never got close to scoring.
Gradually he started getting narked and sliding in all over the place and I knew I had him. Five minutes before the break Fellaini shrugged Gerrard off the ball before loping forward and playing in Baines down the left. He cut in and found Cahill, back to goal, who spun his marker before curling one in the top corner.
The second half was more of the same with nerd Liverpool having slightly more of the ball but getting nowhere, and it was nerd Everton looking more dangerous.
As t'reds piled forward in increasingly desperate nerd waves I had a few chances to clinch it. Then with the game moving into injury time, Arteta slipped Beckford in on halfway.
He raced clear with two defenders trying to pull him back. The keeper came legging it out and, from just outside the box, Beckford lifted it over him. The keeper got a touch which sent the ball looping towards the bar, it clipped the underside and plopped over the line, with a defender sliding after it in a futile gesture.
Cue, my opponent pulling the plug, and me sending my new message. You see, Johann Hari, you don't have to make it up.

The Cartoon Museum, dodgy dealings, and more!

If

The Guardian might be a load of old shite these days with its simpering bullshit columns - oh, the schools in Lar-de-dar Lane in Hampstead are just awful and my poor little kids (who are all called fucking Jack, Henry, or Jacasta) can't get soya milk on their porridge - and its ridiculously earnest football reporters and page after page of Zoe fucking Williams and Marina Hyde, but Steve Bell remains brilliant.
I went the Cartoon Museum on Saturday to see the Bell Epoque, which is on until 24 July.
It's nice to see work like that up close, and big. There's classic Ifs (right), those big ones he does, and some old stuff (including an appalling one based on himself - I think - when he was a teacher) with explanations and notes.
There's a sign up saying for copyright reasons you can't take pictures of individual exhibits but you can of the place in general. I don't think legally they can stop you taking the pictures, displaying them seems to be the problem. Well stuff 'em. If they want to over-react then I'll listen.
Also on display is the rejection note The Guardian sent Bell in 1978 and some sketch pads and that. Chuck in some Viz, Beano and Dandy stuff upstairs and you're laughing for £5.50

Woof!

After going there I stepped inside to shelter from the rain and take nourishment, and noticed these two blighters up to no good (possibly). The chap on the left is sheltered in a doorway, the fellow talking to him sports what appears to be a waterproof coat, but what of the poor pooch? He's drenched!
I then returned home where, the very next day, I saw one of those Boris Bikes outside Lewisham Library - stitch that, The Man. And later that night I took a 7(seven)-0 cuffing as nerd Everton versus nerd Manchester United. I pulled the plug in the last second. You know, for spite.
The Cartoon Museum is at 35 Little Russell Street, London WC1A 2HH
http://www.cartoonmuseum.org/

Up yours, Boris

Last night's nerd togger - bastard bollocks crap

The nerd council

Don't lose thy cool - the first rule of nerding. I smashed it to smithereens last night as I swore and snarled my way through four straight defeats.

After a run of one loss in seven I moved up a level, only to lose the next four. 

Clearly I reached the top of my nerd bounce and am now condemned to bump along at the bottom of the stinking cesspit that is online nerding. O! Take me back level 21! But alas, it doesn't work that way. It's like the Mafia, we all know when we join that the only way out is death.

They were all close games, and all as Everton, but then the unbeaten run were all close too. 

By the end of the last one I was a croaking, teary, sweary shambles. Yelping and gesticulating pathetically at the screen as Arteta got brushed off the ball yet again. He's only in there for the free kicks, at which he's ace. The rest - ABJECT SHIT.

I've tweaked my nerd Everton to read thus (4-5-1): Howard, who is awful, then in defence (from right) Neville, Jerjelka, Distain, Baines. Midfield: Arteta, Fellaini, Rodwell, Guaye (or Coleman), then Cahill just behind Saha. This can switch to 4-3-1-2 with Beckford up front and Guaye dropping out, with Cahill behind the front two. Ye gods, even in nerd-chat that is a nerdy thing to write.

Anyway after narrowly losing to Manchester United, Manchester City and Chelsea I was up against nerd Liverpool, who I pulverised. But nerd Everton's lack of firepower, combined with Howard's unerring ability to let shots go straight through him, meant a 1-0 defeat, courtesy of a 90th-minute spawner from one of those anonymous little shits they stuff their wretched team with. 

Seconds later Mrs Biff Mercifully came home from work, so I pulled the plug - no stats for you, nerd Liverpool! You too Dalglish, you wanker. I know you're reading this.

Last night's nerd togger - back in the saddle

A picture from Brighton

After an absence of two months from the online nerding arena I have returned. I was drunk and signed up again and within minutes remembered why I binned it off. The bad connections, the piss-taking of opponents, the replay watchers, the smart-arses, the endless stuffings. By gar I missed it!

First up nerd Everton took on nerd Villa and I bashed this prick's brains in - ol' skool! Three Cahill headers cancelling out an Ashley Young opener.

Rematch? Don't mind if I do. So he went Man City and I went Atletico Madrid and again I was all over him, but tellingly, couldn't put the nerd ball in the nerd net. Whereas everything my foe hit turned to goals. A 5-0 reverse. 

On to the decider and, even now, I don't know where this came from - I didn't think I could do it, never saw myself as a meddler in the black arts - but he went Real Madrid, and I thought 'fuck it' and went Manchester United. Anathema to me. I detest everything about them, even in nerd form. They're no Liverpool, but even so.

I can only put this calming of my ire down to occasional retweets I've read by that human representation of stone cladding, Wayne Rooney, where he comes across as irritatingly alright. You can follow the life of a plain talking millionaire farm hand on the popular social network site, his 'handle' is: @I'mastupidmoronwithanuglyfaceandbigbuttandmybuttsmellsandIliketokissmyownbutt.

And it has to be said, nerd United have just the right blend of speed, skill and massiveness to make them pretty good. Goals from Giggs and Hernandez put me in control and despite a late one from Ronaldo or someone there was never any danger. 

But the victory was tainted, sure it all counts in the nerd annals, but for me this was a stretch too far and a reminder that victory is not all. 

Something's gone wrong again - nerd wars

Last night's nerd togger - chums

Friends

I've started on the 'career' mode of Fifa 11 so havent' been online nerding as much, although as you can see from my correspondence, I've made some firm friends.
On the manager mode I can't sign any players or score any goal. I've started as Southend United which doesn't help, but man it's difficult.
Anyway last night I decided to have one dabble as nerd Everton against nerd Liverpool. And as wins go this was about as straightforward as it gets.
But don't be fooled by the impressive tackle count (20/3 in Ev favour) into thinking this was some 'dogs of war' battle. This was nerding at its liquid best.
Nerd Liverpool, like their real (but still nerdy) counterparts, really only have two players (Gerrard and Torres), and Gerrard's not that good.
Heitinga and Jerjelka were impressive at the back, never allowing Torres a sniff, while just in front Fellaini loped about, greedily snaffling then liberally sprinkling possession.
The Blues went ahead after Fellaini found Yakubu - playing just behind Saha - who slipped Cahill in down the left. He nipped ahead of Carragher to square for Pienaar who smashed home.

Dominance

Nerd Liverpool just couldn't get a touch and my opponent tried booting his way to a draw. There's something grimly satisfying in seeing a tiny Steven Gerrard flailing on the ground after a pixelated Leighton Baines knocks the ball past him before collecting with ease. The spoiling didn't work and 10 minutes into the second half Saha skipped away down the left before crossing deep into the box.
Cahill, immense throughout in a deeper role than usual, powered into the box before cutting in front of the defender to head home from close range. Kop end too.

Last night's nerd togger - rEVERlation! (Massive nerd content)

Rat

I've cracked it - after ceaseless toiling when Mrs Biff has been at work I've finally sussed the best of way of playing Fifa 11 X-Box as Everton.
But it took a few smashings to get there, including one where I went nerd Ev and this lad, could be a girl as Mrs Biff is always keen to point out, went nerd Liverpool.
Started off pretty even and a close first half was shaded by me as we went in at half time one up. At which point it dawned on me, I'd never heard of any of this lad's team - he was playing his reserves! And he STILL equalised straight after half time, then brought Torres and Gerrard on as if to mock me further.
He eventually went 3-1 up at which point I pulled the plug, which brought an inbound message of 'don't you just love it?!' which I countered with 'have you told your mum?' So one each on the messages.
Anyway, to The Truth. The default set up for Everton is a sort of 4-5-1 with Cahill behind a striker but I have tweaked it thus: Howard in goal, back four from the right, Neville, Jerjelka, Heitinga, Baines. Midfield pair of Fellaini and Cahill, Pienaar the treacherous dog on the left, Arteta on the right, with Yakubu just behind Saha. The switch here is Cahill playing deep and Yakubu playing not quite up front - both these two are murder to get off the ball, which helps in those positions.
The trick is you have to take your time getting forward as it takes Cahill and Arteta a-g-e-s to get up there. But the extra man in the middle makes it difficult for other teams to get through, while there's usually a pass on in the middle from attack or defence, which thus far has led to me getting fouled a lot. This line up also works if you play the Manchester City default formation as well (4-2-3-1).
I beat Bayern, Manchester United and Seville playing like this - all comfortable wins after fairly slow nerd Ev starts. Unfortunately some teams just have better players, like nerd Arsenal, who I was BATTERING 2-1. Then they got one back after half time before I continued playing the ball round them.
Then the lad twigged the long ball and just kept smashing it up and relying on Van Persie being stronger than that SHITHOUSE Heitinga. Howard saved his shot but the ball hit Baines and went in - 2-2. More Everton pressure before another long ball so Heitinga fall over and Fabgregas bundle one in off his snidey little rat-face. Then the game crashed.

Last night's nerd togger - a new dawn?

Th'Allianz Arena (pic courtesy of Richard Bartz)

I've been nerding on and off for a few years now and I thought I'd seen it all. Well not all but some.
Occasionally though something comes along and - BLAMMO - it stops you dead.
Last night's first two nerd-offs were the usual blend of swearing and disproportionate upset, but the third was different.
It started off much as any other game, my nerd Everton were getting a bit of a chasing off someone else's nerd Bayern. They'd had much more of the ball but I was threatening and, at 0-0, it could have gone either way Brian.
Then it happened, at half time a message flashed up on my screen. It read simply: '##### wants to be your friend'.
I was stunned.
Here were two gladiators locked in to-the-nerd-death combat and yet - and yet - my foe was reaching out to me, as if to say 'when all this is over...' I took a mighly slurp from my presumptuously-opened victory beer to steady myself.
Six simple words, cast almost nonchalantly in my direction, but they represented so much more. Are we not men? (Are we Devo) - had I been so blinded by nerd blood lust all these years?
Had I lost sight of what makes online nerding great -  the sense of community? The feeling of belonging, of family, of the cosmic interconnectedness of all things (nerd)?
I shook my head a little, a wry smile playing on these full, kissable lips, and gasped at life's ability to surprise. The teams were back out. The game resumed.
Second half - beat his brains out 3-0, refused the request and sent my customary 'ha ha ha!' victory message. Because that's how I roll baby. Proper.

Previously:
Middle ground
A day of days
Up yours, Spurs and Bayern

Fridge

A right royal bumming

A grim tale

Have that Fritz

No name

It begins 

Last night's nerd togger - middle ground

The real (!) Estadio Santiago Bernabeu

Two wins, two defeats. Leaving me with five more defeats than wins - a record I will never break as I'm not quite good enough to get to the next level, so I'll keep bumping along like this. 
It's quite sobering to realise I've peaked at a pretty poor level of a game played on a toy by kids who are going to all get much better than me because they learn how to do all the flicks and that. 
I'm waving them on to better things, like Withnail in that horrendous film which people who want to appear cleverer than they really are say is their favourite film, even though it isn't actually funny and they nearly wet themselves watching Trains, Planes and Automobiles. 
Anyway the two defeats were close, (City 1-2 Chelsea, Everton 0-1 Arsenal), but then a couple of rip-snorting wins, first Everton went two up in 20 minutes to Villa before my opponent pulled the plug, incurring my customary 'ha ha ha' message - no exclamation, I'm not an animal. 
Up next the nitwit I was playing went Real Madrid so I plumped for Barcelona. With 10 minutes gone his keeper passes it out short, but David Villa nips in and smashes in a shot. It's saved but comes back to Villa who hits the bar with his next effort. Just as I was about to bellow some major language at the telly Villa prods home.
Then my opponent appears to stop playing so I just pass it round at the back. A message comes in saying, 'I don't like the shirts,' - what existential mind games are afoot? But then he hits back and tries to make a game of it - to no avail. I triumph 1-0 but best of all I could hear his every foul-mouthed splutter as nerd Barca eased through his nerd Real like a hot blade through a trapped, whimpering pug. 


Previously:
A day of days

Up yours, Spurs and Bayern

Fridge

A right royal bumming

A grim tale

Have that Fritz

No name

It begins

Last night's nerd togger - a day of days!

BOOM!

The usual derby day recipe of mistakes, nerves and unbearable tension was cast aside at Biff Mansions as Nerd Everton BEAT THE LIVING PISS out of nerd Liverpool, played on this occasion by a young Spanish twerp. I know this because I could hear his every anguished yelp blurting out of my telly like a strangled digital fart. The mayday call of the doomed.
No one could have lived with my nerd powers on this day as we tore in to the reds from the off, forcing three quick corners. Nowt came of them but it was only a matter of time before el Lipewl's defence fell.
When the breakthrough came it was quick and deadly. A smart move down the left saw Pienaar whip over a cross, the defence looked to have it covered but BOOM there was Yakubu to muscle in and head home at the near post. Chances came and went for Everton but no more first-half goals as Liverpool limped over the line with all the force of an old man's wank.
The second half was more of the same but this time Liverpool had no answer to the sheer force of will that was this nerd display, as first Cahill and then Saha blasted home to put the blues out of sight. The feared, fabled Liverpool late rally never came, instead it was Everton who poured forward searching for more. And with seconds to go, Yakubu drifted in from the left before hammering home the killer blow. At this point, with his dreams in tatters and the score at 4-0, Pepe pulled the plug.

Previously:

Up yours, Spurs and Bayern

Fridge

A right royal bumming

A grim tale

Have that Fritz

No name

It begins

Last night's nerd togger - up yours, Spurs and Bayern

Vanquished

Incredible scenes at Biff mansions as I extended my unbeaten run to four (four) games. First up an abortive game (my opponent pulled the after he went two down early on) as nerd Everton against nerd Spurs.
Then a real humdinger against nerd Bayern Munich. A close game saw me go two up (both Saha) early on only for my opponent to equalise with 20 minutes left. But straight from the kick off Saha struck again with what proved to be the decisive goal. Right at the end my vanquished foe pulled the plug - he was only one down, he had the ball and the whistle hadn't gone! What kind of nerd is that?
Well one of the good things about this game is the layout of the Xbox's 'virtual' keyboard, which makes it very easy to send a 'ha ha ha!' message, which I did. In your face, Frenchie!

Previously:
Fridge
A right royal bumming
A grim tale
Have that Fritz
No name
It begins

Last night's nerd togger - language, failure and festering fridges

Floating Frank

First up a tonking for me as nerd Chelsea at the hands of nerd Manchester United. It sticks in the throat of some nerd purists for an Evertonian to play as Chelsea but sometimes it's about getting the result. That didn't work this time and I was pure shite.
My opponent asked for a rematch and like a fool I said yes - never do this if you've just got beaten because your nerd dander is too up to guarantee success and you end up fouling everything that moves while screaming even worse things at the screen. (Example: 'Fucking arse your dad up the cunt, you cunt.' And no one likes to hear that.)
This time though he went nerd Liverpool and I went nerd Everton. Torres put the wanker one up but goals either side of half time from Saha and Arteta put me ahead only for that gobshite wanker poncey little shitstain cuntbucket Torres to equalise. I declined another rematch as I had to go the shops. 
On my return and after I'd put the shopping away and cleaned the fridge out - properly this time - in an attempt to get rid of the smell which has the poor bemused appliance in its grip I had another go. Again as nerd Everton only this time some punk ass kid goes nerd Vitesse Arnhem, a team ranked a full star lower than the nerd Toffees.
Now if you're going to do this - play as a crap team - you better bring your game or prepare for the nerd beat down. Because no matter how good you (think you) are the players are that bit slower and weedier so it's mainly a matter of keeping the ball and being patient. Which I did to ease my foe aside 3-1 (Saha, Cahill, Yakubu) after Grant Lederhosen had put them one up.
The fridge still smells though. It is most perplexing.

Previously:
A right royal bumming
A grim tale
Have that Fritz
No name
It begins

Last night's nerd togger - a right royal bumming

Wriggly little wanker

No other word for it. And this was actually the sum total of the weekend's nerding, as mrs Biff was present the entire time and takes a dim view of the nerding lexicon (eg: 'CUNT! I make no apologies for that.'). Plus she walks in front of the screen and starts asking me things, demanding I pause the game - while still in front of the screen. We only get three pauses, woman! Each is precious and not to be wasted on why I haven't fitted the spotlight in the kitchen.
So I took my chance when she was in the bath and it was a calamity - the game, the bath seemed to produce the required results - as nerd Arsenal hammered my nerd Everton 6-0.
I actually started off well, passing the ball around nicely but never really threatening. Gradually the nerd Gunners got into the game and I committed the ULTIMATE SIN OF NERDING - I lost my temper. Once you start charging round sliding in it's all over. And so it proved here with that BASTARD Arshavin wriggling his troll features through seemingly at will. It would be no surprise to see him hopping around with a mini pitchfork defending his nerd gold, if I was zapped into the Fifaworld, Tron style. That mangled metaphor stands.
The lumbering defensive duo of Heitinga and Jerjelka couldn't get near the little shit. Him and that fucking farmer's boy Fabregas. Two quick goals made it 2-0 at half time and I considered pulling the plug but I thought if I regained my composure I could get back into it.
Within five minutes of the restart they were four up (the second of which drew the remark above) and Heitinga was sent off, to be followed shortly after by Baines. The capitulation was finished with time to spare as forkboy Arshavin added two more.

Last night's nerd togger - a grim tale

Oh fuck off

I don't know why I ever play as nerd Everton against nerd spawny-horrible-only-got-two-good-players-but-still-always-beat-me Liverpool. But I did last night.
Bad start with wankbag Torres wriggling through before planting one in the top corner - Howard didn't even move. And it was downhill from there - I couldn't get a kick, of anything.
As a sidebar to the main event the actual Liverpool were playing the actual Napoli, so at half time in my game I flicked on to Channel 5 (Was that Stu 'I could crush a grape' Francis doing the commentary?). Anyway the Italians were one up but from the little I saw Liverpool seemed to be getting back into it, once Gerrard was on.
The second half of my game was more of the same with the nerd Reds swarming all over me - my yelps and convulsions on the couch failing to transmit into action on the nerd pitch - and they were soon two up (that bastard Gerrard). While my opponent watched every single fucking replay I flicked 5 on to see the real Gerrard had put Liverpool 2-1 up. L story S, both versions of Liverpool scored again.
Next up was nerd Everton v nerd Newcastle and this time the game was really quick, players and passes zipping all over the place. Tim Cahill put me one up early on and I was battering them. Cue Tim Howard, contrary to my instructions, coming screaming out for a ball he has no chance of getting and it's 1-1 (Andy Carroll).
He does it again, 1-2, then again, 1-3 - three goals in six minutes from that fucking longshanks waltsers worker who looks like he never goes anywhere without his 'bag of cans'. I felt like I'd been on a date with the brute. Then Heitinga heads an own goal for 1-4 and I could contain my rage no more and booted fuck out of one of his players (with the ball barely even on screen) so Heitinga was sent off.
To round it all off this bastard I was playing has his keeper drop the ball in the area and starts doing keepy-ups, so I pulled the plug. No stats for you (we love the stats at the end of the game) if you act like a gobshite.
By now my face was bright red and I was sweating with sheer impotent rage, and my mrs was due home. What's worse - to be caught like this and accused of wanking in the living room or admitting the truth?
Anyway I reasoned there was time for one more so played out a 2-2 draw as nerd City v nerd Spurs. Again the game was running slow - hang on, 'letters home from the soldiers'?! Is that a real record? Oh fuck off - yes, the game was sluggish. I'm wondering if it's my HD cable? Anyway it was pretty even, with me annoyingly equalising twice a minute after my opponent went ahead - HA! Despite myself I went for extra time and pens - penalties on Fifa11 are impossible, especially in shoot-outs. Naturally I dipped out in a blaze of players slipping and smashing it over (lost 1-2 on pens). And mrs Biff was none the wiser!