Sunday, 31 October 2010

A few things about Fifa 11 nerd togger make me angry

Specifically online play. There's something horrible about losing to someone you can't see. Especially when, as my mrs is always keen to point out, it could actually be a little girl. I get massively wound up by it - more so than watching Everton in real life. There's been occasions when I've been so tense after a few matches - usually defeats - I've had to masturbate to calm down. (Fifa, not at Goodison)
The worse pricks are the ones with their little game face at the bottom of the screen - and it's always got a fucking beard on it. I dont put the headphones on because I'm not a complete weirdo but sometimes the intercom sound comes out through the telly speakers and you can hear them laughing at you. Usually in Spanish. It's ghastly.
Of course it's bad form to pull the plug on a game when you're getting smashed but sometimes, for the good of your blood pressure, it's for the best. And some people just play as absolute wankers, fouling all the time and taking the piss - one replay is your lot, any more and you're acting the wanker. In which case a plug-pull is fair game.
If you bail on a game early you quite often get a text message through, to the effect of 'ha ha ha'. I usually reply saying their mum has just turned up so I had to go.

You're a Fifa cunt if:
You press 'ready' repeatedly while I'm picking my team
You watch every single fucking replay
You slide in on everylittlefuckingthing
You timewaste with more than a minute to go
You go as Liverpool (incidentally it's interesting the correlation between real life turd teams and Fifa ones: Liverpool - with Gerrard and Torres being especially realistic, I love hacking those bastards down), Manchester United and Arsenal are reassuringly loathesome

My top five post-defeat nerd togger shouts at the telly:

Fucking catch aids you cunt!
Fuck it up your mother's scratchy arse tunnel!
Fucking cersplumodgeee! (got my words mixed up on this one)
Shit fucker wank tablet!

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