Friday, 5 November 2010

Last night's nerd togger - a grim tale

Oh fuck off
I don't know why I ever play as nerd Everton against nerd spawny-horrible-only-got-two-good-players-but-still-always-beat-me Liverpool. But I did last night.
Bad start with wankbag Torres wriggling through before planting one in the top corner - Howard didn't even move. And it was downhill from there - I couldn't get a kick, of anything.
As a sidebar to the main event the actual Liverpool were playing the actual Napoli, so at half time in my game I flicked on to Channel 5 (Was that Stu 'I could crush a grape' Francis doing the commentary?). Anyway the Italians were one up but from the little I saw Liverpool seemed to be getting back into it, once Gerrard was on.
The second half of my game was more of the same with the nerd Reds swarming all over me - my yelps and convulsions on the couch failing to transmit into action on the nerd pitch - and they were soon two up (that bastard Gerrard). While my opponent watched every single fucking replay I flicked 5 on to see the real Gerrard had put Liverpool 2-1 up. L story S, both versions of Liverpool scored again.
Next up was nerd Everton v nerd Newcastle and this time the game was really quick, players and passes zipping all over the place. Tim Cahill put me one up early on and I was battering them. Cue Tim Howard, contrary to my instructions, coming screaming out for a ball he has no chance of getting and it's 1-1 (Andy Carroll).
He does it again, 1-2, then again, 1-3 - three goals in six minutes from that fucking longshanks waltsers worker who looks like he never goes anywhere without his 'bag of cans'. I felt like I'd been on a date with the brute. Then Heitinga heads an own goal for 1-4 and I could contain my rage no more and booted fuck out of one of his players (with the ball barely even on screen) so Heitinga was sent off.
To round it all off this bastard I was playing has his keeper drop the ball in the area and starts doing keepy-ups, so I pulled the plug. No stats for you (we love the stats at the end of the game) if you act like a gobshite.
By now my face was bright red and I was sweating with sheer impotent rage, and my mrs was due home. What's worse - to be caught like this and accused of wanking in the living room or admitting the truth?
Anyway I reasoned there was time for one more so played out a 2-2 draw as nerd City v nerd Spurs. Again the game was running slow - hang on, 'letters home from the soldiers'?! Is that a real record? Oh fuck off - yes, the game was sluggish. I'm wondering if it's my HD cable? Anyway it was pretty even, with me annoyingly equalising twice a minute after my opponent went ahead - HA! Despite myself I went for extra time and pens - penalties on Fifa11 are impossible, especially in shoot-outs. Naturally I dipped out in a blaze of players slipping and smashing it over (lost 1-2 on pens). And mrs Biff was none the wiser!

No comments:

Post a Comment