Tuesday, 30 November 2010

The crud list

Five pounds please
Because not everything's ace. These things are crud:

Stubbing your toe
Oasis (since 1995)
Watching football on 'the Norwegian'
Watching football on the snide internet sites
That awful Miranda programme
Wet cuffs
Wet socks
Riding your bike in the pissing rain
Secret fucking Santa at work
Trying to find out my fucking birthday at work
Other people's fucking birthdays at work
Leaving cards
Christmas cards
Birthday cards
Get well soon cards
Sorry you've got aids cards
Works chrimbo dos
Sitting next to your boss at the works fucking chrimbo do
Low sugar jam
Pubs charging over four quid - FOUR QUID - for a pint and putting that little tray down with the change in: They're saying 'I don't even want to touch you but give me your money'
Self-service tills
Warm toilet seats
Ross Noble - get to the point, fatty
The Champions League
The Premier League
People not coming to work because it's snowing. A bit
All foreign language films
People who do all the flicks on nerd togger - just fuck off
The smooth-chops one off Peep Show
Adidas Forest Hills
Most of Adidas' recent trainer output
Paul Smith - abysmal quality
See also Lacoste, in all but the polo shirts
The fella who hates me in the post office - you fat prick
Those fuckers on Question Time who don't ask questions but make statements aimed at getting applause
Their expression as they sit back to the sound of said applause
Those UKIP bellends
Those coalition bellends
Teams taking 20 minutes for half time
Goalies hanging on to the ball for over six seconds - I'M COUNTING
Extra time in night games
In winter
Then penalties
Going out on same
Papers putting rugby and cricket before football in the sport bit
Reporters who take football, and especially the England team, so seriously
Zane Lowe - relax, you squinting spastic, it's pop music,
Alan FUCKING Green
Phil Thompson saying '...and everything' on Sky's Saturday goals thing. And what, Phil? And what!
Pre-meeting meetings
Post-meeting meetings
Tripping over
Drivers who think a red light means 'speed up now'
Bus drivers
'Can I get'
'I'm good'
People leaving one biscuit in the pack/tin
People who take the last of the milk and put the bottle back in the fridge
People who don't wash their hands after going the toilet
Corrie at the mo - honestly, John Stape? No one fucking cares
G2 in that horrible smugfest The Guardian
Cheap socks
Britain's Got Talent
People not giving 'the wave' when I let them through in me car
People not giving 'the wave' when I let them through on me bike
'South Park smiles' at work
Being post shower but pre clobber in winter
The boiler breaking
Orange's phone signal
People bleating about the snow
Alan Titchmarsh
That nob who does the interviews on Sky Sports News, can't remember his name but he's dead tall and clearly no one likes him
Own brand beans
Under-done toast
Under-done chips
Deep-pan pizza
People moaning about Tube strikes - walk, lazyarse.
People who aren't in a trade union
People who used to be in a union but aren't now
The red and brown sauce they use in cafes
Easter eggs
The squeak at Goodison from the corner when a poorly-supported visiting team score
Getting to White Hart Lane
Getting away from White Hart Lane
Anyone wearing any of this lot - scarf, flip flops, three-quarter length kecks, sandals, sunglasses - in the pub
People not offering one of the recognised forms of thanks for a door hold

I hold these truths to be self evident. What about you?


  1. Shaving
    Wiggers/chavs-one and the same really
    People who play their music too loud in cars
    The quality and quantity of weed deals nowadays
    Russell Howard- you,re not funny you cockhat
    People who don,t understand the definition of "literally"
    Richard Keys-an odious condescending cunt of a man
    People who are "wacky" for wacky,s sake
    Paying 12 quid for a haircut-grade 2 at the back & sides a quick trim on top,2 minute job. 12 FUCKING QUID
    People who take FOREVER in petrol stations, resulting in me waiting a fucking age to fill up cuz i,m stuck behind the bastards.
    The amount of crisps you get in a bag for your money
    Footballers who "dance" when they score a goal.
    Footballers who are clearly fucking shite but play professional football instead of me, not that i,m bitter or nothing...
    Them faux matey bollox tv presenters, Clarkson, May, Hammond and those fuckers off the Gadget show,
    Cunts who knock on my door trying to sell me their shite
    My local shop for not stocking Carlsberg Export
    Beetroot-i would chew my own cock off before eating that again
    Cunts who flick their fag ends in my garden
    "dude" and any non Aussie who uses said word
    People who claim "ownage" over another on a internet forum
    Internet speak, "ownage", "pwnage" "teh" instead of "the" etc etc...
    Paying through the arse for almost everything
    That bell ringing dick you see at every Portsmouth football match, yeah, we get it son, you LOVE pompey
    Jordan/Katie Price
    Them "rock hard" football fans who go topless in winter, no boys, you look cunts, not hard
    TV football presenters/commentators referring to said topless fans and saying shit like " hahahaha those are hardcore fans for you" Gits
    The communist bastards at Channel 4 for editing out all the rude/slighty risqué lines from The Simpsons, Sky one allow them to be broadcast
    Channel 4 in general in fact
    My fat mealy mouthed son of a bitch of a neighbour, if he wasn,t such a big bloke i,d knock the shit out of him, but he is, so i can ,t
    My fat mealy mouthed son of bitch of a nieghbours dog, one of those little non stop barking fucking things
    Kay Burley
    That red fucking dot Sky TV always put on the screen
    All the local boozers closing down, and being replaced by happy family eateries
    Internet warriors/hard men, trying saying it to my face instead and see what you get
    My missus making me watch soap operas
    soap operas
    People who reckon Kate Humble is fit
    The "Chart Show" not being on tv anymore
    Any song by "Pink"
    Any song by " J LO"
    Me asking the missus "whats up?" and her saying "nothing" when there clearly is something up with her
    The silent treatment the missus gives me when i piss her off, shes so fucking stubborn
    Iphone batteries lasting about 17 minutes before you gotta recharge them again
    Famous for 15 minutes celebrities
    Talkative taxi drivers
    The Royal Family, the family not the show, although the show died on its arse a few years back as well tbh
    The "music" you,re played while waiting on the end of the phone
    Old ladies with those buggy basket ankle smashing things they cart around in front of them

  2. "That nob who does the interviews on Sky Sports News, can't remember his name but he's dead tall and clearly no one likes him"

    Andy Burton.

  3. my god it IS burton. what a wanker, thinks he's all 'edgy' but really he's setting himself up for a beating one day. defo on the shaving. have you heard the pink/elo 'mash up' of get this party started and dont bring me down? it's formiddable. if i can whack it up on here i will

  4. just listened to it on youtube.. it alright to be fair, got a decent beat to it