Thursday, 16 December 2010

Apprentice semi final - fuck off Stuart (again)

Phwoar, it's Sugar tower!
It’s almost the end of the cunt of the year show and it’s down to Stuart, Jamie, Joanna, Chris and Stella.
Once again it’s an early-morning call - the sight of Stuart in bed is made even weirder by his Darth Vader breathing - and they’re off to Sugar’s Viglen offices for the interviews. 
Before they leave Joanna rips in to Jamie’s attire – rightly, red tie? – and away we go. She’s an odd one, Joanna, when she talks to people she adopts a half Mr Burns/half Lizard Queen pose.
Sugar addresses them from up a staircase, leaving them gawping up in awe at their god. And then they toddle off to have selection of Sugar’s henchpeople - including one who looks like a Noel Edmonds tribute act, and the ace Margaret Mountford - rip into them like fat backward kids on a chocolate bosom.
Joanna looks like she’s going to shit herself at any moment and she fucks up royally when she can’t really explain what Viglen does or what companies Sugar has. The fella asks her and... (one of the first things they learn you at journalism school is, if there’s a silence, the other person will invariably fill it. So let it hang. Sugar’s ball-breakers do not fill that silence and are clearly happy for it to sit there indefinitely)... Oh man, that was a long silence!
Margaret goes through their CVs and Chris’s claim that he’s ‘revered’ among theologians doesn’t stand up. ‘People in my school held me in awed respect,’ he splutters. And his half year studying law clearly doesn’t impress interrogator Claude who labels him a quitter. Chris denies this but goes bright red in the process.  
Correctly, none of the candidates is coming clean to the others about how their interviews have gone. So despite Jamie getting absolutely hammered for his Cyprus property company being shit, he bounds down the stairs to the bukkake pit which doubles as the waiting area trilling ‘good interview!’
Stuart reckons Sugar saying he sees a little bit of himself in the Baggs is a complement. Maybe Sugar just recognises he can be a bit of a prick though. Either way you can’t knock his optimism but he’s the one who comes off worst in the interviews because he’s got no self awareness, although he sussed that Claude had him marked as a nobhead.
The problem with Claude though is he’s just a nark and a bit of a cartoon bully. He isn’t intimidating, he’s just a bullet-headed tit. Like that nobhead PE teacher at everyone’s school who hates his job but always seemed to be knocking around with a fit bird.
It’s ace to see Stuart squirm when he’s sussed on his blagging. Henchperson Gordon is having none of it and manages to restrain from dragging the little shit over the desk when Stuart asks, ‘sorry, what’s your name?’ But there’s something about him, when he says he’ll make Sugar a load of bread, it doesn't sound like absolute shite. It’s shite, but not absolute shite.
Stella once again looks the business. She’s relaxed and confident, even sticking it to the nob who says she’s a glorified PA.
With the interviews over it’s on to the boardroom. The interviewers run through the candidates before Sugar gets stuck into them. Chris gets stick for being boring but they all think he’s smart. Joanna comes out quite well, Jamie gets mild stick from them all, but it’s Stella that causes the most debate, with opinion split as to whether she’s an admin queen or a real go-getter. 
The five candidates come into the boardroom and Sugar starts chipping away at the holes which have appeared in them over the weeks like Stella's rigid approach, Jamie's 'wasn't me' defence. Then it's Stuart's bollocks-chat ('you're full of shit,' Sugar tells him), and the reason Gordon kept on about his 'telecoms license' became clear. He lied, Sugar aint having it and - BLAMMO! - Stuart is fired.
The other four put forward their pleas and it's more of the same corporate bollocks-speak before the shitty stick of doom prods Joanna (who starts crying) and Jamie, leaving Stella and Chris to fight it out in the final. All in all, pretty underwhelming really. And it's got to be Stella, hasn't it?

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