Alan Nixon says so, 22/1/11 to whatever day the transfer window shut

A bus is just one of Blackburn's attractions

Home straight for Alan Nixon says so now, with Sky's mega countdown (they invented the game you know. Oh yes, time was old idiots like Tommy Lawton would just run round aimlessly screaming 'what is this game!?' while smashing their faces against the goalpost. Generation upon generation searching for direction then Sky came and showed us the way) trickling towards its terrible conclusion. Like a post-five-pint wank.
So what certs has Alan Nixon served up via the cast iron medium of the Mirror/People this last week? Behold: 
Statesman-like El Hadji Diouf (Blackburn) is off to West Ham while Charlie Adam (Blackpool) is ready to 'force' a move to Liverpool (joint byline with David Maddock that one). 
Further east Manchester United are braced for Patrice Evra's imminent defection to Real Madrid and have Benfica full-back Fabio Coentrao, Newcastle’s Spanish star Jose Enrique or Celtic’s Honduran wing-back Emilio Izaguirre lined up to replace him. Bet hedging courtesy of Nixon and 1940s tobacconist Tom Hopkinson there. 
United's Manchester chums City will lose Emmanuel Adebayor to Monaco (oops) for £9m while Shaun Wright-Phillips has been seduced by New Bolton's style of football and will stop at nought to sign up to the land of faded blue Ford Escorts and Ennesse trackies. Wanderers are also getting Arsenal striker Carlos Vela on loan.
Just over from Bolton lie the golden plains of Blackburn - where 'tis said - a man can dine mightily off a pound and still have change to entertain a young lady in the manner of a princess. By driving like a maniac and killing her. Topical - that's satire right there.
The town will be lifted to know Rovers' Chris Samba - who Nicko's previously had going all over t'shop - is staying at Ewood now. And joining him will be Ruben Rochina (Barcelona) and Sao Paolo's Ronieli dos Santos. You can see them advertising their new homes now: 'Blackburn - come for the scenery, stay for the pea-wet.' Or is that Wigan? Argentinian star Mauro Formica (Newell's Old Boys - aren't they all dear!) will also be joining them if his visa or something issues are sorted.
Elsewhere Sunlan want Wiissttaaammm's Freddie Piquionne for £3m as Steve Bruce is giving up on Stoke's Ricardo Fuller. West Brom are set to lose out on Obafemi Martins (who was always available cheap on Playstation2 PES and was dead fast but hopeless) who is leaving Russian side Rubin Kazan and going to Birmingham on loan. 
Speaking of shite, Newcastle covet Aston Villa's Stephen Ireland. Werder Bremen fancy Spurs' Niko Kranjcar to the tune of £5m but he wants to stay in the Premier League, ideally with Lipewl, who will offload Christian Poulsen (I thought he was the chairman or something?) to Monaco. Across Stanley Park Everton's James Vaughan went to Crystal Palace, but on loan, not the £850k Nixon said.
And lastly, everyone's favourite home movie director Paul Jewell is ready to bring Swindon striker Charlie Austin to Ipswich for £1.2m.
That's all I've seen fuckos, now put your knickers on and make us a brew. 

'Birds' channel' in shock swoop for Gray and Keys

Richard Keys last night

Disgraced feminists Andy Gray and Richard Keys are the shock choices to front Living Tv's new daytime chat show, Menstral Gas, as the battle for the much-prized 3am slot goes nuclear.
With Gray already sacked and Keys looking certain to follow after fresh footage emerged last night of him demanding a nursery school teacher look at his 'elephant', Living have swooped.
The network - famous for such shows as Dating in the Dark, Cougar Town, and The Oestrogeneration Game - have offered the pair a new home, away from prying eyes.
A Living spokeswoman said: 'Research shows no cunt watches our channel at that time of the morning but we're confident this edgy new approach will pay off.
'They'll be tackling all the issues that matter to today's modern woman or homosexual man. One things for sure, with Richard and Andy no one will be safe!'
Keys has stayed silent since the scandal broke but last night Gray said: 'Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm no sexist. And if you don't believe me you can ask me tart.'
Guests rumoured to be lined up for episode one of Gas include Michael Winner, Silvio Burlesconi and Dame Judy Dench.

Gold to reveal all

Youthful

West Ham United co-owner David Gold has promised to reveal the secret of eternal youth IF the people in charge of divvying out the Olympic stadium give the Hammers the nod.
Gold, 74, and his 50-year-old daughter Jacqueline - the boss of 1970s nifty-knickers store Ann Summers - have baffled the public for years with their youthful looks. 
Many cultural commentators credit the life-giving properties of porno, and the years spent basking in its glow.
But nay-sayers point to Gold's co-owner at West Ham, tortured goblin David Sullivan, 35, as the evidence against. 
Whatever the truth, we won't be finding out for a bit with the Olympic Park Legacy Company delaying the stadium decision, possibly for up to a fortnight. 
This might be because they're working their way through free DVDs of the Shaved Mamas in Space series, reports are unclear at this stage.

Olympic stadium 'to kill Tottenham'

Revellers on Tottenham Boulevard

Tottenham will be wiped from the map if Spurs get the nod to move into the Olympic stadium in Stratford, an insider warns today. 
If Spurs become preferred bidders, with a decision expected on Friday, Tottenham will be gone. Like Atlantis.
A club source said: 'The N17 postcode will mainly be used as a stroller park for the three-wheeler baby buggies of nearby Stoke Newington. 
You get a better class of idiot in 'Stokey' and the space will help accommodate the overspill of vegan wrap joints, Indonesian coffee treehouses, and "lesbians".'
A Haringey council spokesman said: 'Obviously this is a controversial move but in terms of regeneration it's a god-send - a blank canvas. We can finally put some much-needed Tesco stores in and a few of those coffee chains everyone else has. Tottenham's had its chance but things haven't worked out. And frankly, it stinks.'

Alan Nixon says so... 15/1/11 - 21/1/11

Offski: Michael Owen (right)

Who put the bop in the bop-she-wop-she-wop? Alan Nixon, that's who. And you can bet it had EXCLUSIVE splashed across it.
Only a week to go in the transfer window and Nixon watch is reaching the pitch of a rabid fever as we behold his latest offerings.
From the Mirror/People (again): Wigan want £12m for Charles N’Zogbia. Liverpool and Sunderland are interested (joint byline with Darren 'kopite' Lewis). Also 'Roberto Martinez is lining up a £2m bid for Ipswich midfielder Grant Leadbitter but faces competition from Wolves and West Brom,' apparently.
Michael Owen (Manchester United and Ladbrokes) is off to Sunlan with Nixon spluttering the Wearsiders are 'desperately close to landing the ex-England striker and paying him a relatively cheap £25,000-a-week to come to Wearside'. 
Also splitting the immediate Manchester area is City's Shaun Wright-Phillips, although he's staying in the Greater Manchester area with sexy Bolton, who also want Benfica's Rodrigo Moreno.
Just up t'road, Blackburn apparently want £10m (!) for Chris Samba. I refer them to Junior Soprano's Angie Dickinson line. Also departing Darwen is El Hadji Diouf - doesn't say where - with Birmingham's Seb Larsson, who Nixon says has put in a transfer request, replacing him.
Elsewhere (deep breath) Wolves are getting Barnsley's Adam Hammill, Everton's James Vaughan is going to Celtic on loan, Stephen Ireland (Villa) is going on loan to Newcastle with Blackpool's Charlie Adam replacing him at Villa Park, Emmanuel 'boy toy' Adebayor (Manchester City) is off to Monaco, Rangers are getting David Healy on loan from Sunderland, and Swansea are 'tracking' Exeter's Ryan Harley.

Two Nixon's got right are Steven Pienaar (Everton) to Spurs and David Wheater (Boro) to Bolton

David Mitchell death stuns nation

Dead

Britain is in mourning today following the death of David Mitchell. The star was beloved by many as the fat one out of Peep Show, and that other thing - didn't he advertise iPads? - but recent weight loss, and his insistence on appearing on all TV programmes and sometimes in the paper and on the wireless and occasionally just showing up in city centres and shouting at passers-by, led to accusations of over-exposure and him just not being funny any more.
Last night's 10 O' Clock Live confirmed it, with the former prep school wank sock spluttering his way through a series of horrendous interviews. 
Leading TV reviewer and friend of all beasts AA Gill says Mitchell is not the first star to suffer this way. He said: 'Dara O Briain is still technically funny but just looks sinister these days. And who can honestly say they didn't think Frank Skinner had got the Aids a few years back?' 
Mitchell's agent Robert Meringue led the tributes, saying: 'I'm gutted. He was the Micky Quinn of satire, and now he's gone.'
Comedy partner Robert Webb added: 'I'm devastated. David fell up the stairs last week while carrying a tea tray and I thought for a second "he's back". But last nights show finished him off.'
Micky Quinn was unavailable for comment.

Everton's best XI

Respect the moustache

Ooh, it's the Anfield derby on Sunday which means blah blah blah 'bragging rights, blah blah blah 'formbook out of the window', blah blah blah 'no one likes to see that'. 


Here's my Ev faves (you may disagree but you'd be making an absolute show of yourself):


GK Neville Southall

First up these are only players I’ve seen but even so the magnificent, contrary, scruffbag, maestro would be in any all time ace Everton list. Has there ever been a player so good yet so completely at odds with his status?

Considered by many to be the best in the world in the mid to late 1980s – I can’t say as I never saw all the others – he was at times unbeatable. Ask John Barnes. Football writers’ player of the year in 1984/5. 9/10

RB Ian Snodin

A controversial choice but I’m still mad at Gary Stevens for the pass that let Ronnie Whelan in at the 1986 cup final.

Snodin came from Leeds United as a midfielder and he was alright there, but when he filled in at right back for a spell he was superb. Fast, aggressive, smart, and with a haircut much like mine at the time, he made the position his own and was called up for England but had to withdraw when injury knackered him up. 7/10

CB Dave Watson

Wretched at first – a Guardian match report on one of his early games (probably by Ian Ross) reckoned he and Kevin Ratcliffe weren’t on first-name terms yet – he became one of Everton’s most important players.

Rock solid, rock hard and fond of unorthodox refuelling methods, Watson was superb. Lifted the FA Cup as captain in 1995 and once ruffled Michael Owen’s hair when the little shit was bleating. 8/10

CB Joleon Lescott

Most people my age would go for Kevin Ratcliffe here, and he was a good player and our most successful skipper, but Lescott, for me, was simply brilliant for us. His defection basically finished football for me.

Good on the floor, good in the air, fast and with an incredible knack for scoring (big) goals, him leaving left a massive hole in my betting strategy. 8/10

LB Pat Van den Hauwe

An absolute beast but a brilliant player. Once put Vince Hilaire over the advertising hoardings at Goodison with a spirited tackle. As Hilaire’s twitching torso was stretchered off people were whispering ‘I think he’s dead’. Also smashed through Jimmy ‘shithouse’ Case after he’d fouled Adrian Heath or Trevor Steven (can’t remember which) when playing for Southampton. Scored the goal which clinched the 1987 championship at Norwich City. 8/10

RM Andrei Kanchelskis

My god what a player. Twenty goals in 52 league appearances in just under two seasons, including a cracking brace at Anfield in a 2-1 win in November 1995. He was fast as fuck with a great shot and a fine head. At times Kancheskis was unstoppable – then he got the arse over a move to Fiorentina and that was that. 9/10

CM Peter Reid

Described by Howard Kendall as Everton’s most important post-war signing. Paul Bracewell was arguably a better player but not as important. Reid wasn’t the quickest but he had everything else – he’d be priceless in today’s game, although he’d get sent off a lot. 
Along with Kim Gordon and Jonny Marr, the only famous person I’d like to meet. Although we’d make an odd crowd. Marr would probably sneak off early having left his share of the bill but ‘forgetting’ the tip. 
I'd probably slope off a bit later (my eye starts going funny when I'm bladdered) but Reidy and Kim would be up until all hours, quaffing brandy and swapping stories of CBGBs and that time Reid smashed through Alan Hansen in front of the Anfield dugouts (but he won the ball!). 9/10

CM Mikel Arteta

I was slow to warm to Arteta as I feel midfielders should be able to tackle, and it pissed me off that he needed Lee Carsley in there to hold his hand at times. But the best little Spaniard has been brilliant the last few seasons (although largely shite this term). An elegant player but also one of the hardest working. Fit wife too. 8/10

LM Kevin Sheedy

Sheer brilliance. I don’t know who Liverpool had on the left in 1982 when Sheedy joined us but he must have been bloody superb. Sheedy wasn’t quick but he didn’t need to be because his touch, passing, crossing and shooting were so good. But it’s the free-kicks people remember, with many pointing to an FA Cup tie with Ipswich where he smashed it top corner, was told to retake, and smashed it in the other corner. Magic. 9/10

CF Peter Beardsley

Along with Sheedy the most skilful Everton player I’ve ever seen. John Motson on Match of the Day when we played (I think) Coventry said: “You could take this first 30 minutes from Beardsley and put out a video called ‘how to play football’”. There’s no better sight than Beardsley shaking his hips, sending the defender the wrong way and then stroking the ball past a baffled keeper. 9/10

CF Graeme Sharp

Everton’s post-war record goalscorer, Sharp scored some of the most important goals in the club’s most successful period, including the winner at Anfield in 1984/5, the first in the 1984 FA Cup final, and the equaliser in the home leg of the 1985 European Cup Winners’ Cup semi final against Bayern Munich. The Toffees went on to win 3-1 in a game regarded by many as Everton’s greatest ever. If you weren’t there you missed out because it was fucking ace. 8/10

This story first appeared on www.sabotagetimes.com

Alan Nixon says so 8/1/11 - 14/1/11

You can hang your hat on this

This week's Alan Nixon round up of players and managers who, his tireless research informs him, are on the move. From the Mirror/People (they seem to put their stuff on the Mirror site): David Wheater (Middlesbrough) to Bolton Wanderers for £2.25m, but Nicko later reckons the fee's a stumbling block. What insight! 
Stephen Pienaar (Everton) is off to Spurs with Robbie Keane coming the other way 'if Spurs pay some of his wages', which must be tempting for them.
Avram Grant to become Chelsea's director of football if he gets the boot from West Ham United.  
Shane Lowry (Aston Villa) is off to Charlton on loan for the rest of the season. Manchester United are planning a 'double raid' on the north east with Sunderland ­midfielder Jordan Henderson and Newcastle full-back Jose Enrique both gagging to join Fergie's band of referee-baiting gobshites (joint byline with Alan Oliver).
Charlie Adam (Blackpool) is the subject of a three-club 'bidding war', with Birmingham, Sunderland and Blackburn the dizzying possibilities for the man with the demob haircut. Blackburn are also after Villa pair Stephen Warnock and James Collins in a swap for 'unsettled Steve Kemba', sorry I just made a player up there, Chris Samba.
Nicko also warns 'Rovers will have to move fast if they want to snap up 16-year-old Crewe teenager Nick Powell, as the England youth striker is also interesting Arsenal'. Make haste, Blackburn! And Blackpool will apparently be signing Southampton winger Jason Puncheon, currently on loan at Millwall, for £200,000.
Liverpool have signed Jason Banton from Blackburn, he says. Others say he's on trial at Anfield. Yet more Rovers news: 'Blackburn boss Steve Kean has won the race for Birmingham winger Sebastian Larsson - but is willing to wait until summer to clinch the deal.' Course he is, Alan!
Burnley are still after Bournemouth boss Eddie Howe and are offering a cool £500,000 plus bonuses! And lastly there was a google link under 'Alan Nixon' which says 'My porn pal - hide my ass!' but I didn't click that as I'm at work.

Hats off to... Jack Klompus

All right-thinking people agree Seinfeld is the best telly programme ever - better even than that elephant pooing on Blue Peter.
As well as the excellent main cast - Jerry Seinfeld (himself), Jason Alexander (George Costanza), Julia Luis Dreyfus (Elaine Benes) and Michael Richards (Cosmo Kramer) - there are some brilliant support parts.

Do me a personal favour!

The best of a superb bunch are Jerry's parents Morty and Helen (played by the late Barney Martin and Liz Sheridan) and George's parents Frank and Estelle (Jerry Stiller and Estelle Harris). Which is where Jack Klompus comes in.
Jack is Morty's nemesis (actually he has two, Frank Costanza is the other) at the Del Boca Vista retirement community in Florida. And he is part of what makes sitting down to a bit of the Seinfeld box sets a real luxury.
The character is brilliant - a petty, old nark - and the acting (Seinfeld excepted, which is part of the gag) is absolutely top drawer.
Played superbly by the late Sandy Baron, Jack made his first appearance in 1991's The Pen (1991) and pretty much stole the show with that 'take the pen!' bit.
He also appeared in The Raincoats (1994), The Cadillac (1996) and The Money (1997) and played some of, for me, the show's best scenes, especially when on screen with Morty. When those two were together the petty tensions that come from a lifetime of being friends, but horribly competitive with it, came roaring out.
Enough yack, there's a dearth of Jack bits on YouTube but here's the bit I'm on about from The Pen. 

Diary of a squad player, part 10

Smile!

Saturday, 8 January
Wasn't even in the squad again so the commercial staff had me doing a load of hand shakes and photos before the match - kit sponsors and that. Wasn't too bad and I chanced a sneaky pint as I wasn't going to be seeing the boss.
Unfortunately he walked in to meet his agent as I was slurping. Not sure if he spotted me but fuck it, I'm not playing. It cost £3.80! It's only a bit more than that at Infernos and we get our own bit behind a velvet rope there. And blowjobs.

Sunday, 9 January
Watched Man U beat Liverpool on the telly. Christ it was boring. Kenny Dalglish looks like someone's let the air out of him. Never saw him play but he looks good on the youtube clips.

Monday, 10 January
Went down with Ribbsy to the club's main sponsor's new shop. It's a DIY gaff so it stunk of paint and boredom. It was supposed to be a photo for the local paper but no one turned up so they had to get the staff to pretend to be supporters.
Phil the press officer kept apologising and sweating but we weren't arsed. It was either that or going to the hospital again, and seeing those sick kids is just depressing. They should mix the wards up a bit so all the really bad cases - the bald girls and the ones with tubes sticking out of them - aren't together.

Jerry Sadowitz, Leicester Square Theatre 7/1/11

So who's from out of town?

And so the maestro returns. This was the start of Jerry Sadwoitz's month(ish) residence at this venue, and the second time I've seen him here.
The first thing I noticed was the number of empty seats as kick-off approached. A good third of the theatre was empty, which is the first time I've seen him not sell out.
Even though it's a new show there are some familiar themes - oh Madeleine McCann! - and the usual mix of extreme isms.
And that's the problem - for all that Sadowitz does it better and has been doing it longer than, say, Frankie Boyle, the fact is this kind of 'he didn't say that, did he?' material is getting regular airings on TV.
Added to that, it's unavoidable that the initial 'shock' of seeing Sadowitz live dips a little with each viewing. And this was my fourth time seeing him.
Sadowitz is a brilliant performer and his material is mainly top stuff, but after a superb opening 30 minutes, he dipped massively, and I was actually a little bored for a bit. Maybe that's the wrong word, but I was definitely frustrated because he did hardly any magic, which is what Sadowitz has over other comics peddling similar, if inferior, stuff.
He's a brilliant magician - absolutely incredible - I've seen him do stuff where it had to be magic because there was no other explanation for it. But that was at the more intimate Soho Theatre.
This venue is a bit big to really get the best from his slight of hand stuff so maybe that's why he's not doing it. The 'what's on' bit in the Sunday Times this week said there would be no magic at this run so maybe he'd put it about that this was the case. But I was massively disappointed and missed his card tick at the end because I went for a wee.
By that time though he'd peaked again (but I couldn't hold on any longer) so perhaps with a few more shows the material will tighten up and maybe he'll dump some of the stuff which seemed a bit weak. In the meantime it's still probably the best show around, but by his own standards, a bit of a let down.

TIckets available here

Alan Nixon says so, 1/1/11 -7/1/11

From here to Darwen?

We're into the transfer window now so hopefully some of Alan Nixon's carefully researched stories will actually happen in the next few weeks. 
Otherwise he'll look a right nana! (To me, I doubt anyone else is that bothered.)
Anyway, didn't see anything from the lumbering fatarse in the People so it's a Mirror special this week. Pray silence for, the Nixon report:
First up, Ronaldinho (AC MIlan) to Blackburn Rovers - incredibly this one looked a goer for about an hour, and Preston North End's Adam Barton to Liverpool (£5m).
Elsewhere: 'Burnley will move for Watford boss Malky Mackay - if Sam Allardyce does not take the chance of a return to management,' roars an indignant Nixon at a baffled waitress as she delivers his brekky. Oh no - it's got scrambled eggs and he asked for fried! 
Brad Guzan (Villa) to Hull City on loan. Carlos Vela  (Arsenal) to Bolton on loan. Roque Santa Cruz  (Manchester City) to Blackburn on loan, although yesterday Nixon said City have 'put a block' on that one. 'Congolese destroyer ' Chris Samba (Blackburn) to Villa with James Collins and a bag of readies going the other way.
Also Ewood-bound is Blackpool's Charlie 'some mothers do' Adam. While Villa are 'on the trail of Le Havre midfielder Gueida Fofana, 19, who is out of contract in the summer', as well as Spurs full back Kyle Walker - should have joined Everton, you tit. Unless that was the other Kyle. And West Ham are about to end Steve Sidwell's 'Villa hell'.
In the north east, live action pumpkin Steve Bruce (he walks! he talks! he makes an effective Halloween lantern and a fine soup!) wants to bring Victor Caceres (Libertad) to Sunlan'. And Birmingham's Swedish winger Seb Larsson is heading to chipmunk-faced swordsman Alan 'what's your sign, love? Aries? No, Pisces? Cancer? Libra? Ah, Libra - I knew it' Pardew's Newcastle for £1.5m. And lastly Brann Bergen’s Rodolph Austin is off to QPR for £1.6m. Course he is.
Rodrigo Moreno (Benfica, currently on loan at Bolton) to sign permanently at the rucanor stadium but Benfica want £6million.

Diary of a squad player, part 9

Get em washed, scuzzball

Saturday, 1 January
Not playing today - not even in the squad. People think it's ace being a footballer, that all we do is shag birds or watch Sky Sports News all day while having massages and free toast. There's some of that but people don't see the other side - the hurt of rejection. And some wanker chucked me phone in the shower after training. It had all me numbers on it. Tried drying it out on the radiator when I got home but I'm not hopeful.

Sunday, 2 January
Looks like I'm going on loan. Me agent reckons there's a few clubs interested but I'm not sure. Me dad reckons I should stay and fight for my place, and I think he's right. If I stay and give it till the summer maybe I can do something here. Plus I've finally sorted me Waitrose delivery details out, so it'd be a shame to have to re-do it all.

Monday, 3 January
Not in the squad again. Hope they get stuffed.

Tuesday, 4 January
Ha! Three fucking nil, and Ellsie had a stinker! Cheered me right up that - no way is he better than me. All he does is bladder the ball up the pitch. No finesse. Plus he thinks just cos he washes his hands after going the bog he's better than us. Fair dos if you've been sat down, but for a piss? That's just daft.

Wednesday, 5 January
Boss had me in after training to talk about my future. He reckons I should go on loan so that looks like it. I'm not going up north though, or to Scotland. It's too cold and the women are disgusting - eating pasties in the street and that.

Make soup, pull women, get cool, YES

Not all lentils were used

Like me you probably like soup. And also like me you probably think most shop-bought soups are rubbish - especially those Covent Garden piss and salt ones.
So what to do? Make your own, lezzers, that's what. It's dead easy, tastes ace and will make chicks dig you. Guaranteed. So here's my easy chicken and veg soup (which takes its start point from one of Jamie Oliver's books).

You will need most of this stuff:
One big onion or two little 'uns
Two sticks of celery
Two carrots (I only had one though)
Handful of mushies
Some cooked chicken
Two cloves of garlic
Curry powder
Lentils
Olive oil
Two stock cubes
Pepper
Water
A big massive pot (for cooking)
Hand blender (for blending)

It's dead easy. Chop the veg up so it's about 1cm square or so, crush the garlic, put the pot on a medium heat, lash some olive oil in there. Then put the garlic and veg in and stir it all up good style, add the chicken and curry powder after a couple of minutes (up to you how much, I did a couple of shakes from the pot) then stir so everything's coated. Put the lid on, but not closed, and stir every 30 seconds or so until 10 minutes have elapsed from the time you bunged it all in.
Make up one stock cube with boiling water (500ml), bung it in the pot. Do another one and bung that in. Bring to the boil then simmer with the lid on for about 10 minutes (if there's enough stuff in there put about another 200ml of boiling water in - I only had a bit of chicken so didn't bother), when it's simmered all nice like put a load of pepper in and have a taste.
Then all you have to do is blend it (nice and steady pulse action needed here) until it's reached the consistency you like. Then serve up and watch the women come flocking to your door. Proper.

Chop that veg, motherflipper!

After stirring veg, add stock. Mmmm, stock

After simmering, blend it (picture has flipped here)

Get it eaten!