Alan Nixon says so, 22/1/11 to whatever day the transfer window shut

A bus is just one of Blackburn's attractions

Home straight for Alan Nixon says so now, with Sky's mega countdown (they invented the game you know. Oh yes, time was old idiots like Tommy Lawton would just run round aimlessly screaming 'what is this game!?' while smashing their faces against the goalpost. Generation upon generation searching for direction then Sky came and showed us the way) trickling towards its terrible conclusion. Like a post-five-pint wank.
So what certs has Alan Nixon served up via the cast iron medium of the Mirror/People this last week? Behold: 
Statesman-like El Hadji Diouf (Blackburn) is off to West Ham while Charlie Adam (Blackpool) is ready to 'force' a move to Liverpool (joint byline with David Maddock that one). 
Further east Manchester United are braced for Patrice Evra's imminent defection to Real Madrid and have Benfica full-back Fabio Coentrao, Newcastle’s Spanish star Jose Enrique or Celtic’s Honduran wing-back Emilio Izaguirre lined up to replace him. Bet hedging courtesy of Nixon and 1940s tobacconist Tom Hopkinson there. 
United's Manchester chums City will lose Emmanuel Adebayor to Monaco (oops) for £9m while Shaun Wright-Phillips has been seduced by New Bolton's style of football and will stop at nought to sign up to the land of faded blue Ford Escorts and Ennesse trackies. Wanderers are also getting Arsenal striker Carlos Vela on loan.
Just over from Bolton lie the golden plains of Blackburn - where 'tis said - a man can dine mightily off a pound and still have change to entertain a young lady in the manner of a princess. By driving like a maniac and killing her. Topical - that's satire right there.
The town will be lifted to know Rovers' Chris Samba - who Nicko's previously had going all over t'shop - is staying at Ewood now. And joining him will be Ruben Rochina (Barcelona) and Sao Paolo's Ronieli dos Santos. You can see them advertising their new homes now: 'Blackburn - come for the scenery, stay for the pea-wet.' Or is that Wigan? Argentinian star Mauro Formica (Newell's Old Boys - aren't they all dear!) will also be joining them if his visa or something issues are sorted.
Elsewhere Sunlan want Wiissttaaammm's Freddie Piquionne for £3m as Steve Bruce is giving up on Stoke's Ricardo Fuller. West Brom are set to lose out on Obafemi Martins (who was always available cheap on Playstation2 PES and was dead fast but hopeless) who is leaving Russian side Rubin Kazan and going to Birmingham on loan. 
Speaking of shite, Newcastle covet Aston Villa's Stephen Ireland. Werder Bremen fancy Spurs' Niko Kranjcar to the tune of £5m but he wants to stay in the Premier League, ideally with Lipewl, who will offload Christian Poulsen (I thought he was the chairman or something?) to Monaco. Across Stanley Park Everton's James Vaughan went to Crystal Palace, but on loan, not the £850k Nixon said.
And lastly, everyone's favourite home movie director Paul Jewell is ready to bring Swindon striker Charlie Austin to Ipswich for £1.2m.
That's all I've seen fuckos, now put your knickers on and make us a brew.