Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Job application to Loaded

Where the magic happens
Continuing the theme of rehashing old shite from my huge teetering 'REJECTED' pile, I found this application I sent when Loaded was looking for a feature writer five or six years ago.
There was the usual guff about my work history and then I had to come up with some feature ideas, which are printed below.
(The idea in 'the pitch' has now been superseded by the insaness of telly with the likes of ITV's 'so you think you can spaff'. Also the boyand model appears to have been dismantled now in favour of under-age or ancient talent show horrors. Were we ever so young!)

Loaded feature ideas:

The pitch:
Take an idea - say a tribute album to rock’s great moustaches - and pitch it to a record company. Explain why it is precisely what the industry is missing (this works as well for even more bankrupt-of-ideas industries like TV) and how it is a sure-fire winner. 
These companies are under so much pressure to get new stuff out it seems they will consider anything so long as it is well presented. 

Print a transcript of the whole thing - from first call to an actual meeting right through to, if incredibly lucky, the thing getting made. It is a bit Alan Partridge ‘monkey tennis’ but still has cracking comedy legs. Basically you can pitch anything to anyone if done with enough front. 

I have two TV pitches to start with: Duke Clancey Disco Cop (a cartoon) and Box Fresh (a show about a boyband whose own tribute band overtakes them after their first single.)

Other examples: 
a: Footballer’s hats (book).
b: What’s in my sandwich? (Radio 4 quiz).    
c: The last page - a compendium of last pages of books

The yellow bib capers. 
This one has been slightly gazumped by the man who recently robbed a Glasgow post office dressed as a builder, wearing a yellow fluorescent bib and hard hat. Admittedly it was topped off nicely with a gun.

Put simply anyone can do anything if wearing one of these things, especially if they wear a hard hat and carry a clipboard at the same time. 
All it takes is brass neck of the sheerest kind. Even if this was not enough for a feature - although I really believe it is - the sight of the bib-wearer having made it to their goal would make a good photo. A series of tasks would be good too, with security and refreshments at various venues rated.

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