Wednesday, 19 October 2011

How many lists make five? A list, a list, a list and a half...

Back to the well in a little feature I like to call: Pitched ideas that may or may not have been picked up by magazines a few years ago. 
It's a rich vein of material and no mistake, if this sizzling stack of lists sent to the now defunct and much-missed Jack magazine is any guide. 
Not sure how many they used but these would have been done in about 2004 and give a fair insight in to the mind of the 30-something male of the day. 
I'd not long given up smoking and had recently rekindled a rampant love affair with chocolate (oh! Smarties bars and loneliness...) 
And don't forget, Eccles Cake or Egg Custard, while you're here.

Jack Lists
 Five National Lampoon’s Vacation things:
  • Cousin Vicki: “I'm going steady, and I French kiss.”
    Audrey: “So? Everybody does that.”
    Cousin Vicki: “Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.”

  • Rusty: “Oink Oink, my good man!"

  • Rusty: “Dad, I think he’s gonna pork her!”

  • Rusty: “So I says to him, I said "Get your own monkey!”

  • Cousin Eddie: “I haven't seen a beatin' like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose.”
          Clark: “Thanks for the pick me up Eddie.”

Ha ha ha!
 Five awful sports brands:
  • Troop
  • British Knights
  • K – Swiss (original five stripes? You’re fooling no one)
  • Pony
  • Skechers
 Five modern crisp classics:
  • McCoy’s Thai sweet chicken
  • Golden Wonder sausage and tomato
  • Rib n’ Saucy Nik Naks
  • Bugles – all of them
  • Sweet chilli Doritos
 Five incredible contemporary confectionery treats
  • Kit Kat Kubes
  • Mars Delight
  • Cornetto love potions
  • Peanut Lion bar
  • Smarties chocolate bars
 Five things you never got for chrimbo:
Fucking  A
  • Big Trak
  • Millenium Falcon
  • Diamondback BMX
  • TCR
  • Battery-powered car you could sit in and drive

Five 70s rockers you won’t admit you like:
  • Steely Dan
  • Electric Light Orchestra
  • The Eagles
  • The Doobie Brothers
  • Peter Frampton
Matt Smith wrote Jet Set Willy 

Five great football teams:
  • Everton 1984 – 1987
  • Manchester United 1994 – 1999
  • Liverpool 1976 – 1984
  • Arsenal 1998 – present
  • Leeds United 1968 – 1974

Five great Spectrum games:
  • Jet Set Willy
  • Skooldaze
  • Chuckie Egg
  • Match Day
  • Attic Attack

Five ace words to say:
  • Undies
  • Trump
  • Blubber
  • Crud
  • Balderdash
10 Gatwick airport things:

  • Thinking “you’d better be foreign” at Nike Extravago-shod youths
  • Departure screens all over the show - but no clock. Anywhere.
  • An ill-advised wink at the passport control chap
  • A double brandy
  • A seven paaanddd brekky
  • Yanks trying on flat caps
  • The anxiety of a bearded man going through customs
  • Stag dos going to Amsterdam, smiling
  • Stag dos coming in from Amsterdam, smiling nervously
  • Cavernous disabled toilets

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