How many lists make five? A list, a list, a list and a half...

Lists

Back to the well in a little feature I like to call: Pitched ideas that may or may not have been picked up by magazines a few years ago. 

It's a rich vein of material and no mistake, if this sizzling stack of lists sent to the now defunct and much-missed Jack magazine is any guide. 

Not sure how many they used but these would have been done in about 2004 and give a fair insight in to the mind of the 30-something male of the day. 

I'd not long given up smoking and had recently rekindled a rampant love affair with chocolate (oh! Smarties bars and loneliness...) 

And don't forget, Eccles Cake or Egg Custard, while you're here.

Jack Lists

 Five National Lampoon’s Vacation things:

• Cousin Vicki: “I'm going steady, and I French kiss.”
  Audrey: “So? Everybody does that.”
  Cousin Vicki: “Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.”

• Rusty: “Oink Oink, my good man!"

• Rusty: “Dad, I think he’s gonna pork her!”

• Rusty: “So I says to him, I said "Get your own monkey!”

• Cousin Eddie: “I haven't seen a beatin' like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose.”

          Clark: “Thanks for the pick me up Eddie.”

Ha ha ha!

 Five awful sports brands:

• Troop
• British Knights
• K – Swiss (original five stripes? You’re fooling no one)
• Pony
• Skechers

 Five modern crisp classics:

Yummo!

• McCoy’s Thai sweet chicken
• Golden Wonder sausage and tomato
• Rib n’ Saucy Nik Naks
• Bugles – all of them
• Sweet chilli Doritos

 Five incredible contemporary confectionery treats

• Kit Kat Kubes
• Mars Delight
• Cornetto love potions
• Peanut Lion bar
• Smarties chocolate bars

 Five things you never got for chrimbo:

Fucking  A

• Big Trak
• Millenium Falcon
• Diamondback BMX
• TCR
• Battery-powered car you could sit in and drive

Five 70s rockers you won’t admit you like:

• Steely Dan
• Electric Light Orchestra
• The Eagles
• The Doobie Brothers
• Peter Frampton

Matt Smith wrote Jet Set Willy 

Five great football teams:

• Everton 1984 – 1987
• Manchester United 1994 – 1999
• Liverpool 1976 – 1984
• Arsenal 1998 – present
• Leeds United 1968 – 1974

Five great Spectrum games:

• Jet Set Willy
• Skooldaze
• Chuckie Egg
• Match Day
• Attic Attack

Five ace words to say:

• Undies
• Trump
• Blubber
• Crud
• Balderdash

10 Gatwick airport things:

Roomy

• Thinking “you’d better be foreign” at Nike Extravago-shod youths
• Departure screens all over the show - but no clock. Anywhere.
• An ill-advised wink at the passport control chap
• A double brandy
• A seven paaanddd brekky
• Yanks trying on flat caps
• The anxiety of a bearded man going through customs
• Stag dos going to Amsterdam, smiling
• Stag dos coming in from Amsterdam, smiling nervously
• Cavernous disabled toilets