European football's governing body - no doubt egged on by those maniacs in Brussels - has introduced a 'sliding scale of cuntery' to determine fans' worthiness of entry to the Wembley showpiece.
A Uefa spokesman said: 'In partnership with the Premier League, we've been working towards the total cunting up of football for many years.
'We're not about to miss this opportunity to ram home what a holy cunting mess top-level football is today. And where better than the home of football, Wembley Stadium, to finally put Old Football out of its misery and piss in its wounds while dancing around in a suit made of money and eating a big massive fuck off money pie?'
This is how the ticket scheme breaks down, with the most important people at the top and their ticket entitlement in brackets.
Champions League final tickets entitlement (most cuntish at the top):
- People who 'only go on corporates now' (up to 10 tickets)
- People who wave at the big screen when they're on it (8)
- Women (7)
- Adrian fucking Chiles (6)
- Blokes who cry (5)
- People who phone in 606 and expect the host to remember their previous call (4)
- 'Phil from Clapham' (3)
- Alan Biley (2)
- People who spend the whole game pointing a camera/phone at the pitch (1)
- You (just fuck off)
Fans' representatives have condemned the move - well they have time to be bothered about this stuff seeing as they've NEVER EVEN SPOKE TO A WOMAN.
Arsenal fan Jools Consultant blasted Uefa, saying: 'Facilities, there was contact, can't raise your hands, the game's changed, who are ya?'
Spurs supporter Sylvia Hardbucket added: 'Which way is the ground?'